Horoscope: Week of May 4th, 2015

Your weekly horoscope for May 4th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Fortunately someone will do something this week that will make you feel like a young woman again. Unfortunately that something will be taking advantage of your sexuality.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Don’t practice your Oscar acceptance speech while waiting tables, it confuses people.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): You’ve been attracting a lot of negativity lately. This is because you’re a positive person and opposites attract. Just be an asshole and things will get better.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Your predictions are a little unclear this week… either you’re going to stumble into a great amount of wealth or you’ll stumble into a great pile of animal feces.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You’ve always been strong-hearted and kind-willed. Or maybe it’s the other way around… I don’t know. The point is, your week’s gonna suck.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Later this week you will be in a horrible science accident that gives you the ability to digest lactose. The struggle is over.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): No, “naked yoga” is not a thing. He’s trying to sleep with you.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): I know you’ve been searching for that perfect man but I think it’s time to settle for someone a little subpar. Like that guy whose first date he brought you on was a $25 murder mystery buffet.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. You’ll have to seduce one of them if you’re gonna break this sexual dry spell of yours.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): “The worst decisions we make are the ones that help us learn the most,” is not something I can say about your contemporary French poetry degree.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Did you remember to call the bank?

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You may not be smart, talented, confident or attractive, but at least you never slept with Lumbergh.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of April 27th, 2015

Your weekly horoscope for April 27th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): The winds of change are heading your way, so stay inside if you don’t want to be bombarded with flying coins.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): No one has ever left you for loving them too much. It’s the stalking that rubs people the wrong way.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Treat your body like a temple. I mean like the Temple of Doom in the second Indiana Jones movie because of how your body is so old, decrepit and filled with bugs.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You don’t need another person to define you! All you need is like seven cats that are all named after famous female poets.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Alright, that’s the third time he’s mistakenly called you by your sister’s name in bed. Definitely look into this.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t listen to what others say. Anyone can be beautiful, it just costs a lot more for someone like you.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Sticks and stones may break your bones, so avoid forests this week.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Being jealous didn’t work out for anyone. Except I guess for Thomas Edison and that Greek guy who boned his mom.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Don’t panic. It only counts as murder if it happened on dry land.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Don’t be surprised if you wake up Thursday morning to find a snake is in the middle of digesting your right leg.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): When you’ve finished recording, please hang up or press ‘1’ for more options.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): I know how badly you wanted to be a Phoebe, but the chart says you’re a Monica and the chart doesn’t lie. Move on.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of April 20th, 2015

Your horoscope for the week of April 20th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve always done things with good intentions at heart. Make sure everyone hears that; maybe if there isn’t enough evidence the jury won’t convict you.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Be thankful for the things you have, like credit card debt and herpes.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Later this week it will feel like someone is trying to get close to you and you keep pushing them away, but what’s a nightclub without a few perverts who use their hands a bit too much?

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You need to start standing up for yourself. Not every store is motorized-scooter accessible.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Your life will be changed forever this weekend when you will be magically turned into a sea creature.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t move… it’s on your shoulder…

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Lately you’ve been feeling jealous of someone close to you. Why should she get to have your dream guy? Why is she allowed to have your dream house and your dream job and your dream life? Don’t you deserve them, too? Don’t you deserve her perfect life? Of course you do, but she’s taking it away from you. She’s taking away your chance at having a dream guy, and a dream house and perfect job and a perfect life. You need to start taking from her, Libra. You need to take all of those things from her. All of them…

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Do you really think you could spend the rest of your life with someone who listens to jazz? I say dump him.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): No, you don’t need another goddamn sweater for your dog.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You are a larger-than-life kind of person. Seriously consider dieting, it’s really starting to affect your health.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You will be pressured into doing something that you really don’t want to do, but you know in your heart that you’re a woman and your penis isn’t going to remove itself.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Watch out for Libra this week. She’s fucking crazy.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of April 13th

Your weekly horoscope for April 13th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Something new is about to change your life forever. Let’s just hope it isn’t cancer.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Later this week you will have to make a very difficult choice. I would go with the house salad.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Yes, one more bite can hurt.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Lately you’ve been feeling baby crazy. Listen to me very carefully… you are an adult. You are not a baby. Stop this madness right now.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): This week will start off pretty well, but around midnight on Friday you will be attacked by an unstoppable horde of vicious, man-eating spiders.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Most people only get one shot at true love… just kidding. Most people get four.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Have you tried turning off and turning it back on again?

