Technology

Social Media Site for Psychopaths Goes Viral

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A new social media service called “Spatter,” targeted specifically towards psychopaths, rapists and serial killers, went viral shortly after its launch six days ago.

Nicknamed “Facebook for crazies,” Spatter allows sadists and murderers to post pictures and short videos of their latest sick and twisted escapades. The site also contains a “journals” section, where users can describe in detail their latest murder, their plans to commit murder, and everything they’ve learned about their favorite stalking victim.

One reviewer on Yelp called it, “a soulless hive of pure inhuman scum that exemplifies depravity in its truest form and engenders everything our society fights to discontinue,” while another Yelp reviewer said, “finally.”

Social media analysts have attributed the success of Spatter to its attention towards the previously neglected demographic of whack jobs. This was affirmed by Spatter user “BeautifulBlades.”

“It’s magnificent to have a place online where I can meet people with similar interests and share my experiences,” said BeautifulBlades. “When I post pictures on Facebook or Instagram of the messages I carve into shaved animals, I get the feeling like nobody cares. But now, somebody cares. Somebody cares…”

Spatter was created by the same developers behind SlashMeet, a dating app for the same demographic. SlashMeet was designed to allow psychopaths and the criminally insane to find similar people in their area so they could swap stalking victims, trade weapons, or casually hook-up. The app failed, however, since most of the people who downloaded SlashMeet used it to find out who in their local area was a sadistic psycho so they knew who to avoid and/or report to the police.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 15 Best Black Friday Deals of 2014

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Many Americans have been shopping since yesterday afternoon to take advantage of those irresistible Black Friday deals. To make things a little easier, Circus Killer went ahead and found the best savings out there to make your shopping experience as efficient as possible. Here are the 15 best deals we could find.

 

1. Item: Apple iWatch (preorder).
Price: 10% off when trading in $300.00
Available at: The Apple store

2. Item: Summer dresses.
Price: 70% off
Available at: JCPenney

3. Item: Human kidney (2 for 1).
Price: $69.99
Available on: Amazon

4. Item: Cleats for trampling fellow shoppers.
Price: Free
Available at: All Walmart entryways.

5. Item: Leftover turkey.
Price: $16.99
Available at: ShopRite

6. Item: Deepest sinful desires.
Price: Your eternal soul.
Available at: Any demonic summoning.

7. Item: About three dozen diseases.
Price: For leaving your home.
Available at: All shopping malls.

8. Item: Fondle-Me-Freddie™ (with specially included fingly ticklers).
Price: $29.95
Available at: Everywhere toys are sold.

9. Item: Brand new Ford F-150
Price: $40
Available at: Select Midwestern dealerships.

10. Item: Red Ryder carbine-action two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
Price: $10.99
Available in: 1946

11. Item: Basic Instinct on VHS video.
Price: $0.45
Available at: MovieStop

12. Item: Jar of children’s teeth.
Price: $42.11
Available on: Craigslist

13. Item: Plans to the Death Star.
Price: The lives of countless Bothan spies.
Available on: Yavin IV.

14. Item: Medium-sized Korean family.
Price: $299.99
Available at: Target

15: Item: Good, wholesome Christian values.
Price: Free
Available: Everywhere since the Lord is within all of us.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Ford Unveils Plans for Line of New Glass-Bottom Cars

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Ford spokeswoman Geraldine Page spoke today about the company’s plans to have at least three models of glass-bottom vehicles on the road by 2017. The initial announcement was made last month by the company’s CEO Harrison Ford, but not much was known about the project until Page spoke at a press conference this morning.

“Ford has always prided itself on bringing our customers safety and reliability,” said Page. “We have been on the frontline of innovation for decades and are proud to take this next step towards the future.”

The new feature will allow drivers to identify the things they run over as they’re running over them, as well as to help initiate conversation with passengers about how much the particular road they’re on is in need of repaving.

To make sure nothing gets in the way of the experience, Ford plans to make the under-workings of each vehicle out of glass as well. Said Page, “Above anything else, drivers need to be able to see the road clearly. That much glass in a car might sound dangerous, but studies show that the chances of an accident occurring are greatly reduced if the driver has his or her eyes on the road.”

Page failed to comment, but rumors are that Ford plans on adding this feature to three brand new models. They are the “Shatter,” a 2-door sport, the “Window,” a mini-van, and a crossover called the “Crack.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Walmart to Replace Greeters with Drones

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This past weekend, Walmart spokesperson Patty Ellis announced the company’s plans to replace its Greeters with remotely-controlled drones. The proposition calls for a dozen unmanned aerial hovercraft to wait at the entrance of every store and inform customers of current promotions and sales.

“Drones are the next big thing,” said Ellis frankly. “Walmart has been trailing behind in the technology game, so it was either this or finish installing automatic doors in all of our stores.”

The drones will be operated by certified pilots in an off-site location, safe and far from any real customers. For many Greeters, this means unemployment.

“I’ve given my life to this job,” says Sheila Duncan, a life-long Walmart Greeter who died at her post twenty years ago before being revived by a customer who had just purchased a defibrillator. “Now I have to decide if I should leave my job or go back to drone school. No one should have to make that choice.”

Walmart is the fourth multi-billion dollar company that wishes to implement drones into its business, following Amazon, Google, and Facebook. Facebook has been using drone technology since its inception in 2004 in the form of its users.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.