News

10 Travel Tips for the Holiday

circuskiller Factual Friday, Holidays, Thanksgiving, Travel , , , ,

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is the busiest travel day of the year.  Before you head across the country to spend time with the relatives you never see, take a look at these travel tips to help you get to your destination quickly and safely.

 

Leave about an hour before you think you have to.  This way you’ll only be three hours late.

Surgically enlarge your bladder before departing.

Rest stops will constantly be packed so make sure you bring enough food for the trip, or enough munitions to loot fellow commuters mid transit.

Plan on having your Thanksgiving via Skype if traffic gets too bad.

If you’re flying, purchase three or four backup tickets on other flights for when something goes wrong with the first one.

Make sure to bring fully charged electronic entertainment with you so that if you’re travelling with family you can completely ignore each other easily.

Before leaving, passive-aggressively bring up how weird it is that your family never hosts Thanksgiving at your house.

Try taking out a bank loan to pay for gas.

Keep in mind that complaining about poor drivers will turn them into better drivers.

If you’re planning on going through Buffalo, don’t.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

GOP Funded Study Links Same Sex Marriage to Fire and Brimstone

circuskiller News, Politics , , , , , , ,

A GOP funded study was released yesterday that scientifically analyzes the correlation between the acceptance of same sex marriage and signs of the End Times.  According to the study, the more homosexuality “bleeds” into a society, the further that society and the entire world will descend into the chaos depicted in the Book of Revelations.

“The results [of this study] are clear,” says Republican representative Don Cahill, one of the leading supporters of the bill that redirected NASA’s funds to make way for this research.  “For example, we all know that there are fires in California all the time.  California is full of the gays.  Is that coincidence?  I don’t think so.”

The research was conducted over the past three years by a team of specially selected scientists whose work has been describe by Cahill as “rewriting the book on science,” which he means very literally since they’ve had to change the definition of science in order to pass off their work as such.

“People tell me that societies have gotten along fine with homosexuality,” Cahill continued, “They tell me to look at the Greeks.  Well I have and their economy is somehow worse than our own.  I don’t know what else you people need.”

Many Americans have spoken out against the study, claiming it shouldn’t be taken seriously and is unscientific.  The study’s supporters rebutted by accusing the opposition of being arrogant science-deniers, which everyone in Washington agreed was a pretty interesting change.

No word yet on how this new information might affect the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on same sex marriage, though political analysts are predicting it could somehow lead to a government shut down, which will probably be Obama’s fault.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Rite Aid Announces New Sales Plan to “Just Give Shit Away”

circuskiller Business, News , , , ,

Rite Aid CEO Gary Badgett announced his bold new sales plan this morning to start giving out everything in his stores for free.

“The truth is,” said Badgett in a press conference, “we don’t want any of this shit and I’m sick of looking at it. Do you really think any of us at Rite Aid need those plastic beach buckets in the mesh nets that we keep in between the sandals and the non-electric toothbrushes? Of course not, it’s the middle of November. So just take the damn stuff.”

Badgett claims he’s been trying to get rid of everything in his pharmacies for several years now, but for some reason people just aren’t taking the bait.

“I was in one of my stores the other day,” Badgett continued, “and saw a book section. Literally a book section. The aisle was labeled ‘historical fiction.’ Things wouldn’t have gotten this way if you people just took my advice from the beginning and cleaned this place out.”

Despite Badgett’s plea, many Rite Aid customers refuse to have any part in the deal. When offered the chance to leave the store without paying for their items, most shrugged off the opportunity, saying, “no thanks, I don’t come here that often anyway.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Artsy Burglar Compelled to Rearrange Unorganized Home

circuskiller Fashion, Local News, News , , , ,

A family in Washington State was surprised to come home from their Disney Land vacation over the weekend and find their house broken into and de-cluttered. The burglar, Mitchell Mathesen, was caught early this morning and claimed he felt obligated to give the family a home makeover upon seeing the messy state the home was in.

