Month: November 2014

The 13 Weirdest Things About Our Solar System

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One star and nine planets may seem like the typical cluster of objects that make up a solar system, but nothing in the cosmos is without its strangeness. Here is a list of some of the more recognizable objects in the night sky with some of the facts that make them unique.

 

Sun – A massive ball of ionized gas that took our planet’s place as the center of our solar system in 1543.

Mercury – The closest planet to the Sun. As its name suggests, Mercury is primarily made up of poisonous, liquid metal.

Venus – By far the hottest planet in our solar system, Venus gets hit on more frequently than any other celestial body.

Earth – The only planet that still has religions.

Moon – The Earth’s natural satellite. To this day scientists have no idea how it got there, though the most widely accepted theory is werewolves.

Mars – Mars is a shy planet, often embarrassed by its red bumpy surface. It’s tried everything from Proactive to alcohol wipes but nothing seems to do the trick.

Asteroid Belt – Located between Mars and Jupiter, the odds of successful navigating it are 3,720 to 1.

Jupiter – The largest planet in our solar system. It has a “Great Red Spot” where some wine spilled about 600 million years ago.

Galilean Moons – Four planet-sized moons that orbit Jupiter, each possessing unique geological properties. Their names are Groucho, Harpo, Chico and Zeppo.

Saturn – Also known as the “Mob Wife” planet for its extravagant and unnecessary rings, Saturn makes one revolution around the Sun every Saturday.

Uranus – Uranus has 27 moons.

Neptune – Either the seventh or eighth planet, Neptune spends as much time in space as it does in the ocean.

Pluto – Planet when it needs to be, player when it wants to be.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Teen Unshaken Upon Discovering Extent of Father’s Racism

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Jeremy Unger, a 16-year-old Michigan teen, reported today that he is finally coming to terms with his father’s racism, but also that he’s “totally fine with it.”

Jeremy says he’s noticed the signs for a while, he just didn’t recognize them. Often he would take note of his father’s offhanded, passive-aggressive insults towards waiters, electricians and other service people, but Jeremy realized recently that his father would never make these remarks towards white people.

When his suspicions arose, Jeremy approached several people who were close to his father, Thomas Unger. Several of Thomas’s work friends, Jeremy found, had come to the same conclusion, and in fact the stories that Jeremy gathered on his father’s workplace mannerisms would suggest that Thomas Unger is also sexist and anti-Semitic. Jeremy approached his father’s brother Dylan Unger, who when asked if he suspected that Thomas might be a racist, said, “no shit.”

In the last week, Jeremy has decided that he’s completely comfortable with this new information about his father. “Well yeah, it’s kinda weird,” says Jeremy, “but I mean lots of people do worse things. And it’s not like my dad would try to hurt anyone or something.” When asked if he himself was a racist, Jeremy replied with a resounding, “I don’t know, maybe.”

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Facially Divided America Demands First Bearded President

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Facial discrimination reached a peak in Grove City, Louisiana over the weekend when riots erupted across the town. The riots began as peaceful protests but became militant when local police fired shaving foam cannons at the protesters to try and get them to disperse.

Oppression of the unkempt is not a new concept in the United States, and beard supporters like Garth Mellen, a custom shirt designer from Brooklyn, say that the next step for the nation is to elect a bearded president.

“The discrimination won’t end until we get our own people in the White House to watch out for us,” Mellen told us as he attempted to remove Dorito crumbs from his 3-incher. “We claim to live in a progressive society but I still see men with mustaches getting facial remarks as they walk down the street.

Some say that things are moving in the right direction, pointing to Democratic representative Brenda Longfellow (Vermont) who was voted into congress as the first bearded congresswoman in US history. Longfellow was elected on a platform of reduced government spending and increased taxation on all razors and sanitary wax.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Member of Friend Group Mistakenly Winds Up at Wrong TGI Friday’s, Becomes Joke of the Evening

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Darian Wynters, a 32 year old accountant from Massachusetts, received relentless scrutiny from his friends last night when he showed up for dinner at the incorrect TGI Friday’s. Darian spent much of the night and this morning trying to recover from the incident, completely certain that he’ll never live it down as long as he lives.

