41-year-old office jockey Bill Stamper reported early this morning that his self-esteem will likely spike if just one person at work notices his new necktie.

Stamper has been having a tough couple of months between a messy divorce and a crippling gambling problem. Stamper’s childhood speech impediment where his S’s start to sound like F’s has also returned.

“I juft really need a win right now,” Stamper told reporters. “I’ve been feeling thif immenfe fadneff refently and I juft want fomeone to notiff.”

Reporters then stopped taking quotes from Stamper because it was the most ridiculous speech impediment any of them had ever heard.

In an effort to feel on top again, Stamper purchased himself an expensive new necktie. It’s red with purple splotches all over it; much more jazzy than his typical beige or dark blue ties. Stamper believed at the time that it might make him look a little more attractive and in control of his life.

Stamper came into work this morning wearing the tie and found that nobody saw the new and improved Bill Stamper. His coworkers continued to ignore him and forget his name or that he worked there. Stamper promised himself that if just one person notices his new ensemble he would decide to play online poker tonight, but so far it isn’t looking good. More on this at 11 (unless Stamper continues to be boring, in which case we’ll have to drop the story).

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

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