America

News Blog Contributors Killed by Terrorists

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Tragedy struck world-renown news blog Circus Killer News when its three contributors were kidnapped by terrorists last May. CKN lead reporter and editor-in-chief Jacob S. Wydra took his only two employees to an On The Border when the restaurant was taken over by a white power militia group who saw the Mexican food establishment as a threat to American values. Jacob recounts the terrifying events.

“I took them out to lunch because I wanted to fire them both,” he says, “and a public place seemed like a good idea because I didn’t think they would make a scene about it. Then out of nowhere these four guys in army camouflage stormed in with assault rifles shouting at the employees, telling everyone to get down and forcing us all to sing ‘America the Beautiful.’”

The occupation lasted days, and several attempts were made to retake the restaurant.

“One of our writers, Brittany von Beuren, slept with each of the terrorists at least half a dozen times. Sometimes all of them at once, sometimes in front of everyone. But it didn’t matter, they were relentless. They only let us eat if the cooks prepared food in the form of burgers instead of tacos or burritos.”

The other staff writer, John Francais Callahan, switched sides early on.

“Not only did he join them,” says Jacob, “but he convinced them to hold an election and made him their leader. John then had them outsource some of the occupation to a cheaper On the Border in China.”

Eventually the militiamen discovered that Jacob, Brittany and John were press, and after weeks of captivity the terrorists kidnapped the three reporters and brought them back to the trailer park and paintball arena in which the terrorists lived.

For months the bloggers were forced to live with the terrorists, each serving a specific function needed in their society. John again took helm as their leader, teaching the militiamen everything he knew about economics, capitalism and synergy. Brittany married and divorced eleven separate times, and Jacob became a human punching bag. Everything fell apart, however, when the terrorists learned that Jacob was “kinda Jewish.”

In a fit of panic, the terrorists executed Brittany and John for knowing someone Jewish. Jacob narrowly escaped the chaos only because it was part of the plot.

“I don’t know how I made it out of there, honestly,” he said. “All I know is that I never actually fired Brittany or John, and that will haunt me for as long as I give a shit.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News From the Future #07

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. December 15th, 2662 – Solar Fracking May Cause Instability Within Sun, New Study Suggests

The Solar Protective Energy Committee of Terra Relations released a report on Tuesday that suggests solar fracking might be dangerous to the sun. Solar fracking became prominent when it was clear that the sun was not putting out enough energy to keep up with human consumption ever since “solar power” became the most widely used method of acquiring energy once fossil fuels ran out centuries ago. Solar fracking is the process by which chemicals are drilled into the sun’s core to increase the rate of nuclear fusion, thereby producing more sunlight. According to the report, solar fracking could potentially create worse solar storms and deadly amounts of radiation, but that sounds like a problem for the future, so whatever.

 

2. February 4th, 2104 – Baseball Seasons Now to Last 55 Weeks

MLB president James L. Haywood announced today that every season of baseball would be extended by four weeks, bringing the total number of weeks up to 55. Haywood said each new season of baseball would begin approximately three weeks before the previous season ends, so there will be a short overlap between the end of the previous season and the start of a new one. This is of course how the seasons will be from now on without playoffs. The playoff season will continue to last three years like it does currently.

 

3. August 17th, 59,971 – Racial Unrest Persists in America

Racial unrest continues to ravage the United States, despite it now being nearly 60,000 years since slavery was abolished. Occupational analysts have noticed a sharp uptick in professional rioters in the last few years, most likely due to the recent acceptance of Fandallarians as a race capable of acquiring a US citizenship. Many professional rioters and peaceful protestors alike have been in the business for generations, so the protesting industry has been as much a part of American heritage as tobacco pie (which of course replaced apple pie when apples went extinct some 40,000 years ago).

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Sit Successfully

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My name is John Francais Callahan. I was the only person at my school to be awarded Most Handsome, Most Successful and Most Hair all at once and as a freshman. I maintain this blog so that lesser men like you can have a glimpse at what it means to be truly magnificent.

Most men only sit down because it’s comfortable or they’re too tired to stand. I sit because it’s a power play. Sitting shows other men in the room that you aren’t worth their time. It shows them that you don’t need your feet to be in control, and if done properly, can open up no less than 31 sexual positions you’ve never heard of because most of them are illegal in the United States. Today, I shall go over the secrets of a successful sit.

 

1. Posture. Men and women can both sense power by the erectness of a man’s stance, and this applies to sitting just as much as it does to standing. Your feet should be firm on the floor, knees at a 90º angle. At no point should you ever fidget or cross your legs. Men who do this are nervous and likely hiding something, like a debilitating addiction or an attachment to someone with an embarrassing genetic illness.

