New Study Shows Vaccines May Prevent Diseases, FOX News Says

Earlier this week, a group of FOX News reporters affirmed that receiving vaccinations might in fact help to prevent the spread of deadly diseases such as measles and tuberculosis. This came as a shock to many FOX News viewers, who until then had constantly been told that the purpose of vaccinations was to cause autism.

“It’s just unbelievable,” said long-time FOX News watcher Cherry Gunderson. “It’s always been known that immigrants invented vaccines to give our children autism, but to think they’ve accidentally been curing us, too? It’s incredible.”

The report aired on FOX’s new and wildly successful show, “FOX TOX,” in which four reporters sit around for an hour reading news stories from other networks and talking about whether or not they believe in them, because that’s what reporting is now.

The reporters came to the conclusion that vaccines can prevent certain diseases upon discovering that this was a claim made by the CDC, which they all assumed stood for Christian Doctors for Christ. The reporters also made the claim that autism “isn’t really a bad thing, as long as your beliefs in autism don’t conflict with real American values.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Six Dead in Sam’s Club Chocolate Avalanche

Tragedy struck Haverford, Pennsylvania, when the chocolate isle of a Sam’s Club collapsed last Friday, trapping over a dozen customers who were shopping for Valentine’s Day.

The collapse occurred Friday afternoon, mostly trapping married men who waited to the last minute to pick up something for Valentine’s Day. Rescue efforts extended late into the night because most of the chocolate had become unboxed and unwrapped during the avalanche and needed to be tediously rewrapped and repackaged once removed from the pile.

Eleven people of the seventeen who were caught in the avalanche survived by eating their way out.

“It was the most horrifying experience of my life,” said Daniel Oldhardt, one of the survivors. “And then I remembered what I used to tell myself in middle school – just keep eating and everything will be alright.”

Evidence suggests that half of the deceased also tried to eat their way out but stopped themselves so as not to spoil their dinner. The other half appear to have felt it was safer not to because they were diabetic.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The Bizarre Truth Behind 12 Famous Company Mascots

Company mascots are always fun and engaging but sometimes they’re not as lighthearted as we think.  Here are 12 of the most famous company mascots and the strange truth behind their past and/or creation:

 

The Geico gecko has an anthropology degree from Oxford University.  He only started acting to help feed a drug addiction that he has since kicked.

The M&M’s company holds the world record for the “Most Racially Diverse Mascot Spokespeople Who Are Also Edible.”

Ronald McDonald is the product of a botched sex change operation.

The little girl on Coppertone sunscreen products grew up to be a stripper.

In the late 1960s, Aunt Jemima was a high-ranking member of the Black Panthers.

Mr. Clean is only 24 years old.  He only looks like a cartoonish old man after being exposed to low levels of radiation while growing up near Chernobyl.

The Pillsbury Doughboy shares an ancestor with Ted Bundy.

Allstate’s Dennis Haysbert was conceived in 2004 and later animated by the same people who created Pepsi’s Brittany Spears.

The red liquid inside the Kool-Aid man isn’t Kool-Aid, it’s human blood.

Tony the Tiger is a former Black Water mercenary with a confirmed 56 kills under his belt.

Chester Cheetah, also known as “The Cheetos Guy,” has never eaten a single Cheeto. He’s allergic to both danger and extremeness.

In the early 1950s,  a young man was abducted while wondering down an empty road at night after having just fought with his parents.  The young man’s abductor was an insane and disgraced surgeon who took the adolescent to an abandoned warehouse where he liked to perform sick experiments on animals and unsuspecting vagrants.  That night,  the surgeon completed one of his experiments that until then had failed dozens of times;  he removed the young man’s brain and successfully placed it within the body of a cow.  The young man then managed to break free and kill the surgeon but was trapped inside of a cow’s body.  After years,  the young man accepted his fate but sought vengeance further.  Two years later,  he opened the first “Chick-fil-a” restaurant,  for that evil,  insane surgeon that had ruined his life and turned him into a freak forever…  was a chicken.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Office Daredevil Wears Jeans to Work

Dale Costello of Santa Fe, New Mexico, showed up for work wearing jeans today. The stunt shocked Dale’s coworkers, although some say they saw it coming.

“Dale’s really been flaking out recently,” says Patrick Hannedy who works in a cubicle across from Dale. “I’m not sure what’s been going on with him but he’s gonna start seeing some repercussions if he doesn’t get his act together pretty soon.”

