Trump Quizzed On American Facts

Last week, a photograph of President Trump coloring a blue stripe on the American flag raised questions about how much the President knows about the country he leads. Over the next few days, a rogue group of White House staffers began secretly testing the President on American history and geography. Circus Killer News got an exclusive look at these tests.

“We figured out that the best way to test him without his knowledge was to make a game out of it,” said an anonymous White House insider. “We usually give him a blank paper placemat and crayons with the ten McDonald’s Happy Meals that he gets for dinner each night, but he always plays with the toys. This time, printed out a placemat of our own. We got him to use it by removing the toys inside each of his Happy Meals, and telling him that Hillary Clinton stole them.”

The placemat had a blank map of the United States, images of famous landmarks, and some basic trivia questions. On the US map, Trump was asked to draw in the state borders and label each state. Trump’s doodlings produced only 36 states, and he was able to identify only 15 of them. Many of the states that the President could not name were labeled as “the one where they all love me.”

The President then had to write out the significance of a handful of historic US landmarks. He said that the Statue of Liberty “was put there by the feminists who hate me because they are ugly.” He said of Mount Rushmore, “it honors presidents who made money and are on the money, and I have more money than they ever did.” His comments on the Washington Monument are too vulgar to publish.

Lastly, President Trump had to answer a few simple questions about the founding of the United States. His scribblings were hardly legible, but from what the staffers could make out, Trump seems to think that America was founded 2018 years ago, that Abraham Lincoln was the first president, and that the colonists gained their independence from Mexico.

The White House staffers who designed the test have not begun using the results to change anything, but they have begun drinking heavily.


Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Set To Put Self On All US Currency

President Donald Trump made waves on both Wall Street and Main Street today when he signed an executive order that nullifies all United States dollar bills that do not bear his image by the year 2020. This act is the first step in guaranteeing that Trump will make good on the promise he made during his campaign to put his face on all American money.

“They’re saying they want Harriet Tubman to replace Michael Jackson on the whatever,” said Trump at a campaign rally in September, “but I will be a much better president than any of them. I talk to the founding fathers all the time, believe me, and they want me to replace them.”

Trump hopes to redesign US currency in other ways, as well, for example replacing the phrase “in God we trust” with either “in Trump we trust,” or, “hail Trump, immortal leader of our America.” Trump also plans to replace the monuments on the back of American currency with images of his own properties.

“We’re not gonna have green money anymore,” said Trump, “because that’s just how these fake environment liars try to get you to believe in their climate talk. It’s disgraceful. We need gold money and I know how to do it because it’ll stop ISIS and coal will be here forever.”

Trump also announced today that the design for his self-financed “Trump Monument” in Washington is being finalized.

“It’ll be just like the Washington Monument,” said Trump, “only it’ll be huge and tremendous and bigger. It’ll satisfy everyone, believe me, you’ll love it.”


By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.