Special Reports

SPECIAL REPORT: Is Supercuts Stereotyping Against Bald Men?

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Every American has been to a Supercuts at one point in their lives, whether it was for a drastic new look, a cheap touchup before an important interview, or to eat hair off of the floor because that Eastern European guy said it was the only way you could star in his movie. But what if this affordable staple of passable fashion was secretly stereotyping against the nation’s least fortunate demographic? What if the welcoming atmosphere of Supercuts is just as fake as that Eastern European guy’s film company turned out to be?

Rod Skagleyfoot contacted Circus Killer News after being victimized by the hair cutting giant. He says he was denied service for no other reason than that he was bald.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” said Skagleyfoot to Circus Killer News reporter Chip Chambers. “I’ve never heard of something like this happening before, except to people who are black or gay or women or something else weird.”

Skagleyfoot recalled times in the past when visiting Supercuts was a fun and relaxing experience; a time before he identified as a bald man.

“It used to be that in this country you was free to go to Supercuts and wait on a wobbly, uncomfortable bench in the lobby for 40 minutes while reading all the fancy French words on that wall of shampoos, and wondering if you can get away with taking one of those lollipops from the bowl by saying your kid is in the car. That’s the America I remember. And it’s gone.”

Skagleyfoot isn’t the first bald man to complain. In fact, many bald men complain about a lot of thing all the time. But Skagleyfoot isn’t the first to come forward with complaints about this specific thing. Bald men across the country have reported being denied service from Supercuts due to nothing more than their shiny, hairless tops.

To get to the bottom of this conspiracy, Chip Chambers went undercover as a bald man. Chip did everything he could to project a truly bald image. In addition to wearing a bald cap, Chip put on sandals, a t-shirt with words on it, and learned everything he could about canned beer. Chip was driven to a nearby Supercuts in our Circus Killer News van, which for this experiment was disguised as a 2002 Ford Taurus – a stereotypically bald car.

Chip was thrown out not soon after entering. No recording devices were allowed in the establishment due to recent Great Clips espionage attempts, so none of what transpired could be captured on film or audio. According to Chip’s reports, however, the stylist who greeted him did so at gunpoint and ordered him back out onto the street.

Chip returned later that day without the bald makeup. He was surprised to find that the exact same stylist who had just hours earlier threatened to “scalp [his] freakishly naked head and hang it up on the scalp wall for all to see” now greeted him pleasantly and without a firearm. As Chip sat wrapped up in that black tarp that protects people from the radiation of the electric shavers, and the hair stylist trimmed his hair while droning on about her friend’s sister’s fiancée’s landscaping business or whatever, Chip felt as though the world was supposed to be better than such vile, petty prejudices. In those few minutes he spiraled into a deep, inescapable depression that radically shook his entire worldview at its core. In the middle of his haircut, Chip activated his emergency Circus Killer News cyanide tooth, and became the thirteenth thing to die in that particular hair stylist’s hands.

Rest in peace, Chip Chambers. This Circus Killer News Special Report is dedicated to you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Coke Vs. Pepsi

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Nothing has divided our nation more than the answer to the ultimate question: which is better, Coke or Pepsi? Many Americans argue the title of best soda belongs to Coca-Cola, the original cola company. Some, however, suggest that Pepsi has caught up and surpassed the original soda giant in terms of both freshness and taste. Others still have no preference, but those people are losers. To settle the debate once and for all, Circus Killer News sent it’s top investigative reporter, Abdulla Schmidtenhaüser, out into the field to learn a little more about this lightly refrigerated war.

Abdulla began his investigation by interviewing people in the street. Not surprisingly, many Americans took a hard stance on the issue.

“I wouldn’t drink Pepsi if it was the last beverage on Earth,” said one woman who was seemingly unaware that there was a fully untouched fried drumstick sitting in her cleavage. “My daddy was a Coke drinker, his daddy was a Coke drinker, and his daddy couldn’t drink anything ‘cause he got his throat slashed open in a bar fight as a three-year-old and any time he tried to drink somethin’ for the rest of his life it would just spurt out of his neck, but I’m sure he’d’ve been a Coke drinker, too.” Abdulla received similar remarks from devoted Pepsi drinkers.