Always make sure your back is upright and your shoulders are wide and broad. This is a tactic often used in the animal kingdom. Male peacocks will show off their feathers to intimidate inferior peacocks, bears will stand up on their hind legs to appear taller, and giraffes will perform cartwheels while lighting nearby buildings on fire. Every animal has their means of intimidation. For men, this lies primarily in the shoulders, chest and groin region. When you sit, it should be in a way that accentuates those areas of your body.

 

2. Movement. It is critical to maintain composure at all times, which means as little movement as possible. It does not matter if you learn that the senator’s son you loaned one of your yachts to has just crashed it or if a black person has just been elected president. You have to remain as calm and sensible as possible. Control indicates power. I once sat through an ordeal as gruesome as watching Dick Cheney have the steam engine that powers him replaced without wincing or turning away, and it’s housed in a part of his body that should be covered at all times and looks as sickening as what his soul probably looks like.

 

This concludes this week’s edition of “How to Succeed.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Theme Restaurant Opens for Parents who Miss their Kids

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A new theme restaurant called “Yungins” has opened up in Illinois designed specifically for parents who miss their children while out on a date away from them. The interior of the restaurant is designed to mirror that of a home with toddlers, complete with paint and crayons smeared on the walls, plastic toys strewn about the establishment, and numerous refrigerators with scribbled drawings of animals and relatives attached with magnets acquired during vacations.

“It just gives you such a homey feeling,” said Beth Wellerman, a stay-at-home mom of three. “We always talk about going out and getting away from the kids but you really start to miss all this cluttered, pointless shit everywhere.”

The restaurant is also fashioned with hidden speakers that constantly play the sounds of children yelling, whining and crying in order to complete the ambiance.

“We want to give parents the feeling that they’re with their children, even when they’re not,” says restaurant owner and founder Melissa Grossman. “Most parents will say that they want a break from their kids, but our restaurant gives those parents an opportunity to face their mistakes head on.”

Yungins’ complete menu consists solely of gourmet chicken tenders, grilled cheese and pizza. Only soda is served and an ice cream sundae for desert is mandatory.

“I’m not at all surprised by how well we’re doing,” continued Melissa. “And it’s such a fun, simple little concept, too. Really the only hard part is keepin’ all the perverts away.”

Yungins also welcomes adults who aren’t parents to stop inside and take a look at the nightmare they can spend the rest of their lives narrowly avoiding.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Eat Successfully (Part 3)

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My name is John Francais Callahan. I’ve participated in human trafficking on multiple yachts owned by three different Bush’s. I write to you, the weaker, lesser man, with a few rules to follow that could help you become better than whatever you’re trying to be now.

Recently I have been going over the subject of how to eat successfully. First, I instructed how a real man orders his food. Then I informed you how to properly engage in meal-worthy conversation. This week I conclude my eating tutorial with the final and least important part of the eating process.

 

3. Eating. Within five minutes of your food being set down on the table in front of you, send it back. Sending back your food is a power play that reminds everyone at the table that you are in charge and that both the serving staff and kitchen staff are beneath you. Occasionally there are times when sending your meal back once isn’t enough, so be prepared to do this multiple times. You know you are dining with powerful, knowledgeable men when everyone at the table sends their meal back four, five, even six times before anyone takes a bite.

I will not discuss the mechanics of eating because this is something you should have mastered by the time you were six, unless you are a natural success like myself who mastered eating by the time I was two weeks old. There are things to keep in mind while eating, however, which will make the difference between an ordinary man and a successful man.

Posture is important. Sit up straight throughout the entire course of the meal. An erect state always suggests power but it is also easier to keep your food down if there still happen to be pieces of buckshot in it. It is only acceptable to eat while reclining if you are dining with a Jew or a woman with whom you have already had intercourse, although ideally you would never see such a woman in public again.

Your arms should be down with your elbows at a 50º angle, your feet firmly planted on the ground, and your manhood encroaching into your right pant leg. Your eyes should always be fixed on the person with whom you are conversing at any given moment. At no point should you look at your meal except for the first cut into the meat you are eating to make sure it is as red as Donald Trump’s face before his creamer administers his whitening cream.

Additionally, never belch or hiccup. The only things that should leave a man’s body are excrement and diamonds you may have swallowed during one of Warren Buffett’s rare mineral tastings. Although napkins are designed to wipe excess food crumbs from your mouth and hands, no successful, self-respecting man should use one unless you plan on offering it to a female companion once she starts crying due to her femininity.

 

This concludes my instructions on how to eat successfully. I will continue this column with another tutorial next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Eat Successfully (Part 2)

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My name is John Francais Callahan. I’m a member of three of the four secret societies that have already determined who the next five US presidents will be. As part of my lesser accomplishments, I am maintaining an advice column here on Circus Killer News to teach weak men like you the secrets of success.

Last week I began to discuss how to eat successfully, but only got as far as step one: ordering. Right now I will continue with the next step in the successful eating process.

