SPECIAL REPORT: Public Schools

September is here, and most of America’s youth will find itself inducted into the public school system. It’s no secret that the US falls short in education, but what exactly is the cause behind this educational degeneration? Circus Killer News sent its youngest-looking reporter, Laney Petrelles, to pose undercover as a high school student at Middle Brooks High School in Connecticut to bring you the full public school experience. We also sent our most depressed-looking reporter, Joel Koenner, to pose as a teacher at the same school.

Laney reported that high school has changed a lot since her days as an actual student thirty-three years ago. Every arts program and foreign language course in the Middle Brooks school district was gradually cut over time, but students still needed to take eight classes. The cut courses were replaced with things like “America Appreciation,” where students are taught how to appreciate the United States through song, prayer, and military service. Another one of these pap electives is “Second Lunch,” where students are allowed to extend their lunch break to double the legally required six minutes of lunchtime allotted to them. Another still was simply called “Books,” which has no course description. Laney reports that “Books” is taught by an actual book that a custodian props up on a desk for one hour. Additionally, many students are no longer required to take a gym class ever since the school board classified texting as physical exercise.

Joel found that teaching methods have undergone some change as well. Teachers are now encouraged to show videos instead of talking to their students. They are no longer allowed to design their own curriculums, but rather must use their own money to purchase a “curriculum packet” from the federal government that comes preloaded with every assignment, exam, and study guide the teacher will need for that year. Teaching, Joel found, is no longer a profession for optimistic thinkers eager to shape young minds. Rather, teaching is usually either a part time gig for out-of-work musicians and actors, a dumping zone for the Witness Protection Program, or a practice job for not-so-charismatic cult leaders looking to hone their skills.

While looking for the perspectives of other students, Laney managed to insert herself into every clique at Middle Brooks High. She bought herself a new car and expensive clothes to get in with the popular girls, sold narcotics and steroids to the jocks in order to gain their trust, became accepted by the hipsters by introducing them to music from her high school days that they had never heard before, and developed a sense of humor so she could fit in with the geeks, dorks, and nerds. Though these cliché groups of students had their differences, they all shared a loathing of the system, a palpable anxiety, and one singular piece of gum that has been passed down from each senior class over decades.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Sad, Deplorable Wretch Not Willing To Do Anything About It

Sean Forbles, of New Ridge, Virginia, reportedly plans on not altering his self-deprecating lifestyle despite the depression it causes him. Sean says his unwillingness to change is the result of some misguided sense of integrity that in no way applies to anything that makes his life such crap.

“I know I appear repulsive, and that my habits maybe drive some people away,” said Sean. “But the things that make me so abhorrent are part of who I am, and that means something.”

Sean is a visibly disgusting human being. He showers about once a week and makes no attempt to hide it, saying that showering too often is bad for your hair and skin and also that’s what they do in Europe. Sean does not use soap when he washes his hands, fearing he might contribute to the evolution of a drug-resistant super bacteria. He has never cleaned his ears, never clipped his toenails, and is under the impression that brushing and flossing his teeth is an unnecessary waste of time due to how “messed up” his teeth already are.

But hygiene isn’t the only area of Sean’s life in need of improvement. At 37 years old, Sean has never had a fulltime job, a serious relationship, or a home of his own. Sean believes that he won’t be able to attract a serious relationship until he has a serious a job, that he cannot find a real job until he procures a permanent place of residence, and that he cannot find a permanent home until he dates someone that will let him move in. Sean believes himself to be in a self-sustaining cycle of execrable woe that cannot be broken, and any attempt at making a better life is futile.

Sean would turn to friends and family for guidance, but claims he has none. In fact, Sean has driven these people away with his self-loathing remarks of hopelessness that seem to come up in every conversation. Sean immediately shuts down any individual who tries to talk some sense into him, typically after directly asking that individual for assistance. Sean claims that making people feel sorry for him is his best bet at getting people to like him, which is somehow not the most ridiculous notion to cross through his mind on a daily basis.

This upcoming spring, Sean will attend his high school reunion to find that most of his former classmates, and in fact most people in the developed world, are just as needlessly contemptible as he is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

9 Exciting New TV Shows For The Fall 2017 Season

Autumn is around the corner, which means the world of television is about to start up again. Many of America’s favorites are returning, but there’s a whole panel of promising new shows coming out this year as well. Here’s a brief list of some of them.

 

Secret Poison – Coming to the Food Network, this show pits four chefs battling head-to-head in a deadly cook-off, only this time the judges take all the risks. One of the chefs is a professional assassin and has poisoned their meal, and the judges have to determine which meal is not the poisoned one before eating it. If they choose right all three rounds, the judges get ten thousand dollars each… but if they’re wrong it’s game over.

Double Time – He was an ordinary scientist trying to solve life’s biggest problem: how to not be late for stuff. Then, the experiment happened, and now he lives every day of his life twice. Now he uses his powers to stop crime, and probably also to reconnect with his daughter or wife or something.

New Earth – It’s a dystopian future where society has collapsed, monsters roam free, and nobody can be trusted. A group of teenagers must band together to survive the harshness of an unforgiving world so they can talk about their feelings. Coming to the CW.

Trump the Chump – CNN’s first game show gives its contestants the ultimate challenge; giving away cash prizes to those who can successful identify and answer questions about President Trump’s lies. New episode every 18 hours.

Comparative Minds – She’s a by-the-book police detective. He’s a quirky genius specialist. Together they make the perfect crime-solving team, as well as a dynamic so cliché that it’ll definitely work.

Mugger Wars – This weekly reality documentary on A&E follows various muggers around New York City as they jump innocent people and steal their personal belongings, then attempt to sell them for cash. It’s all the fun of “Storage Wars,” but more thrilling since it’s illegal.

Long-Haul Lover – This NBC drama tells the story of an average man in America’s heartland whose love for his truck is not accepted by society. Watch this emotional journey that teaches us to fight for what we believe in, question the status quo, and how to properly lubricate a tailpipe.

Bunker Hunters – Coming to HGTV, this show follows the same theme as “House Hunters,” only instead of searching for the perfect home, couples try and find the perfect end-of-days nuclear bomb shelter.

Vampire Lifeguard – An ordinary beach lifeguard has his life turned upside-down when he’s turned into a vampire. Now allergic to the sun, he struggles through his everyday life of keeping the beaches safe while fighting the urge to eat everyone he saves.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.