Your weekly horoscope for April 13th, 2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Something new is about to change your life forever. Let’s just hope it isn’t cancer.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Later this week you will have to make a very difficult choice. I would go with the house salad.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Yes, one more bite can hurt.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Lately you’ve been feeling baby crazy. Listen to me very carefully… you are an adult. You are not a baby. Stop this madness right now.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): This week will start off pretty well, but around midnight on Friday you will be attacked by an unstoppable horde of vicious, man-eating spiders.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Most people only get one shot at true love… just kidding. Most people get four.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Have you tried turning off and turning it back on again?

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Sometimes it can be hard to tell someone the truth, but if you don’t tell him that she’s dead then you can never move in and have him and this whole plan of yours is kaput.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): An apple a day is way too much money. Just get a PC.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You will be called upon for some creative problem solving at work this week, like the time you had to figure out how to get that possum out of the printer.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Sorry, all I’m getting this week is a dial tone.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You have recently put a lot of time and energy into something no one seems to care about. Why you thought building a life-size macaroni sculpture of the set from “Hollywood Squares” was a good idea is beyond me, though.

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for April 6th, 2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been feeling more motivated than usual. It’s amazing how far you’ll go when the things you love are held for ransom.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Now that the weather’s getting warm you don’t have an excuse to not go jogging.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): I don’t know why the Reverend didn’t choose you to be his Easter Slut this year but it’s like the Reverend says, God thinks you’re ugly. By the way I’m pretty sure you’re in a cult.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Avoid highways this week.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Lately you feel like you haven’t been your usual outgoing self, but nobody said quitting cocaine was easy.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Low fat options exist, you know.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You feel like you’re in need of a spiritual cleanse. Get one quickly or you’ll be forced to undergo a spiritual enema.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Don’t let every opportunity slip through your fingers, definitely take that extra moment to fill out the survey that Sam’s Club keeps emailing you about.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Be nice to someone this week. It’ll catch your enemies off-guard.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): No, Matzah is not a Jewish money making scheme used to keep the Illuminati Lizard-Men in the White House. Stop reading that blog that the youngest Romney son writes.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Alright, you go for the safe. I’m on crowd control.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Lately it feels like people have been judging you. If only your trial wasn’t being broadcasted on national television…

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for March 30th, 2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been letting your emotions fester for a while now. Just remember that the Cry Pillow doesn’t judge.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You will be filled with new ideas early this week followed by one of your typical waves of crippling self-doubt later this week.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): A spark will ignite in your love life so make sure your smoke detectors are working.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): I think there’s some mustard on your shirt. Also stop putting mustard on your bagels, you’re not 4.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You know that really vivid dream you keep having about a tsunami decimating Los Angeles? Yeah, it doesn’t mean anything.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): No, you can’t get Ebola from nachos.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how we deal with them that matters. And no one can think any less of you if you keep the abortion a secret.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You have become increasingly popular around the office. Looks like “accidentally” leaking your nudes was a good decision after all.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Later this week you will gain the ability to talk to animals. Surprisingly, this will make you want to be less of a vegetarian.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): I hope you got your tetanus shot…

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I have no idea if “open carry” laws apply to swords, why would you be wondering something like that?

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Lately it feels like you’ve been walking on the sunshine. You should really see a podiatrist, those blisters are definitely getting worse.

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for March 23rd,  2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): No, being randomly selected for a survey does not increase your chances of winning the lottery.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Your passion for the arts is getting you nowhere. Seriously consider switching majors before it’s too late.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Recently you’ve been very patient with someone who’s been pushing your buttons, but that patience is wearing thin so maybe start wearing clothing with zippers.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): It feels like you have a lot on your plate right now; maybe lay off the all-you-can-eat buffets.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): No one has told you that you’re beautiful lately but don’t be discouraged! It’s because they want to be more honest with you.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Productivity has been going south for you. This might be because you keep checking your horoscope at work.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Someone has been trying to open up to you lately. I think it’s that old dude who works at Rite Aid and makes too much eye contact. Maybe think about switching drug stores.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Nice turn signal, jackass.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Exploring the unfamiliar can feel rewarding and enlightening. Just make sure he wears a condom.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): People don’t like the Olive Garden vomit story, stop telling it.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Always remember that there’s nothing gravy can’t fix.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Later this week you will discover the true value of something. Like your house when it forecloses.

