Business

Rite Aid Announces New Sales Plan to “Just Give Shit Away”

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Rite Aid CEO Gary Badgett announced his bold new sales plan this morning to start giving out everything in his stores for free.

“The truth is,” said Badgett in a press conference, “we don’t want any of this shit and I’m sick of looking at it. Do you really think any of us at Rite Aid need those plastic beach buckets in the mesh nets that we keep in between the sandals and the non-electric toothbrushes? Of course not, it’s the middle of November. So just take the damn stuff.”

Badgett claims he’s been trying to get rid of everything in his pharmacies for several years now, but for some reason people just aren’t taking the bait.

“I was in one of my stores the other day,” Badgett continued, “and saw a book section. Literally a book section. The aisle was labeled ‘historical fiction.’ Things wouldn’t have gotten this way if you people just took my advice from the beginning and cleaned this place out.”

Despite Badgett’s plea, many Rite Aid customers refuse to have any part in the deal. When offered the chance to leave the store without paying for their items, most shrugged off the opportunity, saying, “no thanks, I don’t come here that often anyway.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Toilet Rental Business Sweeps Nation

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With the success of Airbnb, opportunists and capitalists across the United States have sought to get into the rental business, and a new private company has emerged in recent months that satisfy this American dream of making money without doing much.

“Globojohn” is a website and social networking service that allows users to register their commodes for rental use to anyone seeking to relieve his or herself on the go. The service was established in August, and has so far been used over 4.1 million times.

The company was founded by Pennsylvania native Dennis Catano who got the idea while sitting on the can himself. Thinking that spending 40 minutes on the toilet daily was a poor investment, Catano began renting out his own toilet to neighbors and passing vagrants, casually inviting all he encountered to “plop a squat on his pot” sometime. His small business became a success largely because his home is located half a block from a Chipotle.

Catano opened up his business to other renters shortly afterwards, creating a website through which Americans can register their toilets and find a globojohn in their area. By becoming a member of the Globojohn website, users can build up “poop points” to earn discounts and rewards for future visits. Users of the site can also log on to their profiles to write reviews of globojohns they’ve visited, and rank them on a scale from 1 to 5 wipes.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Ford Unveils Plans for Line of New Glass-Bottom Cars

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Ford spokeswoman Geraldine Page spoke today about the company’s plans to have at least three models of glass-bottom vehicles on the road by 2017. The initial announcement was made last month by the company’s CEO Harrison Ford, but not much was known about the project until Page spoke at a press conference this morning.

“Ford has always prided itself on bringing our customers safety and reliability,” said Page. “We have been on the frontline of innovation for decades and are proud to take this next step towards the future.”

The new feature will allow drivers to identify the things they run over as they’re running over them, as well as to help initiate conversation with passengers about how much the particular road they’re on is in need of repaving.

To make sure nothing gets in the way of the experience, Ford plans to make the under-workings of each vehicle out of glass as well. Said Page, “Above anything else, drivers need to be able to see the road clearly. That much glass in a car might sound dangerous, but studies show that the chances of an accident occurring are greatly reduced if the driver has his or her eyes on the road.”

Page failed to comment, but rumors are that Ford plans on adding this feature to three brand new models. They are the “Shatter,” a 2-door sport, the “Window,” a mini-van, and a crossover called the “Crack.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

CEO Switches Places with Homeless Man to Gain Existential Perspective, Dies

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Jeremy Vallin, CEO of the Larson, Allen & Larson Group, was found dead in an alleyway in Manhattan early yesterday morning after reportedly switching places with a vagrant in search of enlightenment. Cause of death is still being determined, though money withdrawal seems to be the most likely explanation.

Vallin took over LAL in 2005. Ever since a brush with bankruptcy during the recession in 2009, Vallin supposedly became interested in mysticism and existentialism, viewing the almost collapse of his company as a near-death experience. Under his new philosophies, Vallin encouraged LAL employees to live life to the fullest, connect with the spirits of nature, and don’t expect anymore Christmas bonuses since money isn’t important.

The homeless man with whom Vallin switched places calls himself “Jeremiah.” No one suspected Jeremiah, who spoke often of “government mind-control beams” and the time he hosted a potluck dinner with Jesus, since those are the sort of right-wing, fundamentalist ramblings of any number of CEOs.

Jeremiah admitted to the ruse when Vallin’s body was identified yesterday. He was found with nothing but the clothes on his back and a mere $6,730.65 in cash.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Marc Jacobs, Calvin Klein and Others to Design Stylish Facemasks for Ebola Fearful Fashionistas

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Many American companies are responding to the nation’s fear of Ebola. Among them are high-end fashion designers who aim to give their customers a chic peace of mind. Marc Jacobs is leading the campaign to bring fashionable facemasks to the American people who want to feel safe from the spread of Ebola without sacrificing their looks.

The masks will appear similar to the surgical masks worn during the 2003 SARS epidemic, only outfitted with labels and stylish patterns. Other fashion designers are jumping on the idea, going so far as adding elegant HAZMAT suits to their upcoming fashion lines.

To be clear, Ebola is not actually airborne as of right now, but the target market for the designers participating in this endeavor are the same people who pay hundreds of dollars for a handbag, so the masks should do pretty well.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Walmart to Replace Greeters with Drones

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This past weekend, Walmart spokesperson Patty Ellis announced the company’s plans to replace its Greeters with remotely-controlled drones. The proposition calls for a dozen unmanned aerial hovercraft to wait at the entrance of every store and inform customers of current promotions and sales.

“Drones are the next big thing,” said Ellis frankly. “Walmart has been trailing behind in the technology game, so it was either this or finish installing automatic doors in all of our stores.”

The drones will be operated by certified pilots in an off-site location, safe and far from any real customers. For many Greeters, this means unemployment.

“I’ve given my life to this job,” says Sheila Duncan, a life-long Walmart Greeter who died at her post twenty years ago before being revived by a customer who had just purchased a defibrillator. “Now I have to decide if I should leave my job or go back to drone school. No one should have to make that choice.”

Walmart is the fourth multi-billion dollar company that wishes to implement drones into its business, following Amazon, Google, and Facebook. Facebook has been using drone technology since its inception in 2004 in the form of its users.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Starbucks Again Honors Adorably Overweight Spice Girl with “Pumpkin Spice Latte”

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Starbucks has once again whipped out its traditional “Pumpkin Spice Latte” in honor of Melissa Bentley, the sixth member of the famous ‘90s British pop group “The Spice Girls,” who died around this time four years ago. Bentley was better known to her fans as “Pumpkin Spice,” a nickname given to her in light of her noticeably round figure and orange skin.

Bentley’s addition to the iconic musical group was a landmark in pop culture at the time, having joined on for her raw musical talent instead of her looks. Bentley was responsible for the non-lyrical portions of each song, vocally “beatboxing” every tone and percussive sound that wasn’t sung by the other Spice Girls. She was typically found just off stage during performances, hiding behind curtains as a result of her debilitating stage fright. Her fear of being seen is also why she doesn’t appear in any pictures with the rest of the group.

When The Spice Girls went on their “indefinite hiatus” in December of 2000, Bentley married into the Starbucks family. Many of the bizarre hit flavors that Starbucks has produced over the years were created by Bentley, who was known to often mix together as many foods as possible before consuming them. Her passing in late October of 2010 is still honored by the company, which, along with the rest of the Spice World, laments her tragic death of getting lost inside a pile of leaves.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.