Rite Aid Announces New Sales Plan to “Just Give Shit Away”

Rite Aid CEO Gary Badgett announced his bold new sales plan this morning to start giving out everything in his stores for free.

“The truth is,” said Badgett in a press conference, “we don’t want any of this shit and I’m sick of looking at it. Do you really think any of us at Rite Aid need those plastic beach buckets in the mesh nets that we keep in between the sandals and the non-electric toothbrushes? Of course not, it’s the middle of November. So just take the damn stuff.”

Badgett claims he’s been trying to get rid of everything in his pharmacies for several years now, but for some reason people just aren’t taking the bait.

“I was in one of my stores the other day,” Badgett continued, “and saw a book section. Literally a book section. The aisle was labeled ‘historical fiction.’ Things wouldn’t have gotten this way if you people just took my advice from the beginning and cleaned this place out.”

Despite Badgett’s plea, many Rite Aid customers refuse to have any part in the deal. When offered the chance to leave the store without paying for their items, most shrugged off the opportunity, saying, “no thanks, I don’t come here that often anyway.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Artsy Burglar Compelled to Rearrange Unorganized Home

A family in Washington State was surprised to come home from their Disney Land vacation over the weekend and find their house broken into and de-cluttered. The burglar, Mitchell Mathesen, was caught early this morning and claimed he felt obligated to give the family a home makeover upon seeing the messy state the home was in.

“The feng shui was way off.” Mathesen said in his confession to the police. “I don’t understand how anyone could live like that. How could they possibly entertain guests on good conscience?”

Mathesen had intended to steal jewelry, cash and whatever valuable electronics he could carry. Shortly after breaking into the Walsch’s home, however, he abandoned his original goal and made redecorating his “project of the day.”

The Walsch family, meanwhile, are trying to treat the break-in positively. “I don’t think I like what he did with the furniture arrangement in the living room,” said mother Cheryl Walsch, “but the kids’ bedrooms have never looked nicer. I haven’t seen their clothes folded and put away so neatly in years.”

Mathesen could face up to 8 years in prison for breaking & entering and styling under the influence.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Just Now Taking Down Last Year’s Christmas Decorations

Richard Murano, a 42-year-old architectural consultant in Harfolk, Delaware, has finally gotten around to removing his Christmas decorations from the previous year.

Richard reports that there were many reasons for the 11-month delay, which was verified by members of the Murano household who often heard Richard remark how it was “too cold out,” or how his “work pants needed to be cleaned first.”

The husband and father of three’s apparent refusal to shed his home of yuletide spirit was met with confusion by his neighbors. Many assumed the Muranos were just more religious than was originally believed, whereas others thought that Richard was confused himself, thinking that Richard believed Christmas lasted 12 months and not 12 days. The rest of the Murano family learned to embrace their new surroundings – this past October they hosted the most holly jolly Halloween party in recorded history.

Richard finally began to dismantle the lights on his house and nativity scene in his front yard over the weekend. He claims to have finally found some time to do so because baseball is over and his boycott of the NFL since the Ray Rice scandal is still going strong.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 13 Weirdest Things About Our Solar System

One star and nine planets may seem like the typical cluster of objects that make up a solar system, but nothing in the cosmos is without its strangeness. Here is a list of some of the more recognizable objects in the night sky with some of the facts that make them unique.

 

Sun – A massive ball of ionized gas that took our planet’s place as the center of our solar system in 1543.

Mercury – The closest planet to the Sun. As its name suggests, Mercury is primarily made up of poisonous, liquid metal.

Venus – By far the hottest planet in our solar system, Venus gets hit on more frequently than any other celestial body.

Earth – The only planet that still has religions.

Moon – The Earth’s natural satellite. To this day scientists have no idea how it got there, though the most widely accepted theory is werewolves.

Mars – Mars is a shy planet, often embarrassed by its red bumpy surface. It’s tried everything from Proactive to alcohol wipes but nothing seems to do the trick.

Asteroid Belt – Located between Mars and Jupiter, the odds of successful navigating it are 3,720 to 1.

Jupiter – The largest planet in our solar system. It has a “Great Red Spot” where some wine spilled about 600 million years ago.

