Your weekly horoscope for April 13th, 2015.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Something new is about to change your life forever. Let’s just hope it isn’t cancer.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Later this week you will have to make a very difficult choice. I would go with the house salad.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Yes, one more bite can hurt.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Lately you’ve been feeling baby crazy. Listen to me very carefully… you are an adult. You are not a baby. Stop this madness right now.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): This week will start off pretty well, but around midnight on Friday you will be attacked by an unstoppable horde of vicious, man-eating spiders.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Most people only get one shot at true love… just kidding. Most people get four.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Have you tried turning off and turning it back on again?
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Sometimes it can be hard to tell someone the truth, but if you don’t tell him that she’s dead then you can never move in and have him and this whole plan of yours is kaput.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): An apple a day is way too much money. Just get a PC.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You will be called upon for some creative problem solving at work this week, like the time you had to figure out how to get that possum out of the printer.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Sorry, all I’m getting this week is a dial tone.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You have recently put a lot of time and energy into something no one seems to care about. Why you thought building a life-size macaroni sculpture of the set from “Hollywood Squares” was a good idea is beyond me, though.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.