5 Amazing Films That Were Snubbed Out of Oscar Nominations

2014 was an amazing year for film, but many of the year’s best were not recognized by the Academy. Here are 5 movies you should see that were cheated out of Oscar nominations.

 

Title: Carts
Synopsis: This animated feature about Harry the Shopping Cart touched the hearts of families across the world. Harry is tired of being pushed around at his grocery store, and when an opportunity arises for Harry to move to a megastore he rolls around out of joy. But this new job isn’t what it seems… soon Harry finds himself missing his grocery store pals and after a few mistakes and misadventures he learns about the true power of friendship. This film set the record for most times the phrase “pushed around” was used.

 

Title: Civil Rights Movie
Synopsis: From the people who brought you Lincoln, 12 Years a Slave, The Butler, and Selma, comes this biopic of another Civil Rights activist whose life was greatly impacted by racism and discrimination at some point in America’s history before Obama was elected, but who ultimately overcomes these obstacles and helps to change America’s thinking on the topic of race. Through the story of one person’s life, “Civil Rights Movie” shines a light on the harsher reality of racism in America that we are only reminded of when it’s Oscar season or when the police are in the news.

 

Title: The Sister of the Christ
Synopsis: Zooey Deschanel stars in this dramatic retelling of Jesus’ twin sister Jebra Christ who has the same abilities as her brother but whose second X chromosome forbids her from being accepted among the ancient Jewish people. Jebra attempts to overcome sexual discrimination and take her rightful place as the co-savior of the human race while constantly having to avoid being stoned to death. This feminist masterpiece uncovers the truth behind the Christ family and tells us that we can achieve the respect of our ignorant peers, even if we have amazing breasts.

 

Title: Whispers of Freedom
Synopsis: An American soldier fighting for freedom in Afghanistan is the best soldier in his squad, but when we learn halfway through that his son died and his wife has cancer we start to realize that this soldier is just like the rest of us only he actually gets to shoot people. As he fights to protect our freedom and sovereignty America Ford rights of the liberty with Declaration united drone strike freedom for the troops one nation under God for the star-spangled sovereignty nation America. Amen.

 

Title: Windex Woman
Synopsis: Wilma Whittle was an average cleaning lady at a Best Western, but when she accidentally spills a bottle of radioactive Windex on herself, Wilma discovers she has the incredible ability to keep surfaces clean and free of most germs using only her bare hands. Wilma’s powers are soon put to the test when an evil force unmasks itself and a plot to create smudges on the surfaces of the Guatemalan ambassador’s hotel furniture emerges. Wilma will have to learn how to control her powers and accept the responsibility that the Fates of Cleanliness have given her.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

KFC First to Hire Onsite Paramedics

Since the release of the “KFC Double Down” in 2010, KFC has been under careful scrutiny by the FDA over the increase of strokes, heart attacks and brain damage that have occurred inside KFC restaurants. As a solution, the restaurant chain became the first in history to staff one paramedic in every establishment to revive customers when their bodies succumb to the food so that they may continue eating.

The plan was implemented last November and has been working well so far, prompting many KFC establishments to boast an “Over 9,000 Revived” slogan near their entrances. Additionally, the FDA is satisfied with the plan and has begun backing off of KFC.

Other fast food chains have taken note of the strategy and have begun hiring their own onsite paramedics in an effort to court the health-conscientious consumer. Wendy’s, for example, is now giving free physicals with the purchase of 900 calories or more.

There are some fast food purists, however, who think the new medically integrated fast food chains are getting out of hand. Chipotle, for example, has been receiving negative attention for the installation of electronic toilets that look for diseases in customers’ stools. Also facing harsh media criticism is McDonald’s new “child greasing” stations that force large children to strip down and be lathered in oil so they don’t get stuck in plastic tubes and slides in the child’s play area.

Chick-fil-a’s mandatory blood tests have also been criticized once it was discovered that the company had been keeping track of HIV positive consumers and banning them from all Chick-fil-a restaurants for “sodomy and indecency” instead of simply checking for diabetes like the company said it would.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mississippi to Legalize Brown-Eyed-to-Blue-Eyed Marriages

Mississippi will no longer be the only state in the nation to have laws forbidding brown-eyed people from marrying blue-eyed people, as it was announced early this morning that a Mississippi state judge declared the ban unconstitutional. This announcement shocked many Mississippians who pride themselves on the purity of their family’s iris pigmentation.

“It ain’t unconstitutional if it’s a fact,” said Mississippian Jack Pikiwallace. “Brown-eyed folk got their own standard of living just as blue-eyed folk has theirs. Once you start mixing them it can only lead to trouble, that’s been a proven fact.”

The Honorable Bailee Frankfurt, who was the judge responsible for the decision, has been receiving an unrelenting slew of death threats since this morning. Bailee became the youngest and most pregnant judge in the state’s history when she won the position last July in a church raffle, as is Mississippi tradition.

