SPECIAL REPORT: Video Game Violence

As violence increases in America, so has the prevalence of violent video games. When video games first became popular they featured simple, relatable stories such as rescuing your girlfriend from a giant ape or trying to eat ghosts, but modern-day video games put the player in control of morally corrupt characters like professional assassins, habitual drug users, and non-married women. In the video games of the past, players completed objectives and defeated enemies by jumping or running. In the video games of today, players must shoot, stab, punch, steal, and sex their way to victory. Should we be bothered by this trend, and fear the video games of the future? What effect do violent video games have on our children? Have we finally found the perfect scapegoat for shitty parenting?

Many who play video games say there is no evidence to suggest that video games have an effect on their temperament, however some of history’s worst eggs were gamers. Genghis Khan famously loved his Nintendo Game Boy so much that he was buried with it. Lee Harvey Oswald practiced his shooting abilities in “Big Buck Hunter II” before the Kennedy assassination, and there is mounting evidence to suggest that Jack the Ripper had the high score on a local tavern’s arcade version of “Cruis’n Exotica.” Does this mean that all gamers are destined for violence?

“I don’t know if they’re destined for violence, but they’re certainly trained for it,” says former gamer Tyson Rich. Tyson was part of an “esports” team; a group of gamers who compete against other teams for titles, prizes, and the chance to have a girlfriend.

Tyson specialized in a game called “Brothers of Combat IV: Armed Warfare: The Blood Reckoning,” a popular “first-person shooter.” He says his unorthodox training made him into a more violent person.

“Our coach wanted us to be ruthless, to be emotionless gaming machines,” says Tyson. “He had us dress up like our avatars, go out into the wild, and shoot baby animals so that we would learn to never hold back. We had to break bricks with our fingers to learn how to properly use a keyboard or controller. We were forced to drink yellow Powerade because that was one of our sponsors, and yellow’s the worst one. It was torture.”

Clearly video games have a negative effect on competitive players, but how about amateurs? A recent study conducted by the Guild of Outraged Parents found that 97% of young gamers are too antisocial and aren’t going outside often enough.

“When I was my son’s age I spent my afternoons hanging out with the other boys in the neighborhood, playing sports, and actively suppressing my bisexuality,” says area father Dale Brenning. “Now my son spends all day on his computer, chatting with his ‘online friends,’ playing ‘God Knows What,’ which is the name of a video game he plays where you have to find ways to outsmart God. It’s despicable.”

So what’s the solution to the violent video game problem? Who’s to blame when a gamer does something awful? The Guild of Outraged Parents says it’s the fault of the developers.

“I know my child would never hurt another person,” says Margaret Tribene, a member of the GOP. “Whenever my son hits another child or yells at his teacher, video game developers should be punished, not my son. His bad behavior is due to his exposure to video game violence, and his good behavior is due to my parenting.”

The debate over violent video games will likely rage on for generations to come, but most Americans agree that violence in America will not end until the government takes our video games away.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Millennial Living At Home With Parents Hiding Secret Second Family

Thom and Dana Corrigan of Celroy, Massachusetts, were shocked to discover this past Monday that their 24-year-old son Josh had been hiding a secret second family from them for nearly three years. Josh has been living with Thom and Dana since graduating college two years ago.

What surprised Thom and Dana the most, however, is that the family their son was seeing in secret consisted of Josh and a different married couple Thom and Dana’s age. Psychologist Marianna Quinn commented on the matter.

“In most cases of secret families you have a man, typically a man of influence, who falls out of love with his spouse and in love with someone else. Instead of leaving his spouse he starts a new life with his new love, often in a different town and under a different name. And then of course the original spouse finds out she burns down the childhood home of that bitch who ruined her life but makes sure she’s somewhere public when it all goes down so she has a solid alibi… but anyway, the case of Josh Corrigan is different because he didn’t start a new family. He just latched onto a different one.”

Thom and Dana were under the impression that their son Josh had a part time job; he would play video games during the day, and then leave for his job at night. In truth, Josh had no part time job. At night he would instead go to the home of empty nesters Riley and Shauna Levinson and continue playing video games at their house.

“Our son Daniel was in a car accident three years ago,” said Shauna. “One day Josh came to our door and told us that he was Daniel, but that the accident rearranged his face so he looked different now. We had no reason not to believe him.”

In truth, Josh and Daniel had planned this stunt together while the two met as roommates in college. Josh confessed to Daniel that he had no aspirations in life, and Daniel was sick of his parents taking care of him. The two faked a car accident so that Josh could assume Daniel’s sheltered life, and Daniel could move across the country to become more independent.

The two were finally caught when Shauna Levinson caught Josh eating a burger.

“My son Daniel would never eat red meat,” said Shauna. “He’s too afraid of that mad cow disease. I’m not sure what really gave it away, but it was definitely either the burger or the fact that Josh would constantly hit on me.”

Josh has been charged with identify fraud, and Daniel has been charged with aiding and abetting. Their life’s story is currently being adapted into a comedy movie that probably stars Ryan Reynolds and some nerd.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.