Your weekly horoscope for April 6th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been feeling more motivated than usual. It’s amazing how far you’ll go when the things you love are held for ransom.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Now that the weather’s getting warm you don’t have an excuse to not go jogging.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): I don’t know why the Reverend didn’t choose you to be his Easter Slut this year but it’s like the Reverend says, God thinks you’re ugly. By the way I’m pretty sure you’re in a cult.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Avoid highways this week.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Lately you feel like you haven’t been your usual outgoing self, but nobody said quitting cocaine was easy.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Low fat options exist, you know.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You feel like you’re in need of a spiritual cleanse. Get one quickly or you’ll be forced to undergo a spiritual enema.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Don’t let every opportunity slip through your fingers, definitely take that extra moment to fill out the survey that Sam’s Club keeps emailing you about.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Be nice to someone this week. It’ll catch your enemies off-guard.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): No, Matzah is not a Jewish money making scheme used to keep the Illuminati Lizard-Men in the White House. Stop reading that blog that the youngest Romney son writes.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Alright, you go for the safe. I’m on crowd control.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Lately it feels like people have been judging you. If only your trial wasn’t being broadcasted on national television…

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.