Year: 2014

Local Bus Driver Caught Operating Normal-Size Car, License Suspended

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Emilio Oher, a 46-year-old school bus driver in Connecticut, was arrested yesterday evening after being pulled over for speeding in a ’97 Ford Taurus. Authorities impounded the vehicle and suspended Oher’s license upon discovering the man’s true profession.

Oher claims the vehicle belongs to him, but local police have their doubts since the car isn’t long and yellow. Officers have been trying to locate the Ford’s real owner, but so far no one has come forward. If convicted, this will be the third offense for Oher who was indicted twice before for similar offenses.

Of course the scandal has concerned many parents in the area, who wonder how such a deviant could be employed by the school system. At the behest of the parents, an investigation is underway to determine if any other drivers in the school district have ever driven ordinary-sized automobiles in the past.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Marc Jacobs, Calvin Klein and Others to Design Stylish Facemasks for Ebola Fearful Fashionistas

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Many American companies are responding to the nation’s fear of Ebola. Among them are high-end fashion designers who aim to give their customers a chic peace of mind. Marc Jacobs is leading the campaign to bring fashionable facemasks to the American people who want to feel safe from the spread of Ebola without sacrificing their looks.

The masks will appear similar to the surgical masks worn during the 2003 SARS epidemic, only outfitted with labels and stylish patterns. Other fashion designers are jumping on the idea, going so far as adding elegant HAZMAT suits to their upcoming fashion lines.

To be clear, Ebola is not actually airborne as of right now, but the target market for the designers participating in this endeavor are the same people who pay hundreds of dollars for a handbag, so the masks should do pretty well.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Walmart to Replace Greeters with Drones

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This past weekend, Walmart spokesperson Patty Ellis announced the company’s plans to replace its Greeters with remotely-controlled drones. The proposition calls for a dozen unmanned aerial hovercraft to wait at the entrance of every store and inform customers of current promotions and sales.

“Drones are the next big thing,” said Ellis frankly. “Walmart has been trailing behind in the technology game, so it was either this or finish installing automatic doors in all of our stores.”

The drones will be operated by certified pilots in an off-site location, safe and far from any real customers. For many Greeters, this means unemployment.

“I’ve given my life to this job,” says Sheila Duncan, a life-long Walmart Greeter who died at her post twenty years ago before being revived by a customer who had just purchased a defibrillator. “Now I have to decide if I should leave my job or go back to drone school. No one should have to make that choice.”

Walmart is the fourth multi-billion dollar company that wishes to implement drones into its business, following Amazon, Google, and Facebook. Facebook has been using drone technology since its inception in 2004 in the form of its users.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

19 Television Channels and What They Represent

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There are a number of good television shows this fall, but it can be difficult to tell if a show is worth your time. Often, you can tell what a show is like based on what network it airs on. Here is a guide to some of the more popular television networks and what you can expect from them.

 

NBC – Cult classics that get inexplicably cancelled.

ABC – The Disney Channel for grown ups.

CBS – Shows about young people as seen through the eyes of old people.

FOX – For those who have never been outside the United States.

The CW – Where monsters go to become attractive people.

Comedy Central – The official stoner network.

FX – What Comedy Central tries to be.

The Food Network – People you don’t like talking about food you might like.

OWN – Probably not for your demographic.

Bravo – Formerly a hub for operas and classical performances, currently a hub for other gay things.

History Channel – Aliens, swamps, and World War II.

TLC – The Learning Channel.

Disney Channel – ABC for children.

MTV – Teen dramas, nothing to do with music.

MTV2 – Reruns of teen dramas, little to do with music.

FXX – What?

AMC – Hosts all the shows your coworkers won’t shut up about.

HBO – Pornography, but with good story.

24-Hour Smooth Jazz Channel – Consistently the best thing on television.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Kim Kardashian Might Have Just Eaten Fruit

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Kim Kardashian, famous for being the only famous person who has no reason to be famous, was seen just moments ago biting into some sort of fruit. A team of nutritionists and food experts has gathered to determine exactly what fruit this might have been, though early reports speculate it to be a pomegranate.

This sudden alteration in Kim’s typical diet of lettuce, ice cubes and paper has frenzied Kardashiologists everywhere. Some believe that the reality show star was only trying to test its toughness, while others think this might be the beginning of a brand new Kim.

“Kim’s been going through a lot of changes since her marriage,” says Dawn Wilkes, a middle-aged woman who has been studying the starlet since giving up on herself. “Marriage changes a woman, and I know that from having read about it.”

In other news, pomegranate sales have spiked since this morning.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Starbucks Again Honors Adorably Overweight Spice Girl with “Pumpkin Spice Latte”

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Starbucks has once again whipped out its traditional “Pumpkin Spice Latte” in honor of Melissa Bentley, the sixth member of the famous ‘90s British pop group “The Spice Girls,” who died around this time four years ago. Bentley was better known to her fans as “Pumpkin Spice,” a nickname given to her in light of her noticeably round figure and orange skin.

Bentley’s addition to the iconic musical group was a landmark in pop culture at the time, having joined on for her raw musical talent instead of her looks. Bentley was responsible for the non-lyrical portions of each song, vocally “beatboxing” every tone and percussive sound that wasn’t sung by the other Spice Girls. She was typically found just off stage during performances, hiding behind curtains as a result of her debilitating stage fright. Her fear of being seen is also why she doesn’t appear in any pictures with the rest of the group.

When The Spice Girls went on their “indefinite hiatus” in December of 2000, Bentley married into the Starbucks family. Many of the bizarre hit flavors that Starbucks has produced over the years were created by Bentley, who was known to often mix together as many foods as possible before consuming them. Her passing in late October of 2010 is still honored by the company, which, along with the rest of the Spice World, laments her tragic death of getting lost inside a pile of leaves.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man Shamelessly Throws Back Entire Tube of M&M’s Minis in Public

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Area man Arthur Genero was seen in a Minnesota park last weekend, chugging a tube of M&M’s Minis as though it were a normal, daily routine. Fellow park-goers were shocked by Genero’s display of apathy towards his own self-image, and were quick to condemn the 45-year-old office jockey, who has clearly been letting himself go.

“It’s despicable what has become acceptable in our society,” said local elder Maureen Shanahan. “I used to take my granddaughters to that park every weekend. Now I don’t know what to do, I can’t imagine exposing them to such depravity.”

Word of the affair spread quickly in this small, unnamed Minnesota town, and Genero has been met with angered and confused looks ever since.

“I always knew there was something wrong with him,” says Jim Henkman, a coworker of Genero’s. “I think we all did. But no one thought he could be capable of this. No one.”

Genero refused to comment on the matter, which is good because I didn’t want to get a quote from him anyway. He’s revolting.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Pope to Lose Housing Privileges over Marijuana Possession

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Pope Francis was escorted from his home in the Domus Sanctae Marthae guesthouse late last night when Vatican police discovered marijuana under the papal bed. Police were tipped off by a variety of cardinals staying in the same building, who complained of strange odors coming from His Holiness’s room. Pope Francis denies having ever used the substance, claiming to have just been holding it for a friend.

“I don’t get what the big deal is,” said the Holy Father shortly after the ordeal. “Everyone else does it and it’s not even bad for you.”

This is the second strike for Pope Francis, who was denied access to the Apostolic Palace in 2013 after repeated noise violations during quiet hours.

“A board is being put together to decide what will happen to His Holiness,” said a spokesman for the Gendarmerie Corps of Vatican City. “We don’t know what his punishment will be, but one more offense and he may be suspended from the Vatican altogether.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories posted here should be taken seriously or literally.