Other employees have been watching Dale’s slow downfall into mediocrity closely, noting that this all began some time last month. Dale came into work during casual Friday wearing jeans instead of the preferred and acceptable choice of khakis or dockers. Dale then wore khakis the following Monday, which should have been a normal suit-and-tie day. Dale has devolved back to jeans on normal days, and basketball shorts on casual Fridays.

Unfortunately for his employers, Dale is the best at what he does so firing him isn’t an option. Dale is also something of a loose cannon so reprimanding him wouldn’t accomplish anything. As a result, Dale’s bosses have found a happy medium in which they too wear basketball shorts, but continue to wear a suit and tie above the waist.

Dale’s attitude, meanwhile, continues to be a distraction to his workmates.

“I don’t understand why he can’t just clean himself up every once in a while,” says Debra Fitzgerald, a fellow employee. “His workspace is littered with trash and sometimes he just takes his pants off and hangs them up on a clothes line he brought. Like, for no reason. There’s absolutely no reason to do that. I just don’t understand it.”

Several workplace schlubs have taken after Dale’s example and have begun to show up in inappropriate attire as well. Many hopeful white-collar workers in nearby offices hope that this revolution finds its way into office place norm.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

15 Things to Expect in 2015

2014 was an excellent year for news, and we’re predicting that 2015 will be even greater. Using ultra-advanced algorithmic software and a team of highly educated news geniuses, Circus Killer generated this list of what we believe will be the biggest newsworthy events in 2015.

 

1. Flying cars.

2. Congressional gridlock that will somehow be Obama’s fault.

3. Another former high school colleague getting engaged.

4. A new health crazy will take the nation’s moms by storm.

5. Geico to introduce seven more mascots.

6. More cyber terrorist attacks by groups whose names no one will remember.

7. Eyeball piercings to increase in popularity.

8. A new app will emerge that you won’t believe you’ve survived for so long without having.

9. Nation’s sports teams will set aside their differences and put an end to their senseless squabbling.

10. Netflix to continue trying to break record for worst available titles.

11. Another Star Wars movie.

12. A plethora of contrived complaints about the new Star Wars movie.

13. Nation’s dads will attempt to perfect multitasking by groaning and scratching selves simultaneously.

14. The glorious return of Zarodax the Dark One.

15. Circus Killer’s assimilation into the mainstream media and acceptance as a household brand.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Thousands of House Hunters Endangering Indigenous Local Homes

House hunting has become a major issue in suburbs across the United States as newly weds and new home owners have begun locating and moving into their dream houses. Recent studies show that the population of unoccupied homes has been on a steady decline since 2011, and at the rate that house hunting grows homes could become an endangered species by 2019.

The increase in house hunting has been attributed to the end of the housing market crisis, though many home activists insist that people are hunting for houses out of nothing more than petty greed. Home activists are also up in arms over “house flippers,” who will hunt down a house, purchase it like a piece of property, mutilate it and then sell it for a profit.

“Horrifying acts such as [house flipping] are taking place all across America,” says home activist Jean Gurgich, “and it’s ruining the majesty and integrity of thousands of houses across the nation.”

Cyber terrorist groups have also begun to challenge the house hunting movement. Last week, two major real estate agencies were hacked into, leaking the listing prices of thousands of homes and the contact information for thousands of real estate agents. This publicity has inadvertently helped the real estate industry, and the cyber terrorist groups are reportedly trying to think of other information they can leak to support their cause.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Employee Finds Self in Stall Next to CEO, Shares Life Changing Conversation

Michael Singh, a low-level employee for a large marketing firm in Manhattan, found himself sharing a number 2 with the CEO of his company and bonding during the 45-minute process.

Singh had been having a difficult day and decided to treat himself by taking care of his business in the executive men’s room on the 35th floor of his office. Just when Singh was about to wipe he reportedly heard the door to the restroom open and the stall next to him become occupied. Singh decided at this point to wait until the mystery occupant exited to avoid any possible interactions at the sink.

Soon after the occupant started, however, he began having a conversation with Singh. The initial conversation topic was of a business-related nature since the occupant mistook Singh for a fellow executive. Singh shortly discovered that the mystery dumper was the company’s CEO and immediately became too afraid to exit the restroom for fear of losing his job.

As their conversation continued, both men found themselves discussing their greatest hopes and aspirations as well as confiding in each other about problems in their personal lives. Both found that the other had a unique perspective that they wouldn’t be able to find in their usual circles.

