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Former NASA Analyst Claims to Have Seen Intelligent Life on Earth

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Deb Burns, a retired geologist and extraterrestrial topography expert, has come forward with claims that she observed intelligent life on the planet Earth during her time working with NASA in the 1970s. Burns claims she witnessed these intelligent beings using their vastly superior knowledge to put other beings on the Moon, as well as use advanced technological devices to probe other regions of the solar system.

“I know it sounds insane,” said Burns, “but I know what I saw. There were teams of men and women using their minds to discover, explore and learn about the world around them. And all of this was happening on Earth.”

Burns says she saw this intelligence a number of times while studying photographs of Mars sent back from the Mariner 9 space probe, as well as images of Venus sent back from Mariner 10.

Other scientists have come forward with similar claims that seem to verify Burns’ statements. According to Hank Buckman, a physicist who helped design some of NASA’s probes, there was an “organization of intelligent minds” existing on Earth as late as the 1990s, which he says he witnessed despite having never worked directly with Burns.

NASA hasn’t yet commented on the matter and the US government has refused to release photos of Earth that might verify the claims. Conspiracy theorists across the nation, however, have become fascinated with the idea.

“Well yeah, of course there’s intelligent life on Earth,” says author and conspiracy theorist Woody Fairbrother who has written books about beings from Earth landing on the Moon. “I’m not sure what happened to it but I know for certain it was there.”

Earth’s apparent lack of intelligence now is an obstacle that many conspiracy theorists like Fairbrother struggle with, but Fairbrother and Burns herself haven’t lost hope.

“Maybe someday it’ll resurface,” Burns said. “I hope it does. Earth is facing a lot of global crises right now and the intervention of intelligent beings would go a long way.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man Can’t Put Off Haircut Any Longer

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Arthur Mannigan of Blofeld, Virginia, determined this morning that he can’t put off getting a haircut any longer. Arthur initially decided to try and wake up early on Saturday morning to get to Supercuts before the weekend rush. Reflecting on how busy Supercuts is on Saturdays, however, Arthur thought to instead just call in sick tomorrow.

Arthur’s last haircut was at the end of September, and it has since grown longer than he usually wears it. This hadn’t bothered him until his friends and coworkers began verbalizing their opinions of his hair a few weeks ago. The decision to get it cut was officially made this morning when a Starbucks barista mistook Arthur for a woman.

Additionally, Arthur’s wife Carrie has been nagging him to get a haircut for nearly a month now, but Carrie nags about everything so Arthur just sort of tuned it out.

Since the decision, Arthur has been reminding himself all day to place his Supercuts punch card in his wallet when he gets home since he’s only two away from a free haircut. He’s written reminders to himself about the card on his phone, full well knowing that he’s probably going to forget it anyway. Arthur has also been trying to recall the name of the stylist who last worked on him so that he can request her because out of every other stylist there, she talks the least.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Forlorn Scientist Accidentally Makes Self Invisible Unless in Presence of Naked or Undressing Women

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Dr. Bartholomew Zimm met tragedy two weeks ago when one of his science experiments went horribly wrong. As a result of the accident, Zimm is now completely invisible and can only be detected by the human eye when he observes attractive women who are unclothed or disrobing.

Dr. Zimm was attempting to design a new cloaking mechanism when the accident took place. The device was to work by inserting an object into a large capsule and throwing a series of switches and levers on a console matrix. The object was then supposed to appear in a second capsule; only light waves would now pass through the object instead of bouncing off of it, creating the effect of invisibility.

Other scientists have assessed that the tragic error occurred when Zimm accidentally fell into the first capsule, bumping into a remote control that started the invis-o-matrix sequencing, and forgetting he had left a cache of pornographic material in the second capsule. Minutes later, Zimm emerged with his new affliction.

Zimm has been spotted in a number of women’s dressing rooms and locker rooms across the Bay Area over the last two weeks. Reportedly, Dr. Zimm has been using such opportunities to attempt to communicate with the only people who can see him, but these windows are short since everyone he has appeared to usually shrieks and quickly dresses before Zimm can get out anything other than, “Wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean t-”

Zimm’s colleagues may have found a way to reverse the accident, but not without the remote control that Dr. Zimm bumped into during his transformation. Zimm might be stuck this way for a while, then, since the remote is invisible as well and he can’t find it.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Cop Lets Off Serial Killer with a Warning

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Todd Hammond, a notorious serial killer who has been preying on women in the suburbs of Minneapolis, was finally caught yesterday by police officer Dennis Abernathy.  Abernathy, however, let Hammond go with a warning.

“I’ll let it slide this time,” Abernathy reportedly said.  “But don’t let me catch you doing this again or you will be in serious trouble.”

