It’s likely that someone in your life is a closeted straight man who is too afraid to tell you because he doesn’t want to be judged or mistreated. Some hide their heterosexuality well, and the first step to helping your straight friend come to terms with his sexuality is identifying him. Here are a few qualities that only straight men possess:
1. The only place straight men cook is outside.
2. Straight men will often go days without bathing. Check to see if he uses AXE body spray instead of soap.
3. It’s easy to tell if a man is straight by observing his attire. If he wears a polo, thigh-high tube socks or no jewelry aside from a class or championship ring, he’s definitely straight.
4. Straight men don’t like change. The only change they actively participate in has something to do with cars and oil.
5. On average, straight men will only spend about 0.04% of their time with their kids.
6. Straight men only like two kinds of balls – meat and foot. Strike up a conversation to see if these are all things he’s into.
7. Gay men actually can’t go bald.
8. See if he uses words like “golf,” “Home Depot,” or “horse power.”
9. Straight men will never eat finger foods. They only use their fingers for sports, changing channels and wiping crumbs from their mouths while discussing precisely how Obama has ruined the private boating industry.
10. Only the straightest of men love tools, guns and other phallic objects.
11. Remember this rhyme: if he’s overweight, he’s really straight.
12. Clint Eastwood.
13. A lot of men will claim to be straight, but only those who don’t fear homosexuality actually are.
Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.