Facially Divided America Demands First Bearded President

Facial discrimination reached a peak in Grove City, Louisiana over the weekend when riots erupted across the town. The riots began as peaceful protests but became militant when local police fired shaving foam cannons at the protesters to try and get them to disperse.

Oppression of the unkempt is not a new concept in the United States, and beard supporters like Garth Mellen, a custom shirt designer from Brooklyn, say that the next step for the nation is to elect a bearded president.

“The discrimination won’t end until we get our own people in the White House to watch out for us,” Mellen told us as he attempted to remove Dorito crumbs from his 3-incher. “We claim to live in a progressive society but I still see men with mustaches getting facial remarks as they walk down the street.

Some say that things are moving in the right direction, pointing to Democratic representative Brenda Longfellow (Vermont) who was voted into congress as the first bearded congresswoman in US history. Longfellow was elected on a platform of reduced government spending and increased taxation on all razors and sanitary wax.


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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