Todd Hammond was known as “The Butterfly Man” by authorities for always leaving butterfly wings near his victims. Hammond had been eluding Minnesota state detectives for months before the FBI was called in to lead the investigation in October.  The game of cat-and-mouse that ensued was interrupted this morning when Officer Abernathy pulled Hammond over for a faulty brake light and discovered dismembered body parts in his trunk and a jar of butterfly wings in his rear seat.

Hammond pleaded with Abernathy for half a minute before the officer decided to let the killer go.  Abernathy was later questioned by the federal agents leading the investigation.

“Bringing in a serial killer, there’s a lot of paperwork to fill out,” Abernathy said during his questioning.  “Usually we don’t step up our game on this sort of thing until the end of the month anyway, that’s when we’re worried about making our quota on psychopath arrests.”

Abernathy says he isn’t sure where Hammond was heading, though it’s in Hammond’s MO to leave his victims dismembered and in a public area.  If anyone in the Twin Cities region spots anything suspicious, report it at the end of the month.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Bad Driver Claims He’s Been Faking This Whole Time

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Tom Clemens, an accountant from Chesterfeild, North Carolina, gave a statement today saying that he truthfully is a good driver, he’s just been pretending to be a poor driver to help make actual poor drivers feel a little better.

Tom initially came out to Chelsea Redmond, a coworker, when the two were chatting at a party being held by another coworker and mutual friend. “It’s a 30 minute drive from my house to the office,” said Tom, “but I can usually do it in under 20. I’m a pretty good driver.” When Chelsea asked Tom what he meant, Tom continued, “Well like when I was in high school, me and my buddies would race all the time and I’d usually win. About eight out of ten times I’d say, maybe nine.”

“That’s so weird,” Chelsea responded. “The word around the office is that you’re a terrible driver.”

Tom then laughed and attempted to correct Chelsea. “No, no that’s… I don’t know who would say that. That isn’t true.”

“So you’re not a bad driver? I feel like I’ve talked to people who’ve seen you drive and-”

“I mean I pretend sometimes,” Tom interrupted. “Like to make other drivers feel better about themselves, you know? Like I don’t want bad drivers to feel like they’re the only bad drivers out there.”

“Oh, okay,” said Chelsea as she looked down at her feet and took another sip of her drink.

A few hours later, Tom was confronted by Raphael Olson, another coworker to whom Chelsea is close. “Hey Tom! Chelsea says you think you’re some hot shit out on the highway,” Raphael reportedly said.

Tom chuckled, saying, “Oh, well, I’m certainly qualified to handle a motor vehicle, that’s for sure.”

“You wanna prove it?” asked Raphael.

“Nah that’s, it’s fine,” Tom responded. “I mean I don’t even have my car with me anyway.”

“What was that car I saw you drive here in, then?”

“That car?” said Tom, “Oh that car… that is a rental. Yeah that’s not my car, I can’t drive it home. Because it… because I’m like, too drunk, you know?”

Since Tom’s announcement, many people across the nation who are infamous in their respective friend groups for being poor drivers have come forward with similar claims. Some say they’ve been pretending so as to keep other drivers on their toes, while others say they just wanted to fit in with everyone else on the road.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 15 Best Black Friday Deals of 2014

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Many Americans have been shopping since yesterday afternoon to take advantage of those irresistible Black Friday deals. To make things a little easier, Circus Killer went ahead and found the best savings out there to make your shopping experience as efficient as possible. Here are the 15 best deals we could find.

 

1. Item: Apple iWatch (preorder).
Price: 10% off when trading in $300.00
Available at: The Apple store

2. Item: Summer dresses.
Price: 70% off
Available at: JCPenney

3. Item: Human kidney (2 for 1).
Price: $69.99
Available on: Amazon

4. Item: Cleats for trampling fellow shoppers.
Price: Free
Available at: All Walmart entryways.

5. Item: Leftover turkey.
Price: $16.99
Available at: ShopRite

6. Item: Deepest sinful desires.
Price: Your eternal soul.
Available at: Any demonic summoning.

7. Item: About three dozen diseases.
Price: For leaving your home.
Available at: All shopping malls.

8. Item: Fondle-Me-Freddie™ (with specially included fingly ticklers).
Price: $29.95
Available at: Everywhere toys are sold.

9. Item: Brand new Ford F-150
Price: $40
Available at: Select Midwestern dealerships.

10. Item: Red Ryder carbine-action two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
Price: $10.99
Available in: 1946

11. Item: Basic Instinct on VHS video.
Price: $0.45
Available at: MovieStop

12. Item: Jar of children’s teeth.
Price: $42.11
Available on: Craigslist

13. Item: Plans to the Death Star.
Price: The lives of countless Bothan spies.
Available on: Yavin IV.

14. Item: Medium-sized Korean family.
Price: $299.99
Available at: Target

15: Item: Good, wholesome Christian values.
Price: Free
Available: Everywhere since the Lord is within all of us.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Wife Officially Closes Down Kitchen Borders

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Tensions reached an all-time high for the Malcolm family this morning when family matriarch Wendy Malcolm closed down all passageways in and out of the kitchen. The move stunned the rest of the Malcolm family, who feel that the unprovoked declaration was unjust and is a step in the wrong direction.