“I just think it’s about time we catch up with rest of America,” said Judge Bailee. “The thing is I don’t see color. Mostly that’s because of when that needle got stuck in my eye because the doctor holding it was jonesing real bad, but I mean that like the colors we’re concerned about are on your eye as well and you can’t see your own eye, so what’s the problem?”

Rumor has it that Mississippi, also known as “The Confederate State,” might also be repealing laws that forbid washing all dark colored clothing together, the selling of more than one color of M&M in the same package, and mixed nuts.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nihilist’s New Tattoo Not Representative of Anything

Reggie Hawker, a 28-year-old drug store cashier and recently self-proclaimed “nihilist” just got his newest tattoo of a serpent with an assault rifle finished, however Reggie claims that his beliefs forbid him from acknowledging the tattoo as representative of anything.

“The truth is, and no one will tell you this because everyone else is blind,” said Reggie, “everything in this world is meaningless. We’re just shadows on the ever changing reflecting pool of existence, drifting through the echoes of blackness and infinity. Everything we do comes from the void, so everything we do becomes void in itself.”

Reggie has many other tattoos from his youth but every one of them meant something to him when he received them. The image on his bicep of a flaming cross impaling the planet with the text “vini, vidi, vici,” for example, was supposed to represent global religious imperialism and expose the agenda behind organized religion. Reggie’s tattoo of a sad clown stabbing the American flag while Spider-Man watches with an erection, meanwhile, was originally representative of Reggie’s father.

Since declaring himself a nihilist, however, Reggie has stopped trying to express himself and has instead decided to make all of his decisions based on nothing. This latest tattoo is a result of that way of thinking.

“I’m telling you, it doesn’t mean anything, man,” Reggie continued, “because nothing does. All my ink from now on I’ll get for no reason at all because that’s the only reason that matters. You know why I got this serpent with the guns right here? Neither do I. Because that’s life, man. Get used to it. Now, do you have your Rite Aid Wellness rewards card?”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Vice President Joe Biden’s Top 10 Sexiest Moments of 2014

Circus Killer appears to be the only news outlet that recognizes Joe Biden as the heartthrob sex-machine that he is.  In an effort to bring the real Biden to light,  we compiled a list of the Vice President’s sexiest moments in the year 2014.  You’re welcome.

 

Jan 10 – Restored a ’63 Chevy on White House lawn shirtless.

Jan 24 – Pointed, smiled and winked at a female reporter who then fainted.

Feb 12 – Nursed family of abandoned, dying lion cubs back to health after their mother was killed by poachers.

Apr 4 – Stopped a tsunami from decimating the west coast after 30-minute dialogue with Pacific Ocean.

May 1 – Grilled over six thousand burgers while giving keynote speech at University of Delaware graduation ceremony.

Jun 14 – Became only human being in history to look attractive in American flag themed leather jacket.

Jul 30 – Out-drank Putin.

Aug 22 – Avenged the mother of those lion cubs from February.

Oct 4 – Solved more cases in one week than any other Vice Presidents on the force.

Nov 18 – Made dinner.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

60 Second Ad for New Drug Just List of Side Effects

Grosche-Lumburgh Pharmaceuticals released a 60 second television advertisement for a new anti-depressant called “Vaxidol,” however the ad was comprised entirely of side effects for the drug.

“Legally we’re required to inform potential customers of any new drug’s side effects,” said Grosche-Lumburgh spokesperson Patricia Denali. “Once we mentioned all the side effects attributed with taking Vaxidol, however, there just wasn’t enough time to mention anything else about the drug.”

Despite some of Vaxidol’s numerous side effects, which include “heart failure,” “liver disease,” and “Ebola somehow,” many people with depression have been electing to take the new drug because nine out of ten doctors were paid fifty bucks to recommend it. Vaxidol’s increasing popularity can also be attributed to its recent price drop. Prescription medication can cost the average American over one hundred dollars monthly, however Vaxidol is completely free when you give Grosche-Lumburgh a working credit card and your social security number.

Users of Vaxidol haven’t reported any issues with the drug because many of them have lost the ability to communicate due to either irreparable nervous system damage, brain failure, or spontaneous combustion of throat, chest and other vital areas.

Some Americans without depression have also begun taking the drug shortly after Vaxidol became “The Official Anti-Depressant of the NFL.” Some health analysts warn that this can be dangerous because a side effect of taking Vaxidol without having the depression it’s designed to treat will more often than not lead to depression.

The FDA approved the use of Vaxidol last November, shortly before FDA Deputy Commissioner Josef Harlow purchased a yacht large enough for an on-deck swimming pool that is large enough to contain its own small yacht.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Search for Missing Parent Enters Third Minute

9-year-old Tommy Berkins has been searching for his parents for over two minutes. The search began when Tommy called for his mom to ask for a juice box and maybe trick her into letting him have some Skittles before dinner, but his mother did not answer. Tommy then looked around the house for a minute before giving up on finding her.

