Neighbors’ Race Still a Mystery

Calvin and Olivia Jones from Chicago have yet to determine the race of the family that moved in to the apartment next door, reports say. The debate has continued since the family moved in last November and appears to get farther from a consensus with each new piece of evidence.

Calvin and Olivia have tried everything they could think of to solve this mystery, including searching through the family’s garbage, attempting to figure out what language they shout in, and using smell to try and identify what sort of food they’re cooking.

“It’s just so vexing,” said Olivia, “to be living next to someone and not know where they’re from. I mean, race isn’t like a big deal or anything. I’m not saying that because I’d be more afraid if they were from a certain place, that’s not what I mean. It’s just really weird not knowing.”

“It’s not like the sort of thing you can just bring up with them, either,” said Calvin. “I think the best thing we can do at this point is to just wait for the next World Cup and determine what country they’re rooting for based on how much our walls start to shake from noise.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Microwave Breaks, Starves

Anthony Gremble, a 26-year-old software engineer from Rhode Island, was found dead in his apartment this past Sunday. Anthony had apparently starved to death after his microwave broke and he couldn’t heat up any food.

“He was lying face-down in the kitchen, trying to figure out how fruit works from the looks of it,” said Officer Dave Chapel, the first to arrive on the scene. “Of course we didn’t officially know how it happened until the autopsy but anyone could guess. The time display on the microwave was blank and his freezer was full of uneaten frozen foods. The food was still good so I’ll probably be taking that home with me.”

Like most people his age, Anthony did not know how to prepare food beyond sticking something in the microwave for a few minutes. Anthony’s parents were reportedly charged with Unintentional Manslaughter this morning for never teaching their son how to properly feed himself.

“I just don’t understand how we can be at blame here,” said Anthony’s mother. “The truth is, I never learned to cook myself. We’re a microwave family. Always have been, always will be. I don’t know why my son didn’t just order takeout.”

“The police are looking in the wrong direction,” said Anthony’s father. “A lot of people knew our son relied heavily on his microwave. Anyone could’ve broken into his apartment and sabotaged the machine. You make a lot of enemies in the software engineering business. I just hope the police find whoever actually did this.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.