Peace in the Malcolm family seemed reachable earlier this week when everyone gathered to celebrate Thanksgiving, but things began falling apart after passive-aggressive arguments over who would go shopping and small altercations between family members of differing political ideologies. Now, many of the Malcolm’s have lost their faith in a dream of a stress-free Thanksgiving.

“It was preemptive and uncalled for,” said Wendy’s brother-in-law Tobias Malcolm. “I get that it’s her house and I respect that, but she’s going about this the wrong way.”

Wendy soon retracted her declaration and released a revised statement that only women were allowed in the kitchen. This further angered the men of the house who now must operate through their wives, mothers and daughters for access to beer. This, according to Tobias and his fellow men, completely defeats the point of daytime drinking.

Within the last hour, Wendy tacked on a clause stating that men were allowed in the kitchen so long as they promised to help out with the cooking in some fashion. The outrage from the men has since died down.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Idiot Nephew Admits Fondness of Second Star Wars Trilogy

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Eight-year-old Martin Browning reportedly told family members that he actually enjoyed the second Star Wars trilogy after arriving at his aunt and uncle’s house for Thanksgiving yesterday night. The news shocked hosts Lindsey and Paul Lefkowitz who have concluded that their nephew must be a simpleton.

“I can’t believe my own sister would raise her child so misguidedly,” said Lindsey. “The problem has to be with Martin. I remember he’s never been too bright.”

Lindsey was particularly concerned knowing that Martin would be spending a lot of time with her four-year-old son Daniel.

“I won’t have my son playing with him,” Lindsey continued, “until that boy understands the error of his ways and turns from them.”

Paul, meanwhile, blames Martin’s parents for raising him in the wrong environment. “The school they send Martin to doesn’t even teach about the Force,” said Paul. “It’s no wonder the kid’s been led astray.”

Lindsey and Paul have promised each other not to bring it up to Martin or his parents directly, feeling that it’s not their place to say. Instead, the two will meditate on it and hope that Martin finds his path on his own.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Family Just Now Learning Son’s Girlfriend of 3 Months is Black

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The Falkes family of Stone Brook, Indiana, was shocked to discover that son Jason Falkes’ girlfriend is an African American.  The family found out when Jason brought his girlfriend Elana home last night for Thanksgiving.

The family was quick to accept Jason’s girlfriend, only expressing behind closed doors how strange they thought it was for Jason to have never mentioned Elana’s race.  “I’m not saying I have an issue with it,” said Robert Falkes, Jason’s father.  “I just don’t understand why he’s never brought this up before. It’s something I would’ve liked to know.”

Jason and Elana made it home in time for the Falkes family’s weekly “Monday Movie Night,” which was uncomfortable for everyone since the movie they had scheduled was Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.

“I guess I shouldn’t be thinking so much of it,” said Hannah Falkes, Jason’s mother.  “I know we raised Jason not to see color, it’s just not what I was picturing.”

This morning Hannah emailed all who would be joining the Falkes family for Thanksgiving about Elana so that everyone else could have fair warning.  Hannah’s brother Mitch, however, is unreachable since he doesn’t know how to operate a computer, and Mitch is the relative who Hannah is most worried about.  Mitch often spends Thanksgiving complaining about immigrants, President Obama and how it’s unfair that “those people get a whole Friday to themselves.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Relatives Warded Off by News of “Dry Thanksgiving”

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Over half a dozen relatives from the Elkins family changed their Thanksgiving plans when Loraine Elkins, host of this year’s Thanksgiving dinner, announced in a mass email last Friday that there would be no alcohol allowed during the holiday.  The news came as a shock to the rest of the Elkins family since drinking has been described as the family’s pastime.

Donald Elkins, Loraine’s brother-in-law, was upset by the new mandate.  “I don’t know who she thinks she is,” said Donald, “but everyone agrees with me that it’s unacceptable.  Samuel Adams himself used beer to help the Pilgrims bond with the Indians, that’s a fact.  She’s declared a war on Thanksgiving.”

Other family members remain confused about the email, including Loraine’s own husband Rick Elkins.  “I don’t get what’s such a big deal about alcohol,” Rick told us, slurring his words and waving around a pitcher of Jack Daniels at 9:45 in the morning.  “It’s a disgrace to Thanksgiving, it’s a disgrace to America, and also I can’t get it up anymore.”

Also offended was Loraine’s father-in-law, Jed Elkins, who received the email in his hospital room where he was being treated for cirrhosis of the liver.  “This is how it starts,” said Elkins.  “First they take away your booze, then they take away your sports, and before you know it she’s taking your kids.  If ever there was a time to flee, it’s now.”

Loraine Elkins has yet to follow up on her original email, but it seems likely that she will be spending this Thanksgiving alone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.