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for March 16th,  2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Despite your determination, tenacity and iron will, you will not get the new sound system to work before the party on Saturday.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Tension will rise even further within your family this week so maybe don’t bring home any more black guys.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): He’s not flirting with you, he does that with everyone. In fact you should probably inform HR.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Big things are coming your way… no, seriously, there’s a truck coming straight for you! Run!!

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Nancy Reagan was super into astrology and she was the First Lady. I don’t know, maybe this stuff is for real.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You’ve been feeling really shut-in lately. Try reorganizing your home to make it look new, or maybe go outside and get a life.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): The only thing keeping you from your goals is you. I say that because your lack of experience and horrible credit is completely your fault.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Customarily you should leave 15-20%, depending on how the service was.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): I know things seem really bad right now, but it’s okay… you’ll die early.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You’re very angry at someone right now. Just remember to stay calm, take deep breaths and bury the body where no one will come looking.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I don’t know, where did you last remember putting it?

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): I think that last date went pretty well, too, but do you really think a guy like that hasn’t been with anyone in a year? I mean, really?

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for March 9th, 2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You might feel like your friends have been avoiding you lately. This is because you smell weird and are way too into The Walking Dead.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Heartbreak can be tough, but you’ll be stronger for it. Either that or you’ll need surgery.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Your decision to make healthier choices isn’t panning out as quickly as you had hoped… maybe it’s time to cut your losses and go back to your usual slops.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): I don’t think he’s gonna call you back either.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You’ve been working really hard lately and it feels like your boss hasn’t noticed. That’s because he’s busy taking credit for your work and thinking about purchasing a second boat.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t forget to add salt.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You will come into a great amount of wealth later this week. Wait… no, I’m sorry, I read that wrong. It’s feces. You will come into a great amount of feces later this week.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You need to get that checked out by a doctor, okay? I really can’t help you.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Someone is about to enter your life and change it forever. Then someone else is going to leave your life and change it a lot but it’ll wear off. And then three more people will enter your life. One will change it forever, one will change it slightly at first but gradually more change will be noticeable, and one won’t affect you that much. And then all of them will die.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Remember that money you set aside for a rainy day? Well I’m looking at your job situation right now and boy is there a storm coming…

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Think of a number between 1 and 10. Was it 7? Don’t lie, you know it was 7.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You are at a crossroads right now. Unfortunately it’s not the kind with Ralph Macchio; you can’t play your guitar out of this one.

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for March 2nd,  2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Be kind to a stranger this week, you’re overdue for a good scam.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Jupiter is currently passing through the house of Taurus, so don’t be surprised if you suddenly get super fat.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Love is in the air, but so are unregulated carbon emissions… you should consider moving out of the city.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): A chance will emerge some time this week for you to be a hero. Don’t let this stop you from sitting around on your ass like usual.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Not saying you’re going to die if you don’t order the soup this Thursday, but I really don’t trust that salad.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You may or may not be attacked by a giant sea lizard this week.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You’ll have a cold front moving in from the south later this week, about a 30% chance of precipitation on Monday.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Things will get heated at work this week, so bring like a fan or a cold towel or something.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Look, kid, I don’t know when you’re gonna get a job, alright? Just keep sending out resumes.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): That bread in your pantry will go bad this Tuesday. And yes, bread can go bad.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Your relationship might take a turn for the worse this week so start getting irrational now.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): This sign’s prediction is only available with a Circus Killer Gold Membership account. Pay the $8 monthly subscription fee for access to your astrological reading.

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.