The confusion started when Tanya, a member of the friend group, posted in the group’s Facebook Messenger thread a few hours beforehand that she wanted to meet at the Friday’s on 5th instead of the one they usually frequent on Riverside Drive. This is because the one on 5th is closer to Tanya’s house and she didn’t want to leave her baby home with a sitter for too long. This struck controversy within the group, and the rest of the afternoon saw a heated debate on the thread over the pros and cons of switching venues.

Finally, Alex laid down the law with a group text that read “guys seroiusly im going to riverside join me if u want too,” which Darian did not receive because frequent weighing in on the Facebook conversation had drained the battery on his phone. He showed up at the one on 5th and waited for thirty-five minutes before trying Riverside, and found that he had missed out on most of the night.

The rest of the evening was spent making fun of Darian. Darian smiled and laughed along with his friends, but each crack at his mistake weakened his resolve. The ordeal was particularly embarrassing for Darian when he found out that in his absence, Alex had bonded with Christina’s friend Miranda, who has been the focus of Darian’s romantic hopes in recent weeks.

Earlier this morning, Darian called the police to report the incident but nobody took him seriously. He has begun writing a book about the shocking act of depravity, titled “Me, My Quesadilla Sampler and I: A Survival Story.”

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Toilet Rental Business Sweeps Nation

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With the success of Airbnb, opportunists and capitalists across the United States have sought to get into the rental business, and a new private company has emerged in recent months that satisfy this American dream of making money without doing much.

“Globojohn” is a website and social networking service that allows users to register their commodes for rental use to anyone seeking to relieve his or herself on the go. The service was established in August, and has so far been used over 4.1 million times.

The company was founded by Pennsylvania native Dennis Catano who got the idea while sitting on the can himself. Thinking that spending 40 minutes on the toilet daily was a poor investment, Catano began renting out his own toilet to neighbors and passing vagrants, casually inviting all he encountered to “plop a squat on his pot” sometime. His small business became a success largely because his home is located half a block from a Chipotle.

Catano opened up his business to other renters shortly afterwards, creating a website through which Americans can register their toilets and find a globojohn in their area. By becoming a member of the Globojohn website, users can build up “poop points” to earn discounts and rewards for future visits. Users of the site can also log on to their profiles to write reviews of globojohns they’ve visited, and rank them on a scale from 1 to 5 wipes.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

9 Facts About the Human Body

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The human body is an amazing machine with millions of components and actions that keep us all alive. But how exactly does it function? What are the little quirks and strange happenings that keep the body ticking? Here is a list of a few bizarre things about humans that may surprise you.

 

Contrary to popular belief, human beings actually don’t need oxygen to survive. Most just breathe because it’s cool.

There are 6 bones in the human body. They are the head bone, the arm bones, the leg bones and the hipbone.

Human beings are naturally buoyant because their skin is made out of the same light material as sand. This is why you will dissolve if you stay in a pool for too long.

If you took all the nerves in the human body and stretched them out from end to end, you would be a psychopath.

The average human being generates enough energy to power one 60-watt light bulb, whereas Jack Black generates enough energy to power the city of Chicago.

Zits, warts and other blemishes are physical manifestations of sin.

You can often determine the size of a man’s sexual organ by asking what kind of car he drives.

Human beings can develop immunities to diseases they’ve already contracted, so it’s wise to contract as many diseases as possible.

There’s no actual healthy number of calories one can intake daily. The amount of calories you should eat depends on the size of your body and your amount of self-esteem.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

99.9% of Germs Occupying Woman’s Stomach in Protest of the .1%

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An onslaught of diseases and bacteria have gathered within the stomach of Oregon resident Joan Ortega in protest of the .1% of germs that sanitizers and cleaning agents won’t wipe away. Joan became aware of the aggressive movement on Monday after a series of aggressive movements occurring within her own digestive tract over the weekend.

