SPECIAL REPORT: The Night-Eagle

Sovereign City has been America’s crime-ridden embarrassment for decades. Once a benchmark of metropolitan greatness, the city has devolved into a cesspool of violence and moral destitution. With the local government seemingly unable or uninterested in saving Sovereign City and its people, is there any hope that the city will have its time in the light again? Is there anything that can inspire the citizens of SC to build a better society? Some SC residents say they have found a source of hope and inspiration in their dying city, and that source is the elusive and mysterious vigilante known as “The Night-Eagle.”

The first sighting of this costumed crusader was last November. Rose Carlisle, an elderly woman who has been living in SC her whole life, was walking down a darkened, deserted street one night when she was mugged by an unknown assailant. The assailant took her purse, pushed her to the ground, and said something that was insulting but still age appropriate. Before Rose knew what was happening, a masked man in an eagle suit swooped down and tackled the mugger.

“It was the second most incredible thing I have ever seen,” said Rose. “The first was seeing Muse in concert eight years ago.”

The masked man beat the mugger senseless before returning Rose’s purse to her.

“He was muscular. He had a long beak instead of a mouth and nose, and black bulletproof feathered wings. I thanked him and asked who he was, but he just squawked and flew off into the night.”

Since then, dozens of sightings of the Night-Eagle have cropped up all around Sovereign City. Each sighting took place at night and involved the prevention of a crime.

“I saw him tear into a carjacker,” said Devon Lucas, another witness. “He landed on top of the car and ripped off the roof with these big talons he had, then he pecked at the thief driving it until he crashed.”

Since his appearance, the Night-Eagle has been a major point of controversy in local government. The mayor of Sovereign City officially denounced the Night-Eagle’s actions in a recent press conference.

“He’s a menace to society,” said the mayor, “no different than the criminals he assaults. We don’t need a bird of prey running around with no authority, dealing out justice as he sees fit.” The mayor of Sovereign City has approved a special taskforce to arrest the Night-Eagle, despite the vigilante having the support of many law enforcement officers.

But as with any major issue, the question must be asked… what do wealthy celebrities have to say? Vick Vaughn, a local billionaire playboy and owner/inheritor of Vaughn Inc, the largest corporation in Sovereign City, says the Night-Eagle is a disgrace.

“He hasn’t done any good for this city,” said Vaughn at an annual fundraiser he hosts that raises money to install helicopter pads on yachts. Vaughn has a personal connection to crime because both his parents were murdered in front of him as a child when a moviegoer shot them for loudly talking throughout a showing of “The Angry Birds Movie.”

“If you want to see good being done for this city then just look at me,” continued Vaughn as he scratched at a mysterious injury on his neck. “The Vaughn Foundation raised over 36 million dollars last year to help restore the orphanages that were blown up by the Night-Eagle’s arch-nemesis ‘The Poacher.’ I don’t support the Night-Eagle’s actions and I distance myself from him in every way possible.”

But who is the Night-Eagle beneath the beak? Is he a hero, a criminal, or just a weirdo? Is he like a pride parade in that he’s having a positive effect on the city despite being controversial, or is he more like an erection on an airplane in that he’s doing more harm than good? Do I have time to write a better ending than this?

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Killer Advice #11 – How Do I Fake My Own Death?

Heya ladies!! Happy thursday and well come back to a nother addition of Killer Advice with me, Brittany von Beuren!

Last week I covered a very serious topic about how to deal with a stalker, and in it I mentioned that sometimes its best just to fake yout own death. Ive been getting alot of questions all week about how to do that so today im just gonna go over the best ways you can do that.

 

So the first think you need todo is should be to get rid of suspistion by doing somthing that noone would do if they new they would soon die. So somthing like getting a new car or adopting a kid are great things to do before yuo dissapeer becos peeple will see that an think oh well she wanted to take care of those things and thats y she got em so somthin musthave hapend to her. Becose usualy peeple will wanto take every thing witth em when ever they want to go a way four ever.

Next your gonna half to think of the way your gonna do it. Fire always works best for me ive found cos thy can only identefy you buy teeth then. Just ripout a few and you should be good, I ript out all mine a few years ago an keep them in a bag so if i ever hav to disappeer again I can jsut burn down an apart ment builsing or hospittal or somthin and skatter afew of them around. Im not ugly tho!! I blew some dentist to give me new ones lol

Lasly jus make sure you have sumwear to go. Alotta peeple get cot becos they just head for the high way or a trane an get help form a frend in a nother city. But the police and the feds look in those places and inter view all your closest ppl so you gotta keep them in the dark unles your shore they wont rat out on you. Also dont be a fraid!! Its not hard to make it in a new city aslong as your willing to get mean, dirty and things put in to your body.

 

Thats it for this week! I hope all you ladies in need of a new start found this helpful. Be sure to keep asking your questions in the commets here or on my own Twitter. until then, have a lovely week! Bye!! 🙂 ❤

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.