The Stakower family in suburban South Carolina hosted a neighborhood get-together over the weekend in celebration over the installation of their new aboveground pool. Many neighbors showed up purely out of sympathy.
“I guess they did it because two weeks ago my husband and I held a similar party because his company finally got off the ground,” said neighbor Jean Harrow. “And of course Berrigens across the street have already planned and scheduled a backyard party to celebrate their oldest daughter graduating college. It’s both really sad and really heartwarming that the Stakowers are trying so hard.
The pool itself was of course not much to look at. Luke Stakower, the father, clearly knows nothing about pool maintenance. The water was too green and murky to see the bottom of the four-foot deep embarrassment. The only people who swam the entire time were the Stakower kids, who complained to their parents the entire time.
Luke tried to get a barbeque fire going but he couldn’t get the grill to work, causing him to lose his temper and scare everyone there.
“Come on, Luke,” he was heard telling himself, “you can do this. Everything is riding on this and you’re being a fucking moron.”
Many of the guests spent the entire time talking amongst themselves about how the Stakower’s backyard is all dirt and no grass and how weird it was that the only foliage to be seen was one dead bush that still had Christmas lights on it. Despite this, everyone lied to the Stakower’s faces in saying that they all had a lovely time and would definitely want to do this again.
Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.