30 Common Phobias

Everyone is afraid of something, whether it’s being in the dark, being alone, or being hit on by an octogenarian. There are so many different kinds of fears and phobias that it can be a little difficult to keep track of them all. Here is a list of the thirty most common phobias in the United States.

 

Autoincosophobia – The fear of getting hit by a car while indoors.

Millenophobia – The fear of young people.

Agoraphobia – The fear of Al Gore.

Fakillnesophobia – The fear of gluten.

Americophobia – The fear of getting shot.

Holicrapophobia – The fear that a sinkhole will open up in your bathroom while you’re sitting on the toilet.

Commerciophobia – The fear of being unable to skip, mute, or otherwise ignore an advertisement.

Phobophobia – The fear of developing an irrational fear.

Phobophobophobia – The fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Protophobophobophobia – The fear of encountering something that might cause the development of the fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Aloforevophobia – The fear of never landing a second date.

Enbeesiophobia – The fear that your favorite television show will get canceled.

Selleckophobia – The fear of exceptional mustaches.

Coulrophobia – The fear of being cool.

Marmotophobia – The fear of getting trapped in a “Groundhog Day” loop.

Pauppophobia – The fear of making eye contact with a poor person.

Netflexpirophobia – The fear that a movie or show you want to watch on Netflix will expire before you get the chance to watch it.

Ufophobia – The fear of being abducted by aliens.

Claustrophobia – The fear of Santa Claus.

Flatuvatophobia – The fear of farting in an elevator.

Arachnophobia – The fear of Iraq.

Forforforophobia – The fear that Wendy’s will take away their “4 for 4” deal.

Notextophobia – The fear that someone dislikes you because they didn’t promptly text you back.

Movonophobia – The fear that your ex is doing better than you.

Procrastophobia – The fear that you’ve been putting something off for too long.

Digifilinophobia – The fear that your body is a robotic skin-suit that is being controlled by a group of highly intelligent housecats.

Chipotelophobia – The fear of chipotle (the spice, not the restaurant).

Chitolepophobia – The fear of Chipotle (the restaurant, not the spice).

Gamothronesophobia – The fear of nudity.

Drumpfophobia – The fear that you’re about half has intelligent as you think you are, and that everyone is secretly laughing at you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

8 Facts That Prove Climate Change Is A Hoax

With the media being dominated by fake news stations like CNN, MSNBC, and everything else that isn’t The Daily Caller, it can be difficult to tell the difference between a legitimate climate change report and a hoax. Like always, Circus Killer News went ahead to bring you all the facts so you know what’s real and what isn’t.

 

1. God doesn’t believe in it.
Climate change is not mentioned anywhere in the bible. If God hasn’t told us it’s real, then there’s no way it could be.

2. The Earth still gets cold sometimes.
If the Earth is really heating up then there shouldn’t be any more winters. The months would just go from November to March, but if you look at any calendar, you’ll see that this is not the case.

3. The Earth shouldn’t be the only world that’s changing.
People haven’t only existed on Earth; we also visited the Moon. If humans were truly a contributing factor to climate change then the Moon’s climate should be changing, too.

4. Electric cars don’t work.
We’re told electric cars are healthier for the environment because they don’t pollute the air as much, and therefore do not contribute to climate change. My neighbor drives an electric car, however, and he suffocated in his apartment last week, so clearly electric cars don’t keep the air clean.

5. There’s no way we’re melting the polar ice caps.
It is true that humans make places warmer; cities are often warmer than countrysides because of all the people, energy, and drugs. The polar ice caps might be melting, but since humans don’t have any civilizations at the north or south poles, there’s no way we’re responsible. Most likely the melting is due to intense polar bear sex.

6. Even if the ice caps are melting, so what?
Scientists would have you believe that if the polar ice caps melt, sea levels around the world would rise several feet, erasing islands and shrinking coastlines. What those scientists don’t admit, however, is that water evaporates into the air. If anything we should be having a thicker atmosphere, not a depleting ozone layer.

7. There are no “superstorms.”
Scientists have warned that climate change will lead the planet into a new era of highly volatile superstorms, and yet no tornado, hurricane, or volcano has every been photographed wearing the Superman logo.

8. Scientists lie all the time. 
The truth is, science has no real use in society. Scientists must lie all the time to try and keep their faux profession alive instead of getting a real hard-working blue-collar job. Other examples of money-driven lies that scientists tell are that vaccines work, that Pluto is not a planet, and that the numbness I feel in my left foot is somehow related to the 200 fluid ounces of soda I drink everyday.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

15 Best Excuses For Getting Out Of Jury Duty

Serving on a jury is an American obligation that nobody wants to do, just like paying taxes or chugging a can of beer while speeding in your Ford pick-up to your cozy coalmining job. Everyone searches for an excuse to get out of jury duty, but it can be difficult to tell what works and what doesn’t. Here’s a list of excuses that have been proven to work.

