Area Man’s Germ-Filled Mouth Most Diverse Place in Nation

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A heartwarming story of pathological disaster struck a small town in North Carolina today when it was discovered that Colin Fargus, a local auto-mechanic, has a mouth containing more foreign organisms than are present in one location anywhere else in the country. Colin’s mouth was officially declared the “most diverse area in the nation” by the doctor in charge of treating Colin.

“Seeing all these different forms of disease, parasites and fungi working together under one common goal, which is to kill Colin, really brings tears to my eyes,” says Dr. George Jiminez, “not just because of the smell, but because it’s like these organisms are working together in a way that humans never could. We could really learn a lot from them.”

Colin visited his local dentist’s office complaining of toothaches, headaches, fever, numbness in his extremities, lack of appetite, blindness, deafness, hallucinations, heart palpitations, abnormal hair growth, spontaneous combustion, homophobia and other debilitating symptoms. Colin’s dentist immediately notified the CDC after initial examination of Colin’s mouth, and he’s been in quarantine ever since.

While treatments for Colin’s various diseases are hastily being applied, many see the diversity of Colin’s mouth as something that should be celebrated in a nation fatally divided by matters of race, sex, gender, religion, and whether or not Mad Max: Fury Road deserved to be nominated for best picture.

“Colin’s mouth is a reflection of the melting pot that is this country,” said Dr. Jiminez. “If he dies in the next few hours, which is certainly possible, then he will surely die a hero.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of February 22nd, 2016

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Your weekly horoscope for February 22nd, 2016

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been looking for a fresh start and the opportunity will finally come this week when hackers completely empty your bank account.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): The best way to deal with your greatest weakness is to turn it into your greatest strength, unless your greatest weakness is that you’re racist, which if you are then forget you read this.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Early this week you might feel a little more closed-off than usual. I promise this quarantine will only last for as long as it takes to find a cure or for you to die, whichever comes first.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You will start off this week feeling highly motivated, but end this week losing your right hand to a debt collector.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): If you’re ever feeling unmotivated this week then reflect on the words of Abraham Lincoln, who said, “if you don’t put me on the fifty then I swear to God, I’m going to haunt the shit out of someone.”

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Always remember that good looks aren’t everything. Money is everything. But you don’t have that either so whatever.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Lately it feels like you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. Seriously, stop trying to hit on guys on death row.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Remember this week to put your best foot forward, then take your best foot out, then put your best foot forward and shake it all about.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): The mitochondrion is the powerhouse of the cell.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Someone close to you might start to inject some negativity into your life, although the words “negativity” and “heroin” are interchangeable in astrologese so it could be either of those.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): If you’re feeling like you want to lash out at someone then always remember the Golden Rule – if it was only in the urinal for 10 seconds, it’s safe to eat.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips for Successful Networking

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Networking skills are essential to getting ahead in the real world, but sometimes we don’t get the chance to learn them until it’s too late.  Here’s a list of tips that Circus Killer News’ expert networking team managed to come up with to help you meet the right people and know exactly what to say.

 

1. When meeting a potential employer, be sure to text, make phone calls, play mobile games, or anything else that make him or her think that you don’t really need the job.

2. Know where people in your field gather. If you’re trying to get into the business world, board a yacht. If you’re trying to get into entertainment, join a synagogue.

3. Have a strong social media presence, but don’t post anything illegal or incorrect or opinionated or insipid or entertaining.

4. Many people forget to keep a resume with them at all times. To avoid making this mistake, tattoo your CV to your chest.

5. Try constructing an android who can take your place and do all the networking stuff for you.

6. It’s important to make yourself heard. Keep a megaphone with you at all times.

7. Never break eye contact. People are more likely to remember you if you creep them out.

8. 90% of all communication is done through body language, so if you’re a gaseous entity or a disembodied consciousness from an ethereal plane then try extra hard to speak succinctly.

9. Do what you can to stand out from the crowd, like wear a suit made out of LED lights or aluminum foil or nothing at all.

10. Don’t forget that having large breasts is a skill.

11. When meeting someone important, use the word “synergy” at least ten times so he or she knows that you know what it means.

12. Follow up with contacts you’ve already made, even if that means emailing them every hour.

13. Always remember that it’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Subway Performer Wishes Child at Other Table Would Shut The Fuck Up

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Debra Cheron, a street performer who frequently plays percussion instruments in the New York City subway, really wishes the screaming child a few tables over would just shut the fuck up.

“Everyone’s just trying to mind their own business and we have to sit here listening to this loud, ridiculous noise? It’s unacceptable,” says Debra. “You should know better than to bring your cacophonous twerp to a public space.”

