Year: 2014

Ford Unveils Plans for Line of New Glass-Bottom Cars

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Ford spokeswoman Geraldine Page spoke today about the company’s plans to have at least three models of glass-bottom vehicles on the road by 2017. The initial announcement was made last month by the company’s CEO Harrison Ford, but not much was known about the project until Page spoke at a press conference this morning.

“Ford has always prided itself on bringing our customers safety and reliability,” said Page. “We have been on the frontline of innovation for decades and are proud to take this next step towards the future.”

The new feature will allow drivers to identify the things they run over as they’re running over them, as well as to help initiate conversation with passengers about how much the particular road they’re on is in need of repaving.

To make sure nothing gets in the way of the experience, Ford plans to make the under-workings of each vehicle out of glass as well. Said Page, “Above anything else, drivers need to be able to see the road clearly. That much glass in a car might sound dangerous, but studies show that the chances of an accident occurring are greatly reduced if the driver has his or her eyes on the road.”

Page failed to comment, but rumors are that Ford plans on adding this feature to three brand new models. They are the “Shatter,” a 2-door sport, the “Window,” a mini-van, and a crossover called the “Crack.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

CEO Switches Places with Homeless Man to Gain Existential Perspective, Dies

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Jeremy Vallin, CEO of the Larson, Allen & Larson Group, was found dead in an alleyway in Manhattan early yesterday morning after reportedly switching places with a vagrant in search of enlightenment. Cause of death is still being determined, though money withdrawal seems to be the most likely explanation.

Vallin took over LAL in 2005. Ever since a brush with bankruptcy during the recession in 2009, Vallin supposedly became interested in mysticism and existentialism, viewing the almost collapse of his company as a near-death experience. Under his new philosophies, Vallin encouraged LAL employees to live life to the fullest, connect with the spirits of nature, and don’t expect anymore Christmas bonuses since money isn’t important.

The homeless man with whom Vallin switched places calls himself “Jeremiah.” No one suspected Jeremiah, who spoke often of “government mind-control beams” and the time he hosted a potluck dinner with Jesus, since those are the sort of right-wing, fundamentalist ramblings of any number of CEOs.

Jeremiah admitted to the ruse when Vallin’s body was identified yesterday. He was found with nothing but the clothes on his back and a mere $6,730.65 in cash.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Arctic Shelf Voting to Secede from Polar Ice Cap

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A particular arctic shelf of the polar ice cap has been speaking out for independence in recent months. Much of the ice wants to become its own shelf while some of it doesn’t want the extra responsibility of supporting its own family of polar bears. To solve the issue, the polar ice cap is allowing the shelf to vote for its freedom next Tuesday.

The shelf’s struggle for independence has been a topic as early as the last ice age, or “Glacial Period,” three million years ago. At this time, the polar ice cap was on a conquest to absorb every nearby ice shelf, creating the fifth and final Polar Ice Empire.

But the PIE didn’t last long. A climate change treaty was signed and much of the PIE fell apart. This particular arctic shelf is one of the only remaining pieces.

If the proposition to secede passes, many believe it will mark the end of an era and a new climate change treaty will need to be signed. In a recent survey, much of the world said they would support a new climate era, while some of the globe is warming up to the idea.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Lesser-Known Halloween Traditions

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For many, Halloween means dressing up as their favorite fictional characters, watching scary movies and handing out candy to sweet-toothed youngsters. But the holiday has been around for a while and has moved between nations, so many of the classic Halloween traditions have lost their voice… and some have just started getting popular. Here is a list of some lesser-known Halloween traditions.

 

Often, ordinary women will dress down to appear their sluttiest, while nuns will dress down to appear as ordinary women.

Hitting anyone who uses the term “Spooktacular.”

Handing out eggs and toilet paper so youngsters can trick the houses with subpar candy.

Slathering lamb’s blood on your doorframe to ward off Death.

Children enjoy bobbing for apples, while adults enjoy bobbing for contraceptives.

On Halloween night, if you stand in front of a mirror with the lights off and say “Zachary Quinto” three times, the actor will appear behind you and steal your eyebrows.

Promoting diabetes.

Starting drunken brawls with any person also wearing your costume.

Recently, haunted hayrides are being overshadowed by the increasingly popular haunted Zipcar scene.

Giving trick-or-treaters a fright by handing out copies of Gary Busey films.

Completing the harvest.

Some like to hollow out pumpkins, but the truly spirited will make their jack-o-lanterns out of human heads.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Haunted Escalator Claims Another Victim

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The Central Valley Mall in Arken, Arizona, has been the site of a series of deaths that many believe to be perpetrated by a haunted escalator. The most recent death occurred last Saturday when Delia Santiago, a 46-year-old orthodontic receptionist, fell down the up escalator for 20 minutes.

The escalator, referred to by superstitious locals as the “Stairway to Hell,” has been considered haunted since 1981 when a mall patron suffered a heart attack on it after spotting a corduroy sale in a nearby OshKosh B’Gosh. Since then it’s been rumored that the spirits of the men and women who have died on the automatic staircase inadvertently trip the living while scrambling to finally reach the second floor.

Delia Santiago’s is the fifth death attributed to the Stairway to Hell. The escalator is located in the center of the mall between a Cinnabon, a Forever 21 and another Cinnabon.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Grave Robber Guiltily Reduces Self to Grave Loiterer

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Dalton Parsons, a Kentucky small-town creep and lifelong admirer of dead things, was recently struck by a bout of self-reproach over his morbid hobbies. Parsons frequently snuck into local cemeteries to exhume freshly dead corpses and remove any valuables that might have been buried along with the deceased, which for Parsons came with the added bonus of being able to look at a dead guy for some time.