 

1. Give yourself Pink Eye.

2. If it’s a criminal court, confess to the crime. If they believe you you’ll be a defendant instead of a juror.

3. Use one of your three “get out of jury free” cards that every American gets wen they turn 18.

4. Don’t stop dancing during your entire summons and claim that you have a disease where if you stop dancing, your heart stops. You will be such an annoyance that they’ll have to dismiss you.

5. Conceal a large analog clock on your person. Security will hear the ticking, assume you have a bomb, and deny you entry into the courthouse.

6. Hire an actor to take your place.

7. Insist that they can’t handle the truth.

8. Try to get abducted the night before your summons.

9. Explain that judging others is against your religion.

10. Get a note from your doctor that says you have “Inflammatory Gaseous Syndrome,” and that your excessive flatulence would be an undeniable distraction to your fellow jurors.

11. Bribe the judge with unlimited breadsticks.

12. Wear the clothes and makeup of 17th century French nobility and continuously shout, “Off with his head!”

13. Enroll in a college and take only one course each semester. You’ll be able to get out of jury duty as a student for the next forty years.

14. Successfully convince everyone that you are a brain in a jar, and that you cannot make it to the courtroom without a body.

15. Have you ever heard of a billionaire serving on a jury? Me neither… so just be super rich.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

9 Exciting New TV Shows For The Fall 2017 Season

Autumn is around the corner, which means the world of television is about to start up again. Many of America’s favorites are returning, but there’s a whole panel of promising new shows coming out this year as well. Here’s a brief list of some of them.

 

Secret Poison – Coming to the Food Network, this show pits four chefs battling head-to-head in a deadly cook-off, only this time the judges take all the risks. One of the chefs is a professional assassin and has poisoned their meal, and the judges have to determine which meal is not the poisoned one before eating it. If they choose right all three rounds, the judges get ten thousand dollars each… but if they’re wrong it’s game over.

Double Time – He was an ordinary scientist trying to solve life’s biggest problem: how to not be late for stuff. Then, the experiment happened, and now he lives every day of his life twice. Now he uses his powers to stop crime, and probably also to reconnect with his daughter or wife or something.

New Earth – It’s a dystopian future where society has collapsed, monsters roam free, and nobody can be trusted. A group of teenagers must band together to survive the harshness of an unforgiving world so they can talk about their feelings. Coming to the CW.

Trump the Chump – CNN’s first game show gives its contestants the ultimate challenge; giving away cash prizes to those who can successful identify and answer questions about President Trump’s lies. New episode every 18 hours.

Comparative Minds – She’s a by-the-book police detective. He’s a quirky genius specialist. Together they make the perfect crime-solving team, as well as a dynamic so cliché that it’ll definitely work.

Mugger Wars – This weekly reality documentary on A&E follows various muggers around New York City as they jump innocent people and steal their personal belongings, then attempt to sell them for cash. It’s all the fun of “Storage Wars,” but more thrilling since it’s illegal.

Long-Haul Lover – This NBC drama tells the story of an average man in America’s heartland whose love for his truck is not accepted by society. Watch this emotional journey that teaches us to fight for what we believe in, question the status quo, and how to properly lubricate a tailpipe.

Bunker Hunters – Coming to HGTV, this show follows the same theme as “House Hunters,” only instead of searching for the perfect home, couples try and find the perfect end-of-days nuclear bomb shelter.

Vampire Lifeguard – An ordinary beach lifeguard has his life turned upside-down when he’s turned into a vampire. Now allergic to the sun, he struggles through his everyday life of keeping the beaches safe while fighting the urge to eat everyone he saves.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Creative Ways To Recycle Old Technology

Technology has become a large part of everyone’s lives, but with new technological breakthroughs happening almost everyday, the amount of techno-junk in our homes keeps piling up. Here are some creative ways to recycle some of your outdated devices.

 

1. With a little bit of tinkering you can turn any old appliance into a robot slave that can clean, cook, and vaporize intruders.

2. Beepers, pagers, and palm pilots are just catching on in Kyrgyzstan. You can sell them on eBay for a small fortune.

3. Pretty much any piece of old tech can be used to build a bomb. Also you’re now on a watch list just for reading that last sentence.

4. Store all your movies digitally so you can make a sexy bikini from your DVDs.

5. If you live in the US, you can donate your old smartphones, computers, tablets, and appliances to Immigration Services where they will be used as material for Trump’s border wall.

6. Throw your old cell phone into the ocean. All the creatures of the sea are delighted when humans bestow them with unwanted trash.

7. All your old cassettes can be used as tinder after we bomb ourselves back to the stone age.

8. A broken microwave can easily be converted into a heat-ray that you can use to take over a city.

9. You can use that old VCR of yours to store bread.

10. You can use that broken toaster of yours to store VHS tapes.

11. Use outdated computer parts to construct your first girlfriend you nerd.

12. Indiana Jones got it right; old, unused refrigerators can be repurposed as nuclear bomb shelters. Keep that in mind in 2018.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Tips For Healthier Skin

Taking care of one’s skin is an often overlooked part of a healthy lifestyle. There are lots of fake skin care regimens out there so it’s difficult to know what works and what doesn’t. Here’s a list of fourteen tried and tested methods for healthy skin that have been proven to work.

