Politics

Facially Divided America Demands First Bearded President

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Facial discrimination reached a peak in Grove City, Louisiana over the weekend when riots erupted across the town. The riots began as peaceful protests but became militant when local police fired shaving foam cannons at the protesters to try and get them to disperse.

Oppression of the unkempt is not a new concept in the United States, and beard supporters like Garth Mellen, a custom shirt designer from Brooklyn, say that the next step for the nation is to elect a bearded president.

“The discrimination won’t end until we get our own people in the White House to watch out for us,” Mellen told us as he attempted to remove Dorito crumbs from his 3-incher. “We claim to live in a progressive society but I still see men with mustaches getting facial remarks as they walk down the street.

Some say that things are moving in the right direction, pointing to Democratic representative Brenda Longfellow (Vermont) who was voted into congress as the first bearded congresswoman in US history. Longfellow was elected on a platform of reduced government spending and increased taxation on all razors and sanitary wax.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Arctic Shelf Voting to Secede from Polar Ice Cap

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A particular arctic shelf of the polar ice cap has been speaking out for independence in recent months. Much of the ice wants to become its own shelf while some of it doesn’t want the extra responsibility of supporting its own family of polar bears. To solve the issue, the polar ice cap is allowing the shelf to vote for its freedom next Tuesday.

The shelf’s struggle for independence has been a topic as early as the last ice age, or “Glacial Period,” three million years ago. At this time, the polar ice cap was on a conquest to absorb every nearby ice shelf, creating the fifth and final Polar Ice Empire.

But the PIE didn’t last long. A climate change treaty was signed and much of the PIE fell apart. This particular arctic shelf is one of the only remaining pieces.

If the proposition to secede passes, many believe it will mark the end of an era and a new climate change treaty will need to be signed. In a recent survey, much of the world said they would support a new climate era, while some of the globe is warming up to the idea.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.