Installation of Aboveground Pool Sadly the Best Reason for Area Family to Invite Neighbors Over

The Stakower family in suburban South Carolina hosted a neighborhood get-together over the weekend in celebration over the installation of their new aboveground pool. Many neighbors showed up purely out of sympathy.

“I guess they did it because two weeks ago my husband and I held a similar party because his company finally got off the ground,” said neighbor Jean Harrow. “And of course Berrigens across the street have already planned and scheduled a backyard party to celebrate their oldest daughter graduating college. It’s both really sad and really heartwarming that the Stakowers are trying so hard.

The pool itself was of course not much to look at. Luke Stakower, the father, clearly knows nothing about pool maintenance. The water was too green and murky to see the bottom of the four-foot deep embarrassment. The only people who swam the entire time were the Stakower kids, who complained to their parents the entire time.

Luke tried to get a barbeque fire going but he couldn’t get the grill to work, causing him to lose his temper and scare everyone there.

“Come on, Luke,” he was heard telling himself, “you can do this. Everything is riding on this and you’re being a fucking moron.”

Many of the guests spent the entire time talking amongst themselves about how the Stakower’s backyard is all dirt and no grass and how weird it was that the only foliage to be seen was one dead bush that still had Christmas lights on it. Despite this, everyone lied to the Stakower’s faces in saying that they all had a lovely time and would definitely want to do this again.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Fire Department Desperately Tries to Remove James Cameron from Area Man’s Pool

James Cameron, famous Hollywood filmmaker and oceanographer, launched a watery expedition on Tuesday into a Georgia man’s in-ground pool without the man’s permission. Cameron had intended for this latest endeavor to take place in the ocean, but chose a random person’s backyard pool upon realizing that he’s run out of ocean to explore.

Hank Driscol, the pool’s owner, discovered Cameron early Wednesday morning when Avatar director Cameron briefly came up for air. Driscol confronted Cameron, but the filmmaker refused to leave Driscol’s pool until he discovers a treasure of some sort. It was at this point that Driscol called emergency services.

One day later, the local fire department was unsuccessful in removing Cameron from the pool. Authorities first began trying to reason with Cameron, but could not come up with the awe and wonder of genuine discovery that the film director seeks. Authorities then threatened to drain the pool, but Cameron countered by threatening to recite lines from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Since then both parties have been in a stalemate, but it’s likely that Driscol and everyone else involved will just wait for Cameron to tucker himself out.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.