Celebrities

Local Fire Department Desperately Tries to Remove James Cameron from Area Man’s Pool

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James Cameron, famous Hollywood filmmaker and oceanographer, launched a watery expedition on Tuesday into a Georgia man’s in-ground pool without the man’s permission. Cameron had intended for this latest endeavor to take place in the ocean, but chose a random person’s backyard pool upon realizing that he’s run out of ocean to explore.

Hank Driscol, the pool’s owner, discovered Cameron early Wednesday morning when Avatar director Cameron briefly came up for air. Driscol confronted Cameron, but the filmmaker refused to leave Driscol’s pool until he discovers a treasure of some sort. It was at this point that Driscol called emergency services.

One day later, the local fire department was unsuccessful in removing Cameron from the pool. Authorities first began trying to reason with Cameron, but could not come up with the awe and wonder of genuine discovery that the film director seeks. Authorities then threatened to drain the pool, but Cameron countered by threatening to recite lines from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Since then both parties have been in a stalemate, but it’s likely that Driscol and everyone else involved will just wait for Cameron to tucker himself out.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Kim Kardashian Might Have Just Eaten Fruit

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Kim Kardashian, famous for being the only famous person who has no reason to be famous, was seen just moments ago biting into some sort of fruit. A team of nutritionists and food experts has gathered to determine exactly what fruit this might have been, though early reports speculate it to be a pomegranate.

This sudden alteration in Kim’s typical diet of lettuce, ice cubes and paper has frenzied Kardashiologists everywhere. Some believe that the reality show star was only trying to test its toughness, while others think this might be the beginning of a brand new Kim.

“Kim’s been going through a lot of changes since her marriage,” says Dawn Wilkes, a middle-aged woman who has been studying the starlet since giving up on herself. “Marriage changes a woman, and I know that from having read about it.”

In other news, pomegranate sales have spiked since this morning.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Starbucks Again Honors Adorably Overweight Spice Girl with “Pumpkin Spice Latte”

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Starbucks has once again whipped out its traditional “Pumpkin Spice Latte” in honor of Melissa Bentley, the sixth member of the famous ‘90s British pop group “The Spice Girls,” who died around this time four years ago. Bentley was better known to her fans as “Pumpkin Spice,” a nickname given to her in light of her noticeably round figure and orange skin.

Bentley’s addition to the iconic musical group was a landmark in pop culture at the time, having joined on for her raw musical talent instead of her looks. Bentley was responsible for the non-lyrical portions of each song, vocally “beatboxing” every tone and percussive sound that wasn’t sung by the other Spice Girls. She was typically found just off stage during performances, hiding behind curtains as a result of her debilitating stage fright. Her fear of being seen is also why she doesn’t appear in any pictures with the rest of the group.

When The Spice Girls went on their “indefinite hiatus” in December of 2000, Bentley married into the Starbucks family. Many of the bizarre hit flavors that Starbucks has produced over the years were created by Bentley, who was known to often mix together as many foods as possible before consuming them. Her passing in late October of 2010 is still honored by the company, which, along with the rest of the Spice World, laments her tragic death of getting lost inside a pile of leaves.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.