Recently, however, Parsons has lost his appetite for the necrotic and has found pleasure in just hanging around graveyards for a bit. While still creepy, many are relieved by Parsons’ change in habit. Among them was Heaven’s Hill Cemetery caretaker Samuel Walsh.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Walsh, “it’s still super creepy. If I could prove anything I’d have that weirdo locked up for life. At least he’s not damaging anything now.”

Police won’t do anything about Parsons because it’s rumored that making eye contact with the deviant can cause one’s hair to fall out. For now, residents will have to hope that Parsons continues to keep to himself and ride out his sudden remorse to a place of normality.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Teens Disappointed After Night in Haunted House Goes as Expected

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A group of teenagers from Boston recently stayed in the “Bloody Shutter House,” a small mansion outside of the city that has been abandoned since a string of murders in the 1970s, and were greatly disappointed upon discovering the house’s urban legends turned out to be true.

The house was finished in 1897 and traded homeowners frequently in the 80 years before its indefinite foreclosure, with every owner going insane, committing suicide, or being murdered by a loved one. It’s said that if any group stays in the house overnight a week before Halloween, at least one person will die in it.

This is precisely what happened when six attractive teenagers decided to brave the infamous house last Saturday. Over the course of the night, the teens were picked off one by one by vengeful spirits and possessed peers. Though horrifying, none of them were moved by the ordeal since they all entered the house expecting this to happen.

Only two teens survived the incident. One of them, Brett Farley, star quarterback of the football team and Homecoming King contender, was responsible for the deaths of three of his friends that night and will likely live out his days in a sanitarium. The other survivor, Kelly Mitchell, a popular blonde cheerleader and widely regarded attention whore, was generally unimpressed by the incident.

“I mean it was kinda scary I guess,” said Kelly in an interview while she texted her backup friends. “When you know what’s gonna happen it’s not that scary though. Brett’s always been kind of a douche, I sorta figured he’d be the one to go crazy.”

Kelly returned to school on Monday, unshaken by the terrifying event. It’s rumored that another group of friends will try to stay in the Bloody Shutter House tonight, electing to bring Netflix-enabled devices in case the murders get too boring.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nation’s Ghosts Angered by Commercialization of Halloween

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The year’s Halloween spirit is threatened by a number of angry spirits – many American ghosts have been speaking out against the capitalization of Halloween. Specters across the nation are convinced that the holiday has more to do with candy sales than it does with scaring the living.

“It’s become an abomination,” says Winston Montgomery III, former owner of a Virginia mansion who was murdered in his bedroom in 1938 and haunts the grounds to this day. “Scaring people on Halloween night used to be a time-honored tradition that I looked forward to year after year. Now I can’t so much as move a utensil or appear in a mirror without a five-year-old dressed as a superhero or a princess showing up at the door every five minutes.”

Many ghosts and ghouls are blaming candy manufacturers for the change in the holiday’s traditions. Workers at chocolate factories and candy stores across the nation have been receiving death-threats all month long, which haven’t been taken seriously since the people making these threats are proof that death isn’t really a big deal.

The dead decided to make their plight public over the weekend by attempting to organize a march in Chicago, but this proved fruitless since most of them didn’t have legs.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Tips for Making Pictures of Your Newborn More Interesting

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The happiest moment of your dreams has come true – you’ve brought a new life into the world. Obviously you’re eager to share your excitement, but your friends, family and coworkers might not be as enthusiastic over children as you are. Here are some tips to make sure everyone enjoys photos of your newborn:

 

Take a photo of your child showing off his or her gun collection.

Make sure your baby isn’t sleeping as you’re taking the picture.

Replace your baby photo with a cat photo.

Mix things up by showing your child using a napkin.

Your baby will look better in each photo if he or she is surrounded by other babies who aren’t as cute.

Place your child on a predatory animal before taking each photo.

Post all your photos on Facebook instead of showing them directly to people so that they’re easier to ignore.

Join the rest of the 21st century and take a video.

Use Photoshop to make your baby look thinner and more attractive.

Take your baby photos when your child is actually doing something impressive, such as breaking a land speed record or solving a complex mathematical theorem.

Wait about 20 years.

Quit being a fascist and let your child take its own damn pictures.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Fire Department Desperately Tries to Remove James Cameron from Area Man’s Pool

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James Cameron, famous Hollywood filmmaker and oceanographer, launched a watery expedition on Tuesday into a Georgia man’s in-ground pool without the man’s permission. Cameron had intended for this latest endeavor to take place in the ocean, but chose a random person’s backyard pool upon realizing that he’s run out of ocean to explore.

Hank Driscol, the pool’s owner, discovered Cameron early Wednesday morning when Avatar director Cameron briefly came up for air. Driscol confronted Cameron, but the filmmaker refused to leave Driscol’s pool until he discovers a treasure of some sort. It was at this point that Driscol called emergency services.

One day later, the local fire department was unsuccessful in removing Cameron from the pool. Authorities first began trying to reason with Cameron, but could not come up with the awe and wonder of genuine discovery that the film director seeks. Authorities then threatened to drain the pool, but Cameron countered by threatening to recite lines from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Since then both parties have been in a stalemate, but it’s likely that Driscol and everyone else involved will just wait for Cameron to tucker himself out.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.