Galilean Moons – Four planet-sized moons that orbit Jupiter, each possessing unique geological properties. Their names are Groucho, Harpo, Chico and Zeppo.

Saturn – Also known as the “Mob Wife” planet for its extravagant and unnecessary rings, Saturn makes one revolution around the Sun every Saturday.

Uranus – Uranus has 27 moons.

Neptune – Either the seventh or eighth planet, Neptune spends as much time in space as it does in the ocean.

Pluto – Planet when it needs to be, player when it wants to be.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Teen Unshaken Upon Discovering Extent of Father’s Racism

Jeremy Unger, a 16-year-old Michigan teen, reported today that he is finally coming to terms with his father’s racism, but also that he’s “totally fine with it.”

Jeremy says he’s noticed the signs for a while, he just didn’t recognize them. Often he would take note of his father’s offhanded, passive-aggressive insults towards waiters, electricians and other service people, but Jeremy realized recently that his father would never make these remarks towards white people.

When his suspicions arose, Jeremy approached several people who were close to his father, Thomas Unger. Several of Thomas’s work friends, Jeremy found, had come to the same conclusion, and in fact the stories that Jeremy gathered on his father’s workplace mannerisms would suggest that Thomas Unger is also sexist and anti-Semitic. Jeremy approached his father’s brother Dylan Unger, who when asked if he suspected that Thomas might be a racist, said, “no shit.”

In the last week, Jeremy has decided that he’s completely comfortable with this new information about his father. “Well yeah, it’s kinda weird,” says Jeremy, “but I mean lots of people do worse things. And it’s not like my dad would try to hurt anyone or something.” When asked if he himself was a racist, Jeremy replied with a resounding, “I don’t know, maybe.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Facially Divided America Demands First Bearded President

Facial discrimination reached a peak in Grove City, Louisiana over the weekend when riots erupted across the town. The riots began as peaceful protests but became militant when local police fired shaving foam cannons at the protesters to try and get them to disperse.

Oppression of the unkempt is not a new concept in the United States, and beard supporters like Garth Mellen, a custom shirt designer from Brooklyn, say that the next step for the nation is to elect a bearded president.

“The discrimination won’t end until we get our own people in the White House to watch out for us,” Mellen told us as he attempted to remove Dorito crumbs from his 3-incher. “We claim to live in a progressive society but I still see men with mustaches getting facial remarks as they walk down the street.

Some say that things are moving in the right direction, pointing to Democratic representative Brenda Longfellow (Vermont) who was voted into congress as the first bearded congresswoman in US history. Longfellow was elected on a platform of reduced government spending and increased taxation on all razors and sanitary wax.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Member of Friend Group Mistakenly Winds Up at Wrong TGI Friday’s, Becomes Joke of the Evening

Darian Wynters, a 32 year old accountant from Massachusetts, received relentless scrutiny from his friends last night when he showed up for dinner at the incorrect TGI Friday’s. Darian spent much of the night and this morning trying to recover from the incident, completely certain that he’ll never live it down as long as he lives.

The confusion started when Tanya, a member of the friend group, posted in the group’s Facebook Messenger thread a few hours beforehand that she wanted to meet at the Friday’s on 5th instead of the one they usually frequent on Riverside Drive. This is because the one on 5th is closer to Tanya’s house and she didn’t want to leave her baby home with a sitter for too long. This struck controversy within the group, and the rest of the afternoon saw a heated debate on the thread over the pros and cons of switching venues.

Finally, Alex laid down the law with a group text that read “guys seroiusly im going to riverside join me if u want too,” which Darian did not receive because frequent weighing in on the Facebook conversation had drained the battery on his phone. He showed up at the one on 5th and waited for thirty-five minutes before trying Riverside, and found that he had missed out on most of the night.

The rest of the evening was spent making fun of Darian. Darian smiled and laughed along with his friends, but each crack at his mistake weakened his resolve. The ordeal was particularly embarrassing for Darian when he found out that in his absence, Alex had bonded with Christina’s friend Miranda, who has been the focus of Darian’s romantic hopes in recent weeks.

Earlier this morning, Darian called the police to report the incident but nobody took him seriously. He has begun writing a book about the shocking act of depravity, titled “Me, My Quesadilla Sampler and I: A Survival Story.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.