Your weekly horoscope for April 27th, 2015.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): The winds of change are heading your way, so stay inside if you don’t want to be bombarded with flying coins.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): No one has ever left you for loving them too much. It’s the stalking that rubs people the wrong way.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Treat your body like a temple. I mean like the Temple of Doom in the second Indiana Jones movie because of how your body is so old, decrepit and filled with bugs.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You don’t need another person to define you! All you need is like seven cats that are all named after famous female poets.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Alright, that’s the third time he’s mistakenly called you by your sister’s name in bed. Definitely look into this.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t listen to what others say. Anyone can be beautiful, it just costs a lot more for someone like you.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Sticks and stones may break your bones, so avoid forests this week.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Being jealous didn’t work out for anyone. Except I guess for Thomas Edison and that Greek guy who boned his mom.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Don’t panic. It only counts as murder if it happened on dry land.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Don’t be surprised if you wake up Thursday morning to find a snake is in the middle of digesting your right leg.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): When you’ve finished recording, please hang up or press ‘1’ for more options.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): I know how badly you wanted to be a Phoebe, but the chart says you’re a Monica and the chart doesn’t lie. Move on.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.