 

1. Apples are filled with antioxidants that are good for your skin. Cut an apple in half and rub it all over.

2. Use lead-based paint to cover every unsightly blemish.

3. Grow a new skin every mating season and shed your old one like our lizard ancestors did.

4. Skin care oils are helpful, but expensive. You can settle for cheaper oils such as baby, vegetable, and cooking, which do the same thing.

5. Buy your own high-intensity lasers for some at-home mole and skin tag removal.

6. Showering too often can actually damage your skin. It’s healthiest to go three or four months in between showers.

7. Lather your skin in the blood of a virgin to keep it looking young and savory.

8. Ask a mad scientist about putting your brain in a robot body so you don’t have to worry about taking care of your skin.

9. Remember that zits, moles, freckles, and other markings on your skin are a physical manifestation of sin. Live a sinless life in the name of our Lord and your skin will clear up.

10. Magnets.

11. The human tongue is covered in useful bacteria. Try licking the dirt off your skin.

12. Scratching your skin can cause irritation. The next time you feel an itch coming along, remove that section of skin with a hot knife.

13. Most mammals have a coat of fur to protect their skin. Try covering yourself head-to-toe in other people’s hair.

14. Save every fleck of dandruff that falls off your skin. If you save up enough you can use it to plug up any open wound you might sustain from following the advice on this blog.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Ways To Extend Your Phone’s Battery Life

The world of technology brings as many pains as it does pleasures. We all have experience being right in the middle of a text or an episode of a show or an important call telling us where to leave the ransom money when our phone shuts down from low battery, shutting down our lives as well. Check out these 12 tips on expanding the power of your phone’s battery to make sure your tech-enhanced life doesn’t stop.

 

1. The human body creates enough energy in one hour to power your phone for a lifetime. Remove one of your eyes so that you can stick a USB charger into your open eye socket.

2. Play mobile games while sitting on the toilet instead of everywhere all the time constantly.

3. Microwaving your phone for six minutes can give it enough energy for six hours.

4. Send your phone up into space and let it absorb the sun’s radiation. Your phone will charge fully as well as be imbued with super powers.

5. A virus on your mobile phone might always be running in the background, which drains battery life. To combat this, download a security program that will always be running in the background to check for viruses.

6. Replace your phone battery with a car battery.

7. Bury a human bone, a crow’s feather, and a picture of Robert Johnson at the center of a crossroads. Wait there until midnight and a demon will appear. You can sell the demon your phone’s soul in exchange for unlimited battery life.

8. Turn your brightness all the way down and just guess at what you’re typing.

9. Surgically implant an electric eel’s organs into your body so that you can produce your own electricity. Your phone will charge while you’re holding it.

10. Keep your phone in a freezer when you’re not using it. Your battery level will freeze at whatever percentage it was when you put it in.

11. Use your home computer to watch porn instead of watching it on your phone in the subway at full volume.

12. Free yourself from the shackles of a technologically intrusive society by casting your phone into the sea. The saltwater will preserve your phone’s battery life and you’ll get to live off the grid.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Little Known Behind-The-Scenes Facts About “Game of Thrones”

HBO’s hit series “Game of Thrones” has returned for its seventh season to the delight of everyone around the world except for that one friend of yours who is always quick to tell people that he has no plans on ever watching it. But what is it like on the set of this fantasy masterpiece that has taken the internet by storm and inspired vapid world leaders to think walls do anything? We sent one of our reporters to find out. Check out these 14 facts about the show you didn’t know.

 

1. The actor who plays Samwell Tarly eats 30 hotdogs every morning just to stay out of shape.

2. As a show of devotion, Liam Cunningham cut off his fingers in the middle of his audition for the part of Ser Davos Seaworth.

3. One of the dragons on the show is transgender.

4. More people have died on set than characters have died on the show.

5. The actor who played Grand Maester Pycelle refused to wear anything beneath his robes.

6. The “Iron Throne” was constructed by melting down thousands of spatulas, not swords.

7. Every actor who has played “The Mountain” has had to eat the previous actor who played him.

8. Emilia Clarke was cast as Daenerys Targaryen because she has in fact given birth to lizards.

9. The Wall is not CG. It took three gaffers on the show four thousand years to construct it.

10. Michelle Fairley’s throat really was cut open during the “Red Wedding.” The producers didn’t tell her it was coming so that her reaction would be authentic.

11. Each of the seven kingdoms is filmed on a different continent. Everything east of the “Narrow Sea” was filmed on another planet.

12. The gilded prosthetic hand worn by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau has a rich chocolaty center.

13. The actors who play the Wight Walkers are kept in a frozen meat locker when they’re not shooting.

14. The original opening credits theme song had lyrics that just described how amazing Peter Dinklage is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.