Search for Missing M&M Reaches Third Minute

An M&M was dropped just three minutes ago by divorced scrapbooker Elizabeth Fay. Fay was eating the candy alone in her bed while watching the Food Network when a green M&M missed her mouth and fell to an unknown location.

“Usually when I drop one it’s no big deal. It’ll be on my chest or on the bed next to me, sometimes even the floor. I’ve never gone this long without finding it before.”

Fay’s search initially began with the pat down method, searching for a hard lump between her clothes and her skin. While Fay found a number of lumps in her stomach and breasts, none of them were the missing candy.

“Most of those lumps were inside my body,” said Fay, “which is a disappointment because I thought I may’ve found other candies and treats I lost through the years.”

Fay then checked the bed, the pillow and under the sheets. Still, the candy could not be found. Determined, Fay so much as removed herself from the bed and ran her hands through the sheets.

“That time I did find other food items I’ve lost over the years,” said Fay. “None of them were M&M’s, however, and none of them green. I mean, a lot were green, but none that were supposed to be.”

It was then that Fay got on her hands and knees to inspect the floor around and under the bed. Still, nothing.

“At that moment I began questioning everything I knew about reality,” said Fay. “Did I really drop the M&M? Was it really green? What was I even eating? Was my husband an M&M, is that why he left me?”

Three minutes in and Fay has torn her bedroom apart in search of the missing candy. It seems like a hopeless cause, but then again so does Fay.


By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Search for Missing Parent Enters Third Minute

9-year-old Tommy Berkins has been searching for his parents for over two minutes. The search began when Tommy called for his mom to ask for a juice box and maybe trick her into letting him have some Skittles before dinner, but his mother did not answer. Tommy then looked around the house for a minute before giving up on finding her.

Tommy proceeded to search for his father, but after about fifteen seconds remembered that his father was still at work. In an act of desperation, Tommy inquired about his missing parents to his 12-year-old sister Cassidy.

Cassidy reportedly called Tommy a dweeb before demanding that Tommy vacate her room, paying no attention to the mystery at hand. Tommy left after remarking that his sister’s face resembles a butt.

Just as the search entered its third minute, Tommy made his way to the garage to see if either of his parents might have been there for some reason. Tommy noticed that his father’s car and his mother’s minivan were nowhere to be found. Tommy has come to the conclusion that robbers broke in, stole his mom and her car and then left without a trace. Tommy has decided to sit and wait for the robbers to call with their demands.


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.