News

Facially Divided America Demands First Bearded President

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Facial discrimination reached a peak in Grove City, Louisiana over the weekend when riots erupted across the town. The riots began as peaceful protests but became militant when local police fired shaving foam cannons at the protesters to try and get them to disperse.

Oppression of the unkempt is not a new concept in the United States, and beard supporters like Garth Mellen, a custom shirt designer from Brooklyn, say that the next step for the nation is to elect a bearded president.

“The discrimination won’t end until we get our own people in the White House to watch out for us,” Mellen told us as he attempted to remove Dorito crumbs from his 3-incher. “We claim to live in a progressive society but I still see men with mustaches getting facial remarks as they walk down the street.

Some say that things are moving in the right direction, pointing to Democratic representative Brenda Longfellow (Vermont) who was voted into congress as the first bearded congresswoman in US history. Longfellow was elected on a platform of reduced government spending and increased taxation on all razors and sanitary wax.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Member of Friend Group Mistakenly Winds Up at Wrong TGI Friday’s, Becomes Joke of the Evening

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Darian Wynters, a 32 year old accountant from Massachusetts, received relentless scrutiny from his friends last night when he showed up for dinner at the incorrect TGI Friday’s. Darian spent much of the night and this morning trying to recover from the incident, completely certain that he’ll never live it down as long as he lives.

The confusion started when Tanya, a member of the friend group, posted in the group’s Facebook Messenger thread a few hours beforehand that she wanted to meet at the Friday’s on 5th instead of the one they usually frequent on Riverside Drive. This is because the one on 5th is closer to Tanya’s house and she didn’t want to leave her baby home with a sitter for too long. This struck controversy within the group, and the rest of the afternoon saw a heated debate on the thread over the pros and cons of switching venues.

Finally, Alex laid down the law with a group text that read “guys seroiusly im going to riverside join me if u want too,” which Darian did not receive because frequent weighing in on the Facebook conversation had drained the battery on his phone. He showed up at the one on 5th and waited for thirty-five minutes before trying Riverside, and found that he had missed out on most of the night.

The rest of the evening was spent making fun of Darian. Darian smiled and laughed along with his friends, but each crack at his mistake weakened his resolve. The ordeal was particularly embarrassing for Darian when he found out that in his absence, Alex had bonded with Christina’s friend Miranda, who has been the focus of Darian’s romantic hopes in recent weeks.

Earlier this morning, Darian called the police to report the incident but nobody took him seriously. He has begun writing a book about the shocking act of depravity, titled “Me, My Quesadilla Sampler and I: A Survival Story.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Toilet Rental Business Sweeps Nation

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With the success of Airbnb, opportunists and capitalists across the United States have sought to get into the rental business, and a new private company has emerged in recent months that satisfy this American dream of making money without doing much.

“Globojohn” is a website and social networking service that allows users to register their commodes for rental use to anyone seeking to relieve his or herself on the go. The service was established in August, and has so far been used over 4.1 million times.

The company was founded by Pennsylvania native Dennis Catano who got the idea while sitting on the can himself. Thinking that spending 40 minutes on the toilet daily was a poor investment, Catano began renting out his own toilet to neighbors and passing vagrants, casually inviting all he encountered to “plop a squat on his pot” sometime. His small business became a success largely because his home is located half a block from a Chipotle.

Catano opened up his business to other renters shortly afterwards, creating a website through which Americans can register their toilets and find a globojohn in their area. By becoming a member of the Globojohn website, users can build up “poop points” to earn discounts and rewards for future visits. Users of the site can also log on to their profiles to write reviews of globojohns they’ve visited, and rank them on a scale from 1 to 5 wipes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

99.9% of Germs Occupying Woman’s Stomach in Protest of the .1%

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An onslaught of diseases and bacteria have gathered within the stomach of Oregon resident Joan Ortega in protest of the .1% of germs that sanitizers and cleaning agents won’t wipe away. Joan became aware of the aggressive movement on Monday after a series of aggressive movements occurring within her own digestive tract over the weekend.

The “Occupy A Stomach” campaign is a grassroots organization that aims to bring to light the inequality between the .1% of germs that are too powerful to be kept at bay with traditional sanitizers, and the 99.9% that don’t have the opportunity to cling to people’s hands and other surfaces. The campaign has grown into a huge success due to the use of infections that have gone viral.

Joan’s stomach was chosen as the site for the protest because of her weak constitution. She has been attempting to subdue the protesters by hosing them down with broth and ginger ale, but so far this hasn’t discouraged the germs. The .1%, on the other hand, has not taken any action against the Occupy movement since most of those germs are presently killing Joan from the inside out.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Ford Unveils Plans for Line of New Glass-Bottom Cars

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Ford spokeswoman Geraldine Page spoke today about the company’s plans to have at least three models of glass-bottom vehicles on the road by 2017. The initial announcement was made last month by the company’s CEO Harrison Ford, but not much was known about the project until Page spoke at a press conference this morning.

“Ford has always prided itself on bringing our customers safety and reliability,” said Page. “We have been on the frontline of innovation for decades and are proud to take this next step towards the future.”

The new feature will allow drivers to identify the things they run over as they’re running over them, as well as to help initiate conversation with passengers about how much the particular road they’re on is in need of repaving.

To make sure nothing gets in the way of the experience, Ford plans to make the under-workings of each vehicle out of glass as well. Said Page, “Above anything else, drivers need to be able to see the road clearly. That much glass in a car might sound dangerous, but studies show that the chances of an accident occurring are greatly reduced if the driver has his or her eyes on the road.”

