KILLER ADVICE: How Do I Get Women To Notice Me?

Welcome to Killer Advice, a weekly advice column run by the staff of Circus Killer News, aimed at telling our readers how to live their lives. CKN only hires 10s and is predominantly read by 5s, so chances are Killer Advice is just for you.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Wayne Klochski from South Plains, Ohio. He writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,

I’m having trouble getting girls to notice me. Ever since I was a kid and started noticing girls, I found that I am completely invisible to the opposite sex. I’ve tried tying bells around my neck, but that just makes people think that I’m celebrating Christmas, and that always gets me arrested because celebrating Christmas in public is now a hate crime. I’ve tried leaving dead squirrels on a woman’s doorstep to show her that I’m a provider and that I can protect her, but she just called the police. What exactly am I doing wrong? What can I do to get girls to notice me?”

 

Wayne, this is a common problem amongst insignificant men. The truth is, women don’t notice you because you’re probably not worth noticing. Hit the gym every once in a while. Throw away those glasses. Get a face transplant. There are lots of different options available to you if you’re willing to work for them.

A study conducted by a bunch of nerds found that the first three things women notice about men are their face, their body, and the clothes that they’re wearing. If women aren’t noticing you, then you’re doing something incorrectly with these three things. For example, make sure that you aren’t wearing six different masks when you’re approaching women, and make sure you’re wearing a bright spandex suit that hugs every contour of your body. The number one cause of divorce in the U.S. is that husbands stop showing off their contours after they get married, but women never stop needing to see men’s contours every minute of every day, or else they turn into a skeleton.

Let’s say that you can’t accentuate any of these three things because your face was torn off by a bear, or your body just looks weird, or all your clothes are wizard robes because you’re a wizard. At this point, you need to whip out the big guns. Women love big guns because guns are made out of animal penises, which contain all of the pheromones that they need to survive. Women are also drawn to intelligent men, so you can always try impressing a lady by counting to fifteen in front of her and telling her about all the shapes you know. Women also like receiving compliments, so be sure to tell her that the odors her body produces make you happy, and that you want her body to continue making the happy odors.

Follow these easy steps and no woman will be able to ignore you, but complete any of these steps incorrectly and you could severely injure yourself, so wear a helmet at all times.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Sad, Deplorable Wretch Not Willing To Do Anything About It

Sean Forbles, of New Ridge, Virginia, reportedly plans on not altering his self-deprecating lifestyle despite the depression it causes him. Sean says his unwillingness to change is the result of some misguided sense of integrity that in no way applies to anything that makes his life such crap.

“I know I appear repulsive, and that my habits maybe drive some people away,” said Sean. “But the things that make me so abhorrent are part of who I am, and that means something.”

Sean is a visibly disgusting human being. He showers about once a week and makes no attempt to hide it, saying that showering too often is bad for your hair and skin and also that’s what they do in Europe. Sean does not use soap when he washes his hands, fearing he might contribute to the evolution of a drug-resistant super bacteria. He has never cleaned his ears, never clipped his toenails, and is under the impression that brushing and flossing his teeth is an unnecessary waste of time due to how “messed up” his teeth already are.

But hygiene isn’t the only area of Sean’s life in need of improvement. At 37 years old, Sean has never had a fulltime job, a serious relationship, or a home of his own. Sean believes that he won’t be able to attract a serious relationship until he has a serious a job, that he cannot find a real job until he procures a permanent place of residence, and that he cannot find a permanent home until he dates someone that will let him move in. Sean believes himself to be in a self-sustaining cycle of execrable woe that cannot be broken, and any attempt at making a better life is futile.

Sean would turn to friends and family for guidance, but claims he has none. In fact, Sean has driven these people away with his self-loathing remarks of hopelessness that seem to come up in every conversation. Sean immediately shuts down any individual who tries to talk some sense into him, typically after directly asking that individual for assistance. Sean claims that making people feel sorry for him is his best bet at getting people to like him, which is somehow not the most ridiculous notion to cross through his mind on a daily basis.

This upcoming spring, Sean will attend his high school reunion to find that most of his former classmates, and in fact most people in the developed world, are just as needlessly contemptible as he is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.