Welcome back to “Celeb Watch,” the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet (please ignore that oxymoron). Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:
1. “Full House” Revival to be Centered Around Neurotic, Damaged Olson Twins
The rumored revival of the hit 1990s sitcom Full House was officially confirmed yesterday, with the show apparently set around the tragic and embarrassing lives of the Olson twins. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson were on the show as toddlers, and upon becoming teenagers started on an infamous downward spiral laced with drugs, alcohol and hurtful jokes on late night comedy shows. The Olson’s played the same character on Full House so it’s unclear how they’ll explain that there’s really two of them. What do you think? Clone, evil twin or shape-shifting goblin?
2. John Travolta Admits Belief in Scientology was Just Acting
John Travolta broke his silence yesterday when he admitted that he never actually bought into Scientology, rather he had the entire entertainment world believing that he did in an effort to improve as an actor. This came as a shock to literally no one because cults are dumb. More actors, however, have come forward with similar claims leading many to suspect that Scientology is not a real belief or religion, rather a ridiculous fictional concept devised as a tool for actors to use to hone their skills and push the limits of believability. No word yet from Scientology Pope Julius Cavanaugh, of whom there are no pictures. He has of course been living in a sealed cave beneath the “Hollywood” sign for the last 87 years.
3. Ricky Gervais Admits that he Turns Into an Animal Every Night
Comedian Ricky Gervais made the shocking announcement that he is in fact a wereperson, or a human being who frequently and often involuntarily transforms into an animal. This information serves to explain the actor’s status as a renowned animal rights activist as well as his recent Twitter argument with hunter Rebecca Francis and her controversial photo in which she poses grinning next to a dead giraffe. Gervais admits he has spent many nights as a giraffe and hopes non-werepeople will soon make a change in their cruel, uncaring attitude towards the peaceful animals with whom they share the Earth.
That’s it for this week’s “Celeb Watch.” Join us next Tuesday where we find out how many coins it takes to throw at Sean Penn before he completely loses it.
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