Page failed to comment, but rumors are that Ford plans on adding this feature to three brand new models. They are the “Shatter,” a 2-door sport, the “Window,” a mini-van, and a crossover called the “Crack.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

CEO Switches Places with Homeless Man to Gain Existential Perspective, Dies

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Jeremy Vallin, CEO of the Larson, Allen & Larson Group, was found dead in an alleyway in Manhattan early yesterday morning after reportedly switching places with a vagrant in search of enlightenment. Cause of death is still being determined, though money withdrawal seems to be the most likely explanation.

Vallin took over LAL in 2005. Ever since a brush with bankruptcy during the recession in 2009, Vallin supposedly became interested in mysticism and existentialism, viewing the almost collapse of his company as a near-death experience. Under his new philosophies, Vallin encouraged LAL employees to live life to the fullest, connect with the spirits of nature, and don’t expect anymore Christmas bonuses since money isn’t important.

The homeless man with whom Vallin switched places calls himself “Jeremiah.” No one suspected Jeremiah, who spoke often of “government mind-control beams” and the time he hosted a potluck dinner with Jesus, since those are the sort of right-wing, fundamentalist ramblings of any number of CEOs.

Jeremiah admitted to the ruse when Vallin’s body was identified yesterday. He was found with nothing but the clothes on his back and a mere $6,730.65 in cash.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Arctic Shelf Voting to Secede from Polar Ice Cap

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A particular arctic shelf of the polar ice cap has been speaking out for independence in recent months. Much of the ice wants to become its own shelf while some of it doesn’t want the extra responsibility of supporting its own family of polar bears. To solve the issue, the polar ice cap is allowing the shelf to vote for its freedom next Tuesday.

The shelf’s struggle for independence has been a topic as early as the last ice age, or “Glacial Period,” three million years ago. At this time, the polar ice cap was on a conquest to absorb every nearby ice shelf, creating the fifth and final Polar Ice Empire.

But the PIE didn’t last long. A climate change treaty was signed and much of the PIE fell apart. This particular arctic shelf is one of the only remaining pieces.

If the proposition to secede passes, many believe it will mark the end of an era and a new climate change treaty will need to be signed. In a recent survey, much of the world said they would support a new climate era, while some of the globe is warming up to the idea.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Haunted Escalator Claims Another Victim

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The Central Valley Mall in Arken, Arizona, has been the site of a series of deaths that many believe to be perpetrated by a haunted escalator. The most recent death occurred last Saturday when Delia Santiago, a 46-year-old orthodontic receptionist, fell down the up escalator for 20 minutes.

The escalator, referred to by superstitious locals as the “Stairway to Hell,” has been considered haunted since 1981 when a mall patron suffered a heart attack on it after spotting a corduroy sale in a nearby OshKosh B’Gosh. Since then it’s been rumored that the spirits of the men and women who have died on the automatic staircase inadvertently trip the living while scrambling to finally reach the second floor.

Delia Santiago’s is the fifth death attributed to the Stairway to Hell. The escalator is located in the center of the mall between a Cinnabon, a Forever 21 and another Cinnabon.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Grave Robber Guiltily Reduces Self to Grave Loiterer

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Dalton Parsons, a Kentucky small-town creep and lifelong admirer of dead things, was recently struck by a bout of self-reproach over his morbid hobbies. Parsons frequently snuck into local cemeteries to exhume freshly dead corpses and remove any valuables that might have been buried along with the deceased, which for Parsons came with the added bonus of being able to look at a dead guy for some time.

Recently, however, Parsons has lost his appetite for the necrotic and has found pleasure in just hanging around graveyards for a bit. While still creepy, many are relieved by Parsons’ change in habit. Among them was Heaven’s Hill Cemetery caretaker Samuel Walsh.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Walsh, “it’s still super creepy. If I could prove anything I’d have that weirdo locked up for life. At least he’s not damaging anything now.”

Police won’t do anything about Parsons because it’s rumored that making eye contact with the deviant can cause one’s hair to fall out. For now, residents will have to hope that Parsons continues to keep to himself and ride out his sudden remorse to a place of normality.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Teens Disappointed After Night in Haunted House Goes as Expected

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A group of teenagers from Boston recently stayed in the “Bloody Shutter House,” a small mansion outside of the city that has been abandoned since a string of murders in the 1970s, and were greatly disappointed upon discovering the house’s urban legends turned out to be true.

The house was finished in 1897 and traded homeowners frequently in the 80 years before its indefinite foreclosure, with every owner going insane, committing suicide, or being murdered by a loved one. It’s said that if any group stays in the house overnight a week before Halloween, at least one person will die in it.

This is precisely what happened when six attractive teenagers decided to brave the infamous house last Saturday. Over the course of the night, the teens were picked off one by one by vengeful spirits and possessed peers. Though horrifying, none of them were moved by the ordeal since they all entered the house expecting this to happen.

Only two teens survived the incident. One of them, Brett Farley, star quarterback of the football team and Homecoming King contender, was responsible for the deaths of three of his friends that night and will likely live out his days in a sanitarium. The other survivor, Kelly Mitchell, a popular blonde cheerleader and widely regarded attention whore, was generally unimpressed by the incident.

“I mean it was kinda scary I guess,” said Kelly in an interview while she texted her backup friends. “When you know what’s gonna happen it’s not that scary though. Brett’s always been kind of a douche, I sorta figured he’d be the one to go crazy.”

Kelly returned to school on Monday, unshaken by the terrifying event. It’s rumored that another group of friends will try to stay in the Bloody Shutter House tonight, electing to bring Netflix-enabled devices in case the murders get too boring.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.