 

2. Conversation. This will likely its own chapter in the “How to Succeed” series so I will not be too detailed with this step. Rather, I will mostly go over which conversational topics are common with certain meals, and which topics you should avoid.

Of the 23 meals every man should eat in a week (breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of the week plus Sunday Brunch and Wednesday Power Brunch), no less than 15 of those meals should be reserved for making business deals. Men have made deals over food since ancient nomadic cavemen traded their rocks, wives and other possessions for larger portions of dinosaur meat. It is in these instances that conversations over food, much like any business deal, are lingual battles of dominance and power the intensity of which rivals that of World War II.

For non-business meals, your conversations should still be lingual battles of dominance and power because that is what all conversations are, only the intensity in these cases can rival one of those lesser wars like Korea or the one against drugs. Make sure everyone in your party knows that you are the head of the table and the conversational leader by frequently interrupting people, changing the subject to an opinion you can defend, and making toasts to congratulate people in a move of ownership and emasculation. All of these things will keep the ball in your court, or rather your field if you happen to be white.

There is a finite amount of approved conversational topics for all three meals throughout the day. Death is a good subject to discuss over breakfast, for example, because reminding yourself and those around you about the fate of the weak is a way to both respectfully commemorate and justifiably condemn the fodder upon which your greatness is built. In fact, “break” is derived from the Latin word “barack” which means “the lesser ones.”

Lunch is generally reserved for more upbeat conversations, such as how well you performed in last weekend’s yacht race or the death of the middle class. Lunch is also a good time to deliver joyous news to be celebrated over dinner, such as announcing your daughter’s arranged engagement to the prominent son of a politician who’s on your payroll or your recent acquisition of the skeleton of the first horse in space.

Lastly there’s dinner, the most important meal of the day. Part of its importance is that any flirtatious activities that occur during supper are 86% more effective due primarily to the way that candles remind women of penises. There should always be women present at dinner, and ideally one woman for every two men because sex only counts when you have taken the woman of an inferior man. With her you should discuss money, cleaning products, Theodore Roosevelt, really anything that will get her in the mood. If she isn’t at least thinking about doing hand stuff to you by the time your entrée of steak and hers of lettuce and ice cubes have arrived, you’ve probably done something wrong.

 

That’s all for this week. I will continue my converage of successful eating next Friday. Until then, be better than what you are now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #05

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 12th, 2019 – Zombies March in Livingston in Protest of New Mississippi Law

Four hours ago, a horde of zombies began marching through the streets of Livingston, Mississippi, in protest of the state’s new “Armed Survivors” law that allows civilians to shoot any living dead they come across. Since their initial rise eight months ago, the nation’s zombies have been constantly threatened, hunted and denied the rights of living citizens. The protest appears to be a bad move on the part of the zombies as dozens of civilians and armed service people alike have met at the site of the protest to begin picking off the horde of the restless one by one. Still, many are saying that this might become the longest protest in history because in the last four hours the zombies have only made it five feet.

 

2. January 27th, 2036 – Global Rise in Sea Levels Must Mean Second Biblical Flood, America’s Leaders Say

Sea levels around the world have risen an average of 40 feet in the last 20 years, causing many US public officials to declare that a second biblical flood is upon us. Several representatives of Congress agree that recent trends such as the acceptance of homosexuality, “allowing more Hispanics in politics,” and jean shorts, have angered God enough to send another flood to Earth and cleanse the world of such sins. Congress recently approved the construction of an ark massive enough to hold half of the nation’s congressman, along with their families, mistresses and top three favorite lobbyists, to be finished in exactly five years.

 

3. January 28th, 2041 – US Government Sees Most Productive Day in US History

It was confirmed at 7:30pm EST tonight that the US government held its most productive day in the history of the nation, with congress passing more laws and writing more bills today than have been passed or written in the last five years. With the vast majority of the country’s senior elected officials refusing to run in the previous election and choosing instead to wait aboard a massive $56 billion wooden ship, America’s new, youngest-ever batch of congressmen and women managed to cut the deficit in half, create 6 million more jobs and start a series of environmental programs which scientists estimate will normalize the planet’s climate and recede the world’s sea levels by 2044, most of whom while wearing stylish new jean shorts from today’s hottest gay Hispanic designers.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Disgusting Teen Refuses to Floss

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Family and friends of Tennessee teenager Armand Watkins were distraught upon discovering that the 19-year-old Kmart box boy has never flossed in his life.

“I just don’t see the point,” Armand reportedly told his family last week. “Unless I’m eating popcorn or beef or something, I really don’t feel anything getting stuck between my teeth. And even then it falls out eventually, so what’s the point?”

Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam quarantined Armand after hearing about the teenager’s sickening habits, worried that they might spread to other parts of the state.

