Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future, every Wednesday we bring you three stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet. Here are this week’s stories:
1. March 20th, 2091 – Donald Trump Eyeing Lunar Presidency
Trillionaire and former US President Donald Trump hinted at the possibility of running for President of the Moon in the upcoming 2092 election. Although no official announcement has been made, rumors say that the 145-year-old has not kicked the taste for political leadership since he ran the People’s Republic of the United States of America of China in the 2070s. Most political strategists think this to be a premature move, however, as the Moon has yet to be declared its own nation. Trump believes that if this were to happen in his lifetime, his experience running nearly twelve businesses on the Moon, including three casinos, is enough for him to be declared a Lunar citizen, or a “Loony.”
2. April 1st, 2087 – Oil Discovered on Mars
This morning, the Indian Space Research Organization discovered naturally occurring petroleum deep beneath the surface of Mars while drilling to record the planet’s subterranean crust composition in the Cydonia region. The news came as a shock to the scientific community since petroleum is formed when decaying organic material is subjected to immense heat and pressure over hundreds of millions of years. This is the first real piece of evidence to suggest that life once existed on Mars at some point and in a large quantity. The ISRO has decided to put its efforts into studying the Cydonia region and invites all other space and extraterrestrial programs to join in.
3. April 2nd, 2087 – US Troops to Invade Mars, Spread Democracy
The United States announced today that it will be sending troops to Mars in an effort to spread democracy. The Press Secretary said in a press release this morning that the barren, lifeless rock of a planet “lacks any real governing body and evidence suggests it’s harboring a slew of terrorist groups, especially the one that just did that attack.” The Press Secretary then revealed in a Reddit AMA that the focus of the incursion will be Mars’ Cydonia region.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.