Tommy proceeded to search for his father, but after about fifteen seconds remembered that his father was still at work. In an act of desperation, Tommy inquired about his missing parents to his 12-year-old sister Cassidy.

Cassidy reportedly called Tommy a dweeb before demanding that Tommy vacate her room, paying no attention to the mystery at hand. Tommy left after remarking that his sister’s face resembles a butt.

Just as the search entered its third minute, Tommy made his way to the garage to see if either of his parents might have been there for some reason. Tommy noticed that his father’s car and his mother’s minivan were nowhere to be found. Tommy has come to the conclusion that robbers broke in, stole his mom and her car and then left without a trace. Tommy has decided to sit and wait for the robbers to call with their demands.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Office Daredevil Wears Jeans to Work

Dale Costello of Santa Fe, New Mexico, showed up for work wearing jeans today. The stunt shocked Dale’s coworkers, although some say they saw it coming.

“Dale’s really been flaking out recently,” says Patrick Hannedy who works in a cubicle across from Dale. “I’m not sure what’s been going on with him but he’s gonna start seeing some repercussions if he doesn’t get his act together pretty soon.”

Other employees have been watching Dale’s slow downfall into mediocrity closely, noting that this all began some time last month. Dale came into work during casual Friday wearing jeans instead of the preferred and acceptable choice of khakis or dockers. Dale then wore khakis the following Monday, which should have been a normal suit-and-tie day. Dale has devolved back to jeans on normal days, and basketball shorts on casual Fridays.

Unfortunately for his employers, Dale is the best at what he does so firing him isn’t an option. Dale is also something of a loose cannon so reprimanding him wouldn’t accomplish anything. As a result, Dale’s bosses have found a happy medium in which they too wear basketball shorts, but continue to wear a suit and tie above the waist.

Dale’s attitude, meanwhile, continues to be a distraction to his workmates.

“I don’t understand why he can’t just clean himself up every once in a while,” says Debra Fitzgerald, a fellow employee. “His workspace is littered with trash and sometimes he just takes his pants off and hangs them up on a clothes line he brought. Like, for no reason. There’s absolutely no reason to do that. I just don’t understand it.”

Several workplace schlubs have taken after Dale’s example and have begun to show up in inappropriate attire as well. Many hopeful white-collar workers in nearby offices hope that this revolution finds its way into office place norm.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Fox News Committed to Mentioning Race at Least 30 Times a Day

An employee of the Fox Broadcasting company anonymously leaked that FOX News plans to bring up race at least 30 times each day for the next year.  The information did not come as a shock to most FOX News viewers since it was leaked via Twitter and FOX News’ primary demographic is too elderly to figure out social media.

This new plan has already been observed in several of FOX News’ recent stories.  “Fox & Friends,” for example, killed 26 minutes speculating how the pilot of the crashed AirAsia flight was probably Asian.  Additionally, President Barack Obama’s race was brought up every time a story about the President aired.

Some news analysts believe that this change is the result of Fox Network executives recognizing “race” as a media buzzword, while others suspect that executives at FOX are genuinely curious about racial subjects since they’ve seldom come across anyone that isn’t white.

On the most recent edition of  “The O’Reilly Factor,”  TV host and senility advocate Bill O’Reilly did a segment called  “Top 5 Ways to Recognize a Black Person,”  in which he expressed in detail his observations about racial boundaries and young people music.

A spokeswoman for FOX was asked to comment on the matter, but the company wouldn’t let her speak because she’s a woman.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

15 Things to Expect in 2015

2014 was an excellent year for news, and we’re predicting that 2015 will be even greater. Using ultra-advanced algorithmic software and a team of highly educated news geniuses, Circus Killer generated this list of what we believe will be the biggest newsworthy events in 2015.

 

1. Flying cars.

2. Congressional gridlock that will somehow be Obama’s fault.

3. Another former high school colleague getting engaged.

4. A new health crazy will take the nation’s moms by storm.

5. Geico to introduce seven more mascots.

6. More cyber terrorist attacks by groups whose names no one will remember.

7. Eyeball piercings to increase in popularity.

8. A new app will emerge that you won’t believe you’ve survived for so long without having.

9. Nation’s sports teams will set aside their differences and put an end to their senseless squabbling.

10. Netflix to continue trying to break record for worst available titles.

11. Another Star Wars movie.

12. A plethora of contrived complaints about the new Star Wars movie.

13. Nation’s dads will attempt to perfect multitasking by groaning and scratching selves simultaneously.

14. The glorious return of Zarodax the Dark One.

15. Circus Killer’s assimilation into the mainstream media and acceptance as a household brand.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.