“We want to stop this problem before it becomes a major epidemic,” Governor Haslam told reporters during a press conference early this morning. “Not only will Armand’s breath become a major public health issue, but if we stand by and do nothing then Armand’s ideologies might spread faster than the foul odor within his mouth.”

The CDC has reportedly been trying to teach Armand how to floss and why it’s important, but so far he has been uncooperative.

Meanwhile, Armand’s family and friends can’t get over the fact that he has been neglecting his hygienic responsibilities for so long without them realizing.

“He seemed like everyone else,” said one of Armand’s high school friends. “He came to school like everyone else, joined clubs like everyone else, ate the things that everyone else ate. It shocks me to think that something like this could be happening right under my friend’s nose.”

“It is important that people know,” said Armand’s mother, “that our family does not condone this sort of behavior. We are as shocked as anyone that our son could be capable of something so heinous and we hope his actions don’t reflect poorly on his fellow white Tennesseans.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How to Eat Successfully

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My name is John Francais Callahan. By the time you finish reading this sentence I’ll have made enough money to buy everything you own out from under you. Instead of destroying you, however, I offer my wisdom on becoming a wealthy, successful and powerful man so that I can create more powerful enemies to destroy at a later date.

Today I will be addressing the topic of eating. Most people know how to do it, unless of course they’ve forgotten due to irreparable brain damage from a horse archery accident like the daughter of one of my billionaire coworkers, but few people know how to do it successfully. Eating correctly is a valuable skill to have because most business deals take place either over meals or during illegal yacht parties in international waters where nude models typically serve food anyway.

Here are some things to keep in mind while eating.

 

1. Ordering. First of all, no meal should ever be eaten in your home. A home cooked meal is for children and immigrants who can’t afford takeout. All of your meals should be eaten in restaurants, on airplanes or off of a blond hooker’s body if you happen to be entertaining some Japanese businessmen in your office.

Your waitress, like most serving staff, should be female. This is for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that their bodies are simply built better for carrying things. But there is a passive, subconscious sexual tango between myself and every waitress who serves me, and it starts with ordering.

Start by ordering the most expensive bottle of brown liquor the establishment has. This will impress everyone in your immediate area and it’s what successful men deserve. If you’re in a restaurant that doesn’t serve any brown liquor then let someone else order for you. I’m not going to pretend I know anything about feminine drinks like wine or water, and even though letting someone else order for you could be misconstrued as a sacrifice of power, it’s always inappropriate to lie unless you’re discussing your income with the IRS.

Next you have to order food. Your entrée needs to have meat, and there are only two kinds of meat you’re allowed to eat – beef, or anything you have hunted and killed personally. Often you will be prompted to order a soup or salad with your meal. Never order salad. Vegetables are just food for actual food, at no point should they pass your lips. Additionally, appetizers are only appropriate if at least one other person in your party is also ordering one. It is imperative, however, that you never “split” or “share” an appetizer. Sharing is a sign of weakness and liberalism, and neither of those things have a place at the table.

 

I will continue this next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How to Drive Successfully (Part 2)

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My name is John Francais Callahan. I have enough money on hand right at this moment to buy your home, your wife and your reputation out from under you. Instead, I maintain this advice column on Circus Killer News and tell you how to live your life successfully so that someday when we cross paths and I must use your failed existence as a rung to ascend the ladder of excellence, I can do so knowing that I’ve beaten a worthy competitor.

Last week I began to discuss successful driving, however my temper got the better of me. I’m not ashamed to admit that because temper is a sign of power and because I was born without shame glands. In the last week, however, I was able to redirect that anger both constructively and sexually, so I am well enough to continue now.

 

3. Signaling. The purpose of signaling is to show other drivers what your next action will be. This is useless for the driving elite such as myself who can anticipate every driver’s actions a half mile before even they can. Most drivers will never possess this ability, however, so a leading cause of accidents is when a driver fails to use his or her turn signal and another driver fails to perceive the first driver’s intentions. Accidents like these are actually beneficial to the transportation system because it gets two failures off of the road for a little while.

 

4. Sharing the Road. I don’t share anything because it’s disrespectful to Ronald Reagan’s memory. Hogging the road is not only the best way to ensure that your flawless driving won’t be sabotaged by poor drivers, but it’s also a victory for capitalism in that for a brief moment you’re taking back the road from the leftist government that built it using your tax money without your consent.

I’ve attempted to purchase the right lane of dozens of highways so that I can drive like I do legally own the road, but every time I have been rejected. This doesn’t stop me from hogging the road away from other drivers and it shouldn’t stop you either. And don’t feel discouraged if you see a fellow driver refusing to yield part of the highway to you. He is challenging you – do not back down. Ram him off the road if you must, whatever it takes to show him and everyone else on the road that you are the most dominant driver in the immediate area.

 

This concludes the second part of successful driving.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.