Debra continued to bring up other instances that she views as “noise violations.”

“Why do I have to listen to your phone conversation just because we’re sharing a bench at the park? Don’t I deserve some peace and quiet?”

Debra spends most of her weekends in the subway with an assortment of pots, pans, plastic boxes and other household objects that she can use as drums, banging away into a microphone and speaker so she can earn money to pay for marijuana.

“Don’t do construction if there’s people walking around,” continued Debra. “You should have the decency to power down your jackhammer or drill or whatever when you see someone walking towards you.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

New Evidence Suggests Jesus Not Legal US Citizen

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Dr. Dales Harkin, a professor of Jesus studies at Christian American University of Christ, announced today that the famed Son of God might not actually be a legal United States citizen. Dr. Harkin suggests that because the US had not yet formed at the time that Christ was alive, it is unlikely that any American presence existed in the Middle East during Jesus’ lifetime, so He could not have applied for a citizenship.

“We as Christians like to think that Jesus celebrated the American way of life,” said Dr. Harkin, “but the perfect lifestyle that we all know and love here in America probably did not exist in Jesus’ day.”

Many Christians suggest that Jesus might have simply used his powers to time travel to the United States and acquired a citizenship then, however Dr. Harkin argues against this theory.

“If the Savior teleported here,” he said, “then He traveled to this country illegally. If He was born here and then went back in time, He couldn’t have been the Savior since biblical prophecy clearly states that the Savior has to be born in Bethlehem. Any way you slice it, He couldn’t have possibly been a legal citizen.”

Dr. Harkin’s declaration has been met with outrage across the country. Many Americans know they should be intolerant of foreigners, especially foreigners from the Middle East.

“We don’t know how to deal with this paradox right now,” said Dr. Harkin, “nor do we understand how Jesus came to be the only white person in the Middle East at that time. All we can do is pray and hope that God will send the next one to Bethlehem, PA.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News Blog Contributors Killed by Terrorists

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Tragedy struck world-renown news blog Circus Killer News when its three contributors were kidnapped by terrorists last May. CKN lead reporter and editor-in-chief Jacob S. Wydra took his only two employees to an On The Border when the restaurant was taken over by a white power militia group who saw the Mexican food establishment as a threat to American values. Jacob recounts the terrifying events.

“I took them out to lunch because I wanted to fire them both,” he says, “and a public place seemed like a good idea because I didn’t think they would make a scene about it. Then out of nowhere these four guys in army camouflage stormed in with assault rifles shouting at the employees, telling everyone to get down and forcing us all to sing ‘America the Beautiful.’”

The occupation lasted days, and several attempts were made to retake the restaurant.

“One of our writers, Brittany von Beuren, slept with each of the terrorists at least half a dozen times. Sometimes all of them at once, sometimes in front of everyone. But it didn’t matter, they were relentless. They only let us eat if the cooks prepared food in the form of burgers instead of tacos or burritos.”

The other staff writer, John Francais Callahan, switched sides early on.

“Not only did he join them,” says Jacob, “but he convinced them to hold an election and made him their leader. John then had them outsource some of the occupation to a cheaper On the Border in China.”

Eventually the militiamen discovered that Jacob, Brittany and John were press, and after weeks of captivity the terrorists kidnapped the three reporters and brought them back to the trailer park and paintball arena in which the terrorists lived.

For months the bloggers were forced to live with the terrorists, each serving a specific function needed in their society. John again took helm as their leader, teaching the militiamen everything he knew about economics, capitalism and synergy. Brittany married and divorced eleven separate times, and Jacob became a human punching bag. Everything fell apart, however, when the terrorists learned that Jacob was “kinda Jewish.”

In a fit of panic, the terrorists executed Brittany and John for knowing someone Jewish. Jacob narrowly escaped the chaos only because it was part of the plot.

“I don’t know how I made it out of there, honestly,” he said. “All I know is that I never actually fired Brittany or John, and that will haunt me for as long as I give a shit.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of February 15th, 2015

