Factual Friday

12 Tips for Making Pictures of Your Newborn More Interesting

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The happiest moment of your dreams has come true – you’ve brought a new life into the world. Obviously you’re eager to share your excitement, but your friends, family and coworkers might not be as enthusiastic over children as you are. Here are some tips to make sure everyone enjoys photos of your newborn:

 

Take a photo of your child showing off his or her gun collection.

Make sure your baby isn’t sleeping as you’re taking the picture.

Replace your baby photo with a cat photo.

Mix things up by showing your child using a napkin.

Your baby will look better in each photo if he or she is surrounded by other babies who aren’t as cute.

Place your child on a predatory animal before taking each photo.

Post all your photos on Facebook instead of showing them directly to people so that they’re easier to ignore.

Join the rest of the 21st century and take a video.

Use Photoshop to make your baby look thinner and more attractive.

Take your baby photos when your child is actually doing something impressive, such as breaking a land speed record or solving a complex mathematical theorem.

Wait about 20 years.

Quit being a fascist and let your child take its own damn pictures.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

19 Television Channels and What They Represent

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There are a number of good television shows this fall, but it can be difficult to tell if a show is worth your time. Often, you can tell what a show is like based on what network it airs on. Here is a guide to some of the more popular television networks and what you can expect from them.

 

NBC – Cult classics that get inexplicably cancelled.

ABC – The Disney Channel for grown ups.

CBS – Shows about young people as seen through the eyes of old people.

FOX – For those who have never been outside the United States.

The CW – Where monsters go to become attractive people.

Comedy Central – The official stoner network.

FX – What Comedy Central tries to be.

The Food Network – People you don’t like talking about food you might like.

OWN – Probably not for your demographic.

Bravo – Formerly a hub for operas and classical performances, currently a hub for other gay things.

History Channel – Aliens, swamps, and World War II.

TLC – The Learning Channel.

Disney Channel – ABC for children.

MTV – Teen dramas, nothing to do with music.

MTV2 – Reruns of teen dramas, little to do with music.

FXX – What?

AMC – Hosts all the shows your coworkers won’t shut up about.

HBO – Pornography, but with good story.

24-Hour Smooth Jazz Channel – Consistently the best thing on television.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.