The “Occupy A Stomach” campaign is a grassroots organization that aims to bring to light the inequality between the .1% of germs that are too powerful to be kept at bay with traditional sanitizers, and the 99.9% that don’t have the opportunity to cling to people’s hands and other surfaces. The campaign has grown into a huge success due to the use of infections that have gone viral.

Joan’s stomach was chosen as the site for the protest because of her weak constitution. She has been attempting to subdue the protesters by hosing them down with broth and ginger ale, but so far this hasn’t discouraged the germs. The .1%, on the other hand, has not taken any action against the Occupy movement since most of those germs are presently killing Joan from the inside out.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Ford Unveils Plans for Line of New Glass-Bottom Cars

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Ford spokeswoman Geraldine Page spoke today about the company’s plans to have at least three models of glass-bottom vehicles on the road by 2017. The initial announcement was made last month by the company’s CEO Harrison Ford, but not much was known about the project until Page spoke at a press conference this morning.

“Ford has always prided itself on bringing our customers safety and reliability,” said Page. “We have been on the frontline of innovation for decades and are proud to take this next step towards the future.”

The new feature will allow drivers to identify the things they run over as they’re running over them, as well as to help initiate conversation with passengers about how much the particular road they’re on is in need of repaving.

To make sure nothing gets in the way of the experience, Ford plans to make the under-workings of each vehicle out of glass as well. Said Page, “Above anything else, drivers need to be able to see the road clearly. That much glass in a car might sound dangerous, but studies show that the chances of an accident occurring are greatly reduced if the driver has his or her eyes on the road.”

Page failed to comment, but rumors are that Ford plans on adding this feature to three brand new models. They are the “Shatter,” a 2-door sport, the “Window,” a mini-van, and a crossover called the “Crack.”

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

CEO Switches Places with Homeless Man to Gain Existential Perspective, Dies

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Jeremy Vallin, CEO of the Larson, Allen & Larson Group, was found dead in an alleyway in Manhattan early yesterday morning after reportedly switching places with a vagrant in search of enlightenment. Cause of death is still being determined, though money withdrawal seems to be the most likely explanation.

Vallin took over LAL in 2005. Ever since a brush with bankruptcy during the recession in 2009, Vallin supposedly became interested in mysticism and existentialism, viewing the almost collapse of his company as a near-death experience. Under his new philosophies, Vallin encouraged LAL employees to live life to the fullest, connect with the spirits of nature, and don’t expect anymore Christmas bonuses since money isn’t important.

The homeless man with whom Vallin switched places calls himself “Jeremiah.” No one suspected Jeremiah, who spoke often of “government mind-control beams” and the time he hosted a potluck dinner with Jesus, since those are the sort of right-wing, fundamentalist ramblings of any number of CEOs.

Jeremiah admitted to the ruse when Vallin’s body was identified yesterday. He was found with nothing but the clothes on his back and a mere $6,730.65 in cash.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Arctic Shelf Voting to Secede from Polar Ice Cap

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A particular arctic shelf of the polar ice cap has been speaking out for independence in recent months. Much of the ice wants to become its own shelf while some of it doesn’t want the extra responsibility of supporting its own family of polar bears. To solve the issue, the polar ice cap is allowing the shelf to vote for its freedom next Tuesday.

The shelf’s struggle for independence has been a topic as early as the last ice age, or “Glacial Period,” three million years ago. At this time, the polar ice cap was on a conquest to absorb every nearby ice shelf, creating the fifth and final Polar Ice Empire.

But the PIE didn’t last long. A climate change treaty was signed and much of the PIE fell apart. This particular arctic shelf is one of the only remaining pieces.

If the proposition to secede passes, many believe it will mark the end of an era and a new climate change treaty will need to be signed. In a recent survey, much of the world said they would support a new climate era, while some of the globe is warming up to the idea.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.