Your horoscope for the week of April 20th, 2015.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve always done things with good intentions at heart. Make sure everyone hears that; maybe if there isn’t enough evidence the jury won’t convict you.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Be thankful for the things you have, like credit card debt and herpes.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Later this week it will feel like someone is trying to get close to you and you keep pushing them away, but what’s a nightclub without a few perverts who use their hands a bit too much?
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You need to start standing up for yourself. Not every store is motorized-scooter accessible.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Your life will be changed forever this weekend when you will be magically turned into a sea creature.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t move… it’s on your shoulder…
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Lately you’ve been feeling jealous of someone close to you. Why should she get to have your dream guy? Why is she allowed to have your dream house and your dream job and your dream life? Don’t you deserve them, too? Don’t you deserve her perfect life? Of course you do, but she’s taking it away from you. She’s taking away your chance at having a dream guy, and a dream house and perfect job and a perfect life. You need to start taking from her, Libra. You need to take all of those things from her. All of them…
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Do you really think you could spend the rest of your life with someone who listens to jazz? I say dump him.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): No, you don’t need another goddamn sweater for your dog.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You are a larger-than-life kind of person. Seriously consider dieting, it’s really starting to affect your health.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You will be pressured into doing something that you really don’t want to do, but you know in your heart that you’re a woman and your penis isn’t going to remove itself.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Watch out for Libra this week. She’s fucking crazy.
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