Your weekly horoscope for March 7th, 2016.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You will find out this week that someone you trust has been lying to you, however you have to take partial responsibility for believing that diet soda was a real thing.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): This week you will truly know the meaning of the phrase “laser focus.” This is because a super villain will carve your head open with a laser.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Take the time to thank someone who means a lot to you. If you don’t have anyone like that, take the time to get a cat.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You will die on August 23rd, 2061.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): The hardest things in the world can also be the most rewarding. Like forgiveness and tolerance and eating only one Pringle.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Always remember that the difference between a good day and a bad day is attitude. Well, attitude and herpes.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): No, chocolate is not a food group.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Something unexpected will give you a lot of joy this week, but something aggressive and venomous will give you a lot of sharp, shooting pains throughout your body next week.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You will hear terrible news about your health this week, but you will also find a quarter.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): It’s hard to take responsibility for our actions, but it’s even harder to play it off like you somehow missed the toilet.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You have something in your teeth.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Someone close to you is going to need your support to get through a difficult situation. Just remember that they wouldn’t come to you unless they knew they could count on you, and also because you’re their only friend with two shovels, plastic bags and lots of trunk space.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.