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Your weekly horoscope for February 15th, 2016.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Lately it feels like you’ve fallen into a rut. This is probably because you are the reincarnation of a World War I soldier who died in the trenches.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Learning to love yourself can be the most difficult thing in the world. Unless you’re attractive or male or was born into money, then it’s pretty easy.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Yes, time heals all wounds. But that cut really looks infected so maybe try a hospital.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Mars passes through your constellation starting this week, so expect to transform into a lifeless red planet. That’s how this astrology stuff works, trust me. I’m an expert.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): It feels as though everything you do drives people away. If this really bugs you then maybe stop working for Uber.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You may be feeling like your coworkers have lost respect for you, however this is not true. They never had any.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Bravery means having the strength to keep moving, the wisdom to let go, and a motorcycle but no helmet.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You will have a test of faith this week when God appears to you in a dream and tells you He’s not real.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Don’t feel bad that no one is supporting your budding comedy career. It’s only because you’re not very good.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): If you don’t deal with your problems now then they’ll come back to haunt you forever. That’s not your horoscope, that’s just something I learned from this horror movie I saw where this guy cheated on his wife who then died and then she came back and started totally fucking his shit up, it was insane.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): There will be an explosion in your love life, which is really bad news if you’re happily married to someone who defuses bombs for a living.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): No, there shouldn’t be a White History Month.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Relationships Ruined After Names of M. Night Shyamalan Fan Site Users are Leaked

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Sixth Sense Signs, the internet’s biggest M. Night Shyamalan fan site, had its users’ names leaked earlier this week shortly after being hacked. Users of the site report that the leak has taken a toll on their personal relationships.

“My wife and I are definitely fighting a lot more,” said SSS user Geoffrey Yuzna. “Sixth Sense Signs was a place for myself and other Shyamalfans to meet and talk about the movies with love. Now I’m faced with constant judgment from my wife and my peers who don’t understand that one man cannot be satisfied with the predictable plotlines of any other Hollywood filmmaker.”

Many individuals were shocked to discover that their friends and family members had such secretive poor taste in movies, while others view the leak as the final push they needed to burn bridges with those people.

“I always suspected that my girlfriend might have been one of these people,” said Chelsea Flannigan who recently broke up with her long-time partner and SSS site user. “She would say things like ‘The Devil isn’t that bad, or that people would’ve liked ‘The Last Airbender’ more if it wasn’t so hyped up. I mean, differences in opinion are fine, but belonging to a site like this? That’s an insult to me.”

No hacker group has yet come forward to claim responsibility for the leak, but users of the site were quick to believe that plants and trees might be accountable.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of August 31st, 2015

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Your weekly horoscope for August 31st, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Life gives you the tools, you’re the one who has to use them. That’s why gun control is a farce.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Except when it’s raining. Or when it’s overcast. Or nighttime. Actually fuck it, forget clouds, they’re assholes.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): I mean, I’d say it’s herpes but I’m not a doctor.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Yes, I’m excited about Hillary too, but posting about her every 5 goddamn minutes is a little too much, okay?

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): I’m sensing that you’re in a lot of spiritual distress. Take some Pepto-Bismol.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Only a stupid man would marry you just for your looks and not your personality. Fortunately all men are stupid so just exercise a little and you’ll be fine.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): There’s nothing the stars can help you with that your good friends Ben & Jerry can’t fix.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Try to understand another person’s perspective before you judge them. Well, except Hitler. You can totally judge Hitler.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Things are looking up for the first time in months! Wait… no, I’m sorry, I read that wrong. It’s “throwing up.” The stars say, “things are throwing up for the first time in months.” Weird, huh? Hmm… maybe don’t check out that Japanese/Polish fusion restaurant that just opened up.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Own your life and good things will come. Lease your life and you’ll turn a pretty nice profit.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): If someone is offering to wipe away your credit card debt then they are lying to you. I don’t care who they are or how much you trust them. It’s a scam.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Relax, honey! Being “barren” isn’t that bad. After all, you’ll never be able to birth the anti-Christ, right?

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Forced to Wait 40 Goddamn Minutes for Haircut

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Local office worker Donald McMillan was tragically inconvenienced yesterday afternoon when he was forced to wait in a forty minute line just to get a goddamn haircut. Supercuts was the first of many stops that Donald had planned to make after work, but the unusually long wait time forced those plans to be changed.

“I didn’t even have time to stop at a supermarket to get dinner, so I had to resort to fast food,” said Donald. “I mean, I don’t mind fast food at all, but this is the second night in a row now, you know?”

An investigation is underway to determine the cause of the delay, but experts speculate that if Shauna and Gina hadn’t both called in sick, the wait time might have been shortened to fifteen, or even ten minutes.

“What really doesn’t add up about this case,” said renowned haircutologist Dr. Brooke Jenkinsen, “is that Shauna asked to take yesterday off two weeks ago and was denied. And Gina has been flakey ever since she learned that her husband died in Afghanistan. This is going to be a pretty lengthy investigation.”

No news yet on whether or not this scandal will affect Supercuts and its parent company Outstandinghaircuttersanddressers in any lasting way.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.