New Bill to Put Restrictions on Americans’ Purchase and Possession of Guillotines

Congress proposed a bill yesterday that would restrict and further regulate the purchase and possession of guillotines for private American citizens. The controversial bill has split public opinion with half of the nation supporting the bill and half strongly against it.

The National Guillotine Association has been in an uproar since news of the bill got out. Members of the NGA have been slicing up their membership cards in protest, and many have begun to speak out.

“The government has no right to be taking our guillotines away,” said Herb Hopman, a proud guillotine owner and lifelong member of the NGA. “Guillotines are perfectly safe when used properly. Just because a few bad eggs abuse their right to own theirs doesn’t mean it has to be ruined for the rest of us.”

The bill was drafted as a response to the increase of executions being performed by private citizens in public. In the last 2 years there have been a record high number of school executions in which students brought in guillotines and proceeded to enforce capital punishment on their innocent, unsuspecting peers. As of today, there have been a total of 11,945 guillotine related deaths in the US in 2014.

“The thing is, once this happens, it’s never gonna stop,” Hopman continued. “Once the government decides to take away my guillotines, next thing you know I’ll be handing over my medieval torture devices as well. I have a right to these things to protect myself and my family from government tyranny.”

NGA activists have begun holding demonstrations of their own and carrying their guillotines around in public. Naturally this has put more people in favor of the bill.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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