The scientific community was rocked earlier today when an international panel of physicists convened to announce to the world that the theory of gravity is in fact a hoax.
“It’s made up,” said spokeswoman Grabiella Lutiz. “There is nothing real at all about the theory of gravity. It has all been an elaborate conspiracy orchestrated by scientists across the world, which is indeed flat, by the way.”
Gravity has long since been the subject of skepticism from predominantly religious communities, however the theory came under recent attack when it was discovered that Donald Trump, President-elect of the United States and Time Magazine’s “Most Trusted Rich Guy” of 2017, tweeted several years ago that he believed gravity to be a Chinese hoax.
“Gravity was not a brainchild of the Chinese government solely,” said Lutiz, “but is in fact a ruse created and perpetrated by the vast majority of the world’s scientists independent of any government or agency.”
Lutiz went on to describe how Sir Isaac Newton never really existed and that accounts of his life were based on the ancient Polynesian myth of a young man who becomes the smartest person in his village after a coconut falls on his head. All records of Newton’s life were fabricated along with the volumes of evidence and data that have been gathered to support the theory of gravity over the last few centuries.
“Yes, things on this planet fall downwards,” said Lutiz, “And yes, the more mass an object has the greater its pull on other objects. And yes, our fake little theory of gravity would explain exactly how and why these things happen and can also be used to project accurate models of the movements of celestial bodes in the future. But the truth is there is no real scientific evidence to show that if I were to drop this pen it would fall to the ground. And the fact that our models and projections of the future come true every single time is purely a coincidence.”
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