Once they both decided to get back to work, they exited the stalls and shook hands. They then washed their hands and went back to their lives, each a little wiser and feeling a little less alone in the universe.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Repeat Restaurant Patrons Catching On That Soup of the Day is the Same Every Day

Barnedelli’s Italian Grill became the site of a conspiracy last week when word got out that the restaurant was serving the same “Soup of the Day” each day for at least seven or so weeks. The story broke when frequent customers started chitchatting about the family-owned non-chain New Jersey-based establishment and mutually realized that they hadn’t been served a different soup in nearly two months.

Charlotte Edmunds was one such customer. “I was talking to my friend Isabel,” Charlotte told a reporter last week, “and we got on to how good the soup is at Barnedelli’s. And we both realized that the six or seven times we’ve both been there in the last few months, on different days, the Soup of the Day was always the same. White clam fish soup with basil.”

Charlotte then asked her other friends if they had dined at Barnedelli’s recently and found they all had similar stories as well as similar suspicions. It was then that Charlotte spoke with a reporter for the local paper. Hours after their meeting, however, Charlotte died in a car bomb explosion.

Isabel Ortega was outraged by her friend’s death and began speaking out against Barnedelli’s. Since then, Isabel has received numerous death threats by an unknown caller, warning her to shut up about the soup unless she wants to meet a similar fate. Additionally, the reporter that Charlotte spoke to has disappeared.

Rumors began circulating that a legal case is being filed against Barnedelli’s Italian Grill for starter negligence, but the restaurant’s owner has shrugged it off, saying, “Good luck gettin’ anyone to testify.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Things You Didn’t Know About Your Favorite Restaurant Chains

Every business has a few secrets they don’t want you to find out, but we at the Circus Killer News investigative team know how to take out our truth-shovels and start diggin’. Here’s what we discovered about some of the most popular restaurant chains:

 

Chipotle uses expired meat to give you just the right amount of upset stomach.

Contrary to popular belief, there are no Popeye’s restaurants in Louisiana.

Wendy’s only hires redheads.

Upon his father’s death, Sherman Muldoon inherited the world’s largest breadstick quarry. He started Olive Garden as a means of emptying it.

All Chick-fil-a chickens are baptized before being slaughtered.

Ruth’s Chris Steak House offers a menu of only human meat starting at $35,000 per plate.

IHOP was founded by Apple.

Every creature in the lobster tank at Red Lobster is sentient.

KFC still uses slave labor; all of their food is made in overseas sweatshops by indentured workers.

Half of the money Froyo makes goes to anti-LGBTQ activists.

In-N-Out Burger secretly makes their burgers side-to-side.

Originally, the slogan McDonald’s used was “I’m accepting it.”

Abraham Joules was sitting under an apple tree and thinking about how to make bars lamer and more family friendly when an apple fell on his head as a bee stung him at the same time. This inspired him to create Applebee’s.

There is a Terracotta warrior guarding every P.F. Chang’s.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 15 Best Black Friday Deals of 2014

Many Americans have been shopping since yesterday afternoon to take advantage of those irresistible Black Friday deals. To make things a little easier, Circus Killer went ahead and found the best savings out there to make your shopping experience as efficient as possible. Here are the 15 best deals we could find.

 

1. Item: Apple iWatch (preorder).
Price: 10% off when trading in $300.00
Available at: The Apple store

2. Item: Summer dresses.
Price: 70% off
Available at: JCPenney

3. Item: Human kidney (2 for 1).
Price: $69.99
Available on: Amazon

4. Item: Cleats for trampling fellow shoppers.
Price: Free
Available at: All Walmart entryways.

5. Item: Leftover turkey.
Price: $16.99
Available at: ShopRite

6. Item: Deepest sinful desires.
Price: Your eternal soul.
Available at: Any demonic summoning.

7. Item: About three dozen diseases.
Price: For leaving your home.
Available at: All shopping malls.

8. Item: Fondle-Me-Freddie™ (with specially included fingly ticklers).
Price: $29.95
Available at: Everywhere toys are sold.

9. Item: Brand new Ford F-150
Price: $40
Available at: Select Midwestern dealerships.

10. Item: Red Ryder carbine-action two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
Price: $10.99
Available in: 1946

11. Item: Basic Instinct on VHS video.
Price: $0.45
Available at: MovieStop

12. Item: Jar of children’s teeth.
Price: $42.11
Available on: Craigslist

13. Item: Plans to the Death Star.
Price: The lives of countless Bothan spies.
Available on: Yavin IV.

14. Item: Medium-sized Korean family.
Price: $299.99
Available at: Target

15: Item: Good, wholesome Christian values.
Price: Free
Available: Everywhere since the Lord is within all of us.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.