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Sometimes it can be hard to tell someone the truth, but if you don’t tell him that she’s dead then you can never move in and have him and this whole plan of yours is kaput.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): An apple a day is way too much money. Just get a PC.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You will be called upon for some creative problem solving at work this week, like the time you had to figure out how to get that possum out of the printer.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Sorry, all I’m getting this week is a dial tone.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You have recently put a lot of time and energy into something no one seems to care about. Why you thought building a life-size macaroni sculpture of the set from “Hollywood Squares” was a good idea is beyond me, though.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of April 6th, 2015

Your weekly horoscope for April 6th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been feeling more motivated than usual. It’s amazing how far you’ll go when the things you love are held for ransom.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Now that the weather’s getting warm you don’t have an excuse to not go jogging.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): I don’t know why the Reverend didn’t choose you to be his Easter Slut this year but it’s like the Reverend says, God thinks you’re ugly. By the way I’m pretty sure you’re in a cult.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Avoid highways this week.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Lately you feel like you haven’t been your usual outgoing self, but nobody said quitting cocaine was easy.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Low fat options exist, you know.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You feel like you’re in need of a spiritual cleanse. Get one quickly or you’ll be forced to undergo a spiritual enema.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Don’t let every opportunity slip through your fingers, definitely take that extra moment to fill out the survey that Sam’s Club keeps emailing you about.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Be nice to someone this week. It’ll catch your enemies off-guard.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): No, Matzah is not a Jewish money making scheme used to keep the Illuminati Lizard-Men in the White House. Stop reading that blog that the youngest Romney son writes.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Alright, you go for the safe. I’m on crowd control.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Lately it feels like people have been judging you. If only your trial wasn’t being broadcasted on national television…

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of March 30th, 2015

Your weekly horoscope for March 30th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been letting your emotions fester for a while now. Just remember that the Cry Pillow doesn’t judge.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You will be filled with new ideas early this week followed by one of your typical waves of crippling self-doubt later this week.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): A spark will ignite in your love life so make sure your smoke detectors are working.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): I think there’s some mustard on your shirt. Also stop putting mustard on your bagels, you’re not 4.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You know that really vivid dream you keep having about a tsunami decimating Los Angeles? Yeah, it doesn’t mean anything.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): No, you can’t get Ebola from nachos.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how we deal with them that matters. And no one can think any less of you if you keep the abortion a secret.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You have become increasingly popular around the office. Looks like “accidentally” leaking your nudes was a good decision after all.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Later this week you will gain the ability to talk to animals. Surprisingly, this will make you want to be less of a vegetarian.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): I hope you got your tetanus shot…

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I have no idea if “open carry” laws apply to swords, why would you be wondering something like that?

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Lately it feels like you’ve been walking on the sunshine. You should really see a podiatrist, those blisters are definitely getting worse.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of March 23rd, 2015

Your weekly horoscope for March 23rd,  2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): No, being randomly selected for a survey does not increase your chances of winning the lottery.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Your passion for the arts is getting you nowhere. Seriously consider switching majors before it’s too late.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Recently you’ve been very patient with someone who’s been pushing your buttons, but that patience is wearing thin so maybe start wearing clothing with zippers.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): It feels like you have a lot on your plate right now; maybe lay off the all-you-can-eat buffets.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): No one has told you that you’re beautiful lately but don’t be discouraged! It’s because they want to be more honest with you.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Productivity has been going south for you. This might be because you keep checking your horoscope at work.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Someone has been trying to open up to you lately. I think it’s that old dude who works at Rite Aid and makes too much eye contact. Maybe think about switching drug stores.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Nice turn signal, jackass.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Exploring the unfamiliar can feel rewarding and enlightening. Just make sure he wears a condom.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): People don’t like the Olive Garden vomit story, stop telling it.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Always remember that there’s nothing gravy can’t fix.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Later this week you will discover the true value of something. Like your house when it forecloses.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.