“The feng shui was way off.” Mathesen said in his confession to the police. “I don’t understand how anyone could live like that. How could they possibly entertain guests on good conscience?”

Mathesen had intended to steal jewelry, cash and whatever valuable electronics he could carry. Shortly after breaking into the Walsch’s home, however, he abandoned his original goal and made redecorating his “project of the day.”

The Walsch family, meanwhile, are trying to treat the break-in positively. “I don’t think I like what he did with the furniture arrangement in the living room,” said mother Cheryl Walsch, “but the kids’ bedrooms have never looked nicer. I haven’t seen their clothes folded and put away so neatly in years.”

Mathesen could face up to 8 years in prison for breaking & entering and styling under the influence.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Just Now Taking Down Last Year’s Christmas Decorations

circuskiller Christmas, Holidays, Local News, News , , , , , , ,

Richard Murano, a 42-year-old architectural consultant in Harfolk, Delaware, has finally gotten around to removing his Christmas decorations from the previous year.

Richard reports that there were many reasons for the 11-month delay, which was verified by members of the Murano household who often heard Richard remark how it was “too cold out,” or how his “work pants needed to be cleaned first.”

The husband and father of three’s apparent refusal to shed his home of yuletide spirit was met with confusion by his neighbors. Many assumed the Muranos were just more religious than was originally believed, whereas others thought that Richard was confused himself, thinking that Richard believed Christmas lasted 12 months and not 12 days. The rest of the Murano family learned to embrace their new surroundings – this past October they hosted the most holly jolly Halloween party in recorded history.

Richard finally began to dismantle the lights on his house and nativity scene in his front yard over the weekend. He claims to have finally found some time to do so because baseball is over and his boycott of the NFL since the Ray Rice scandal is still going strong.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Teen Unshaken Upon Discovering Extent of Father’s Racism

circuskiller Local News, News , , , ,

Jeremy Unger, a 16-year-old Michigan teen, reported today that he is finally coming to terms with his father’s racism, but also that he’s “totally fine with it.”

Jeremy says he’s noticed the signs for a while, he just didn’t recognize them. Often he would take note of his father’s offhanded, passive-aggressive insults towards waiters, electricians and other service people, but Jeremy realized recently that his father would never make these remarks towards white people.

When his suspicions arose, Jeremy approached several people who were close to his father, Thomas Unger. Several of Thomas’s work friends, Jeremy found, had come to the same conclusion, and in fact the stories that Jeremy gathered on his father’s workplace mannerisms would suggest that Thomas Unger is also sexist and anti-Semitic. Jeremy approached his father’s brother Dylan Unger, who when asked if he suspected that Thomas might be a racist, said, “no shit.”

In the last week, Jeremy has decided that he’s completely comfortable with this new information about his father. “Well yeah, it’s kinda weird,” says Jeremy, “but I mean lots of people do worse things. And it’s not like my dad would try to hurt anyone or something.” When asked if he himself was a racist, Jeremy replied with a resounding, “I don’t know, maybe.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Facially Divided America Demands First Bearded President

circuskiller Local News, News, Politics , , , , , , ,

Facial discrimination reached a peak in Grove City, Louisiana over the weekend when riots erupted across the town. The riots began as peaceful protests but became militant when local police fired shaving foam cannons at the protesters to try and get them to disperse.

Oppression of the unkempt is not a new concept in the United States, and beard supporters like Garth Mellen, a custom shirt designer from Brooklyn, say that the next step for the nation is to elect a bearded president.

“The discrimination won’t end until we get our own people in the White House to watch out for us,” Mellen told us as he attempted to remove Dorito crumbs from his 3-incher. “We claim to live in a progressive society but I still see men with mustaches getting facial remarks as they walk down the street.