But what makes these two beverages so different? After immersive research that lasted about fifteen seconds, Abdulla found that the ingredients for the two beverages were exactly the same. Not only that, but Coke and Pepsi are distributed by the exact same bottling company, the “Render Word Owl” Co.

It was then that Abdulla started receiving mysterious death threats. Abdulla received a message on his answering machine where a man with a voice changer told him to “stop meddling in things he didn’t understand.” A brick came crashing through a window in Abdulla’s home with a note tied to it that read, “stop asking questions, we’re watching.” Then, another brick came through another window with a different message that read, “also, who the fuck still has an answering machine? It’s 2017.”

Determined to get to the bottom of this conspiracy, Abdulla looked up information about the Render Word Owl Company. Soon he was contacted by an illusive whistleblower who went by the codename “Backdoor Tooter.” Tooter turned Abdulla onto a factory in the Midwest and told him to follow the corn syrup, so he did.

Abdulla discovered that the factory that produces Coca-Cola is the exact same one that produces Pepsi. Abdulla reported watching in horror as black, fizzy liquid from one giant vat was funneled into two separate conveyer belts, one for Coke bottles and another for Pepsi. All the workers were children who were being whipped by a man wearing sandals, a skirt, and a cloth headdress. It was a gruesome sight.

Abdulla reported all of this over the phone, but the call was cut short before he could tell us where he was. That was several weeks ago, and we haven’t heard from him since. Circus Killer News is presuming Abdulla Schmidtenhaüser dead, making him the fifteenth reporter this year who was killed by getting too close to something, although the other fourteen all died at once when our printer exploded.

We are hereby suspending our investigation into the Coke/Pepsi war.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: The Beach

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For decades scientists and experts have known that the beach is just about the worst place to spend large amounts of time, yet that doesn’t stop ordinary Americans from flocking to the shore every warm-weather weekend. Recently, Circus Killer News sent an undercover reporter, Chelsea Realperson, to the Jersey shore to try and figure out what makes people return to these hellish scenes and how they manage to survive.

First, Chelsea sought to discover what draws beachgoers to the shore. After interviewing several people, Chelsea found that many meander to the shores every weekend to relax. Beachgoers are seemingly unaware that things like sitting, napping, and reading are all activities that can be done in their own homes. Aspects of the shore that beachgoers find aesthetically pleasing, such as “listening to the sound of the waves” and “smelling the salty air,” can easily be replicated with smartphone apps.

A handful of beachgoers said they enjoyed the sand but could not explain why. Chelsea asked if they were aware that sand tracks back to their homes and often hides glass shards, used condoms and discarded drug paraphernalia, and all of them shrugged those facts off like they were no big deal. As a test, Chelsea asked a different group of strangers if they would continue to frequent a movie theater, mall, public park or any other social gathering area if the ground there was littered with garbage, band-aids and bugs, and the responses she received ranged from “of course not” to “god, no” to “ma’am, please, this is a funeral.”

Many beachgoers report taking pleasure in laying on the ground and exposing as much of themselves as possible to harmful solar radiation. Instead of wearing clothes, beachgoers will rub chemicals into their skin or even take shelter under umbrellas, which are traditionally used for protection from the exact opposite kind of weather. Our reporter, Chelsea, attempted this “sunbathing” herself and was unable to feel the spiritual connection that most beachgoers report feeling with their Sun God, whom they often refer to as Uv. Soon afterwards Chelsea’s skin turned red, which she believes is Uv punishing her for her rejection of the beachers’ ways.

When wanting to feel active, beachgoers will often charge headfirst into the ocean – yes, the literal ocean – which is its own separate horror. Beachgoers enjoy sloshing their bodies around in this salty liquid-landfill despite the fact that it is often the site of hurricanes, drownings, and is the only place where sharks exist. There are groupings of attractive high-school dropouts called “lifeguards” whose job it is to keep swimmers safe from the oceans’ many terrors, but not a single one of them ever carries a weapon.

Chelsea was never able to figure out why people return to the beach whenever they can, and for that she has been demoted to an overcover reporter. One thing she did discover, however, is that regular beachgoers will continue this ritual every weekend from Labor Day to Memorial Day, or possibly the other way around. I forget which is which.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.