SPECIAL REPORT: The Moon

Each night, millions of Americans stare up into the cosmos while succumbing to a bout of depressing existential dread. Often they will see an object that sometimes appears as an orb, sometimes as a sliver, and sometimes as a “gibbous,” which is not a type of ape. This object is called “The Moon,” and it is the most mysterious thing that can be found in the night sky, besides that constellation that looks like Donald Trump’s neck.

Every civilization in human history has had their own theory about what the Moon is. The ancient Egyptians, for example, believed the Moon was a god who controlled the night, the oceans, and menstruation. Ancient Floridians also worshipped the Moon, believing it to be a giant egg out of which hatched hundreds of swamp alligators every thirty days. And the Mayans believed that the Moon is just a giant rock that accreted with the Earth after a planetoid collided with our planet nearly four and a half billion years ago. We now know, however, that the Moon is actually one of God’s testicles that was severed during one of his many battles to protect us against super-powerful Nazi space aliens.

Mankind’s fascination with the Moon has driven some of the greatest achievements in the history of science. During the Cold War, the United States and Russia competed to become the first nation to put humans on the Moon in what became known as the “Space Race,” which is also the name of those aforementioned Nazi space aliens. Each country had its own plans with the Moon; Russia wanted to paint the lifeless rock red to have a constant reminder of communistic might orbiting over everyone’s heads, while America simply wanted to open up a McDonald’s on it.

As with education, healthcare, happiness, and general quality of life, America proved itself to be “Number One” by making it to the Moon first. Astronauts Lance Armstrong, Buzz Alderaan, and The Third One are still honored today for being the first men to have successfully walked on an entirely different world and left their stuff on it, such as a rover that needs to be gassed up, a flag that yearns for someone to pledge their allegiance to, and Armstrong’s wallet.

You might be thinking something like, “I don’t really care about the Moon because it doesn’t affect my daily life,” or, “maybe if I scramble up into that tree at nighttime I’ll be able to see into her bathroom window without her seeing me.” However, scientists would say that you’re wrong. The Moon affects virtually every part of our daily lives. It affects the Tides, by which I mean it influences your decision on which kind of Tide detergent you use. It affects wherewolves, by which I mean you can tell where wolves are if they howl at the Moon near you. It also affects your emo-shins, by which I mean that those who belong to emo, goth, scene, and other such youth fads can feel pressure in their lower legs whenever the Moon is overhead.

We might never return to the Moon, and we might never return the Moon to a safe distance away from humans so that it can no longer affect our brains with its moon rays. All that can be said for sure is that science won’t stop until it uncovers all of the Moon’s secrets and then leaks them to TMZ.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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