Some say that things are moving in the right direction, pointing to Democratic representative Brenda Longfellow (Vermont) who was voted into congress as the first bearded congresswoman in US history. Longfellow was elected on a platform of reduced government spending and increased taxation on all razors and sanitary wax.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Member of Friend Group Mistakenly Winds Up at Wrong TGI Friday’s, Becomes Joke of the Evening

circuskiller Local News, News , , ,

Darian Wynters, a 32 year old accountant from Massachusetts, received relentless scrutiny from his friends last night when he showed up for dinner at the incorrect TGI Friday’s. Darian spent much of the night and this morning trying to recover from the incident, completely certain that he’ll never live it down as long as he lives.

The confusion started when Tanya, a member of the friend group, posted in the group’s Facebook Messenger thread a few hours beforehand that she wanted to meet at the Friday’s on 5th instead of the one they usually frequent on Riverside Drive. This is because the one on 5th is closer to Tanya’s house and she didn’t want to leave her baby home with a sitter for too long. This struck controversy within the group, and the rest of the afternoon saw a heated debate on the thread over the pros and cons of switching venues.

Finally, Alex laid down the law with a group text that read “guys seroiusly im going to riverside join me if u want too,” which Darian did not receive because frequent weighing in on the Facebook conversation had drained the battery on his phone. He showed up at the one on 5th and waited for thirty-five minutes before trying Riverside, and found that he had missed out on most of the night.

The rest of the evening was spent making fun of Darian. Darian smiled and laughed along with his friends, but each crack at his mistake weakened his resolve. The ordeal was particularly embarrassing for Darian when he found out that in his absence, Alex had bonded with Christina’s friend Miranda, who has been the focus of Darian’s romantic hopes in recent weeks.

Earlier this morning, Darian called the police to report the incident but nobody took him seriously. He has begun writing a book about the shocking act of depravity, titled “Me, My Quesadilla Sampler and I: A Survival Story.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Toilet Rental Business Sweeps Nation

circuskiller Business, Local News, News , , ,

With the success of Airbnb, opportunists and capitalists across the United States have sought to get into the rental business, and a new private company has emerged in recent months that satisfy this American dream of making money without doing much.

“Globojohn” is a website and social networking service that allows users to register their commodes for rental use to anyone seeking to relieve his or herself on the go. The service was established in August, and has so far been used over 4.1 million times.

The company was founded by Pennsylvania native Dennis Catano who got the idea while sitting on the can himself. Thinking that spending 40 minutes on the toilet daily was a poor investment, Catano began renting out his own toilet to neighbors and passing vagrants, casually inviting all he encountered to “plop a squat on his pot” sometime. His small business became a success largely because his home is located half a block from a Chipotle.

Catano opened up his business to other renters shortly afterwards, creating a website through which Americans can register their toilets and find a globojohn in their area. By becoming a member of the Globojohn website, users can build up “poop points” to earn discounts and rewards for future visits. Users of the site can also log on to their profiles to write reviews of globojohns they’ve visited, and rank them on a scale from 1 to 5 wipes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

9 Facts About the Human Body

circuskiller Factual Friday, Health , , ,

The human body is an amazing machine with millions of components and actions that keep us all alive. But how exactly does it function? What are the little quirks and strange happenings that keep the body ticking? Here is a list of a few bizarre things about humans that may surprise you.

 

Contrary to popular belief, human beings actually don’t need oxygen to survive. Most just breathe because it’s cool.

There are 6 bones in the human body. They are the head bone, the arm bones, the leg bones and the hipbone.

Human beings are naturally buoyant because their skin is made out of the same light material as sand. This is why you will dissolve if you stay in a pool for too long.

If you took all the nerves in the human body and stretched them out from end to end, you would be a psychopath.

The average human being generates enough energy to power one 60-watt light bulb, whereas Jack Black generates enough energy to power the city of Chicago.

Zits, warts and other blemishes are physical manifestations of sin.

You can often determine the size of a man’s sexual organ by asking what kind of car he drives.

Human beings can develop immunities to diseases they’ve already contracted, so it’s wise to contract as many diseases as possible.

There’s no actual healthy number of calories one can intake daily. The amount of calories you should eat depends on the size of your body and your amount of self-esteem.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.