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Donald Trump Cuts to Chase and Just Masturbates on Stage for Four Minutes

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Presidential candidate Donald Trump shocked the nation yesterday evening when he simply dropped his pants during a rally and proceeded to masturbate in front of tens of thousands of his supporters. The billionaire reportedly became aroused while discussing his plans to set American women back fifty years.

“Me and my buddy was arguin’ over whether or not Trump handin’ out free shirts was too socialist,” said Jonah Ells, a Trump supporter and attendee of the rally. “Trump was up there spittin’ out words and turnin’ his face all red and swollen like usual when we realized his pants was around his ankles and he was goin’ at it like me when I used the internet for the first time in my life two months ago.”

While many Americans were shocked by Trump’s lurid act, some viewed it simply a matter of time.

“I predicted this would happen,” said political pundit Bram Newhauer. “The whole reason why Trump is running for president is to jerk himself off. We’ve known that since the beginning and that’s exactly what he’s been doing this whole time. What nobody anticipated is how well Mr. Trump can jerk off half the nation.”

Trump finished after four minutes, however many of his supporters started to copy their leader, creating the largest group masturbation session in recorded history.

“It’s no great mystery why none of his supporters actually engaged in intercourse at the rally,” said Newhauer. “Trump supporters are a very prideful people. They’re proud of their race, their country, their beliefs, their lack of diversity, and they’re not afraid to express that. Anyone with that much pride in those things, however, is constantly jerking themselves off, typically without even realizing it.”

Trump is scheduled to have a rally this upcoming Thursday, where it is believed that he will be dressing up a copy of the United States Constitution in women’s clothing so that he can force himself onto the unwilling document in front of everyone. If that happens, it will likely be viewed as the only promise Donald Trump will actually keep if he is elected.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Oscar Facts You Never Knew

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The Oscars are this Sunday and the buzz has already started. Millions of Americans will be switching on their TVs to see their favorite stars, glitzy performances, and those nerds who win “Sound Design” or whatever.  But there are some things about the Academy Awards that you might not know, for example that the Academy Awards and the Oscars are the same thing.  Here are 12 more insane facts about the Oscars:

 

1. The first Oscar statues were anatomically correct. The non-gender-conforming model that is used today is the result of a petition by Jane Fonda.

2. Initially the Academy Awards ceremony began as a means of thinning out the Hollywood elite. Winners would be killed and have their skin converted into film.

3. Oscars are only coated in gold. They’re dark chocolate on the inside.

4. It is expected that by the year 2050, the “Best Picture” category will hold 35 nominees.

5. “Oscar Sunday” is one of the biggest days for gambling. People bet on everything from who will win certain awards to which actresses will cry the most to whether or not James Franco is wearing underwear.

6. Steven Spielberg is given an Award for “Best Director” every year.

7. 84% of men say they only watch the Oscars for the dresses.

8. Leonardo DiCaprio gave a poor tip to a gypsy who was working as a waitress. She cursed him, and he has never won an Oscar since.

9. It is rumored that the Academy will host a second awards ceremony next year that will be exclusively for minorities. The two ceremonies will be completely separate, but still equal.

10. Most winners are actually determined by a psychic octopus.

11. Every time NBC hosts the Oscars, they get cancelled mid-ceremony.

12. Nicolas Cage has won more Oscars than anyone else in film history, and film future.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Galactic Presidential Candidate Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 Running on Campaign of Intolerance, Bigotry

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Galactic President hopeful Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 has made the oppression of Humans the focus of his campaign, saying that if elected he would close down Earth’s borders for good.

“Earth has been sending over its people for 50 years now,” said Xzzjylxxy-13 during a rally last Flermsday. “If we don’t do something about it now, the Sol System will be overrun with Humans that want nothing more than to take our jobs.”

Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed building a giant space wall around Earth to keep the Humans out, for which he claims he can make Earth fund on its own.

“I’ve met some Humans,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13, “they’re not good people. Some of them are okay, but for the most part Humans are rapists and murderers and terrorists. And I watch the news, I’ve seen the ‘astronauts’ they’re sending over here. They’re not sending over their best people.”

While many see this campaign as the bigotry of a demagogue, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has managed to gain a considerably large following in the short time since announcing his candidacy.

“Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 is preying on the fears of the galactic people,” said political pundit Jackomeyer Zguiche. “Many have accused him of being a racist. This is not true. He knows that many people in the Galaxy are racist, however, and he uses that to swing the numbers in his favor.”

Whether or not he believes it himself, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed that Humans intend to bring their Earthborn conflicts with them if they are allowed admittance into the rest of the Galaxy.

“Most of the Humans being sent here are grown men,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13. “Where are the women and children? If it’s really so bad over there, why aren’t the men staying over there and fighting?”

Many believe that if elected, Xzzjlyxxy-13 might even try to attack Earth once he realizes that building a planetary wall is impossible.

“We have the ability to bomb them from here,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13 in what some view as a threat. “I’m not saying we should do it, I’m just saying we could and we’d be better for it.”

It’s too early to tell how far Xzzjlyxxy-13 will go this election or even if he’ll win the primary, but regardless, this is shaping up to be one of the most exciting elections in the last 6,744,028,990 years.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Realistic McDonald’s Ads to Begin Airing this Spring

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McDonald’s spokesperson Jerry Panterson announced today that a new line of advertising will begin airing this spring that will be aimed at the type of people who actually do eat at McDonald’s.

“We’ve tried and tried to get new crowds into our restaurants for years by making commercials that appeal to different demographics,” said Panterson. “All of our ads show customers who are attractive and thin and trendy and smile a lot and who don’t have children and are accepting of other people’s lifestyles, but it’s time to face reality. Customers like that simply don’t exist.”

Panterson admits that the McDonald’s advertising team had simply never been inside any of their restaurants and had no idea what they actually like. That team was let go last week and has been replaced by a group of actual McDonald’s customers who, like everyone else that regularly eats at McDonald’s, has never worked in advertising, marketing or any other corporate field.

“We’re excited to finally have a team that really understands our customers,” said Panterson. “This is a new era for McDonald’s; a truthful, legitimate era.”

The team has already begun brainstorming new slogans for fast food chain, including ear-catchers like “When Wendy’s is Closed,” and “Napkins So Fancy They Still Smell like Trees,” and “I’m Accepting It.”

New commercials are reportedly in the process of being filmed, which allegedly feature teenagers with zits, senior citizens who always look depressed, guys who wear work boots more than any other kind of shoe, children who speak louder than is physically possible, people who wear hats solely because their hair is too greasy, and a woman wearing two crosses around her neck for some reason.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Germ-Filled Mouth Most Diverse Place in Nation

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A heartwarming story of pathological disaster struck a small town in North Carolina today when it was discovered that Colin Fargus, a local auto-mechanic, has a mouth containing more foreign organisms than are present in one location anywhere else in the country. Colin’s mouth was officially declared the “most diverse area in the nation” by the doctor in charge of treating Colin.

“Seeing all these different forms of disease, parasites and fungi working together under one common goal, which is to kill Colin, really brings tears to my eyes,” says Dr. George Jiminez, “not just because of the smell, but because it’s like these organisms are working together in a way that humans never could. We could really learn a lot from them.”

Colin visited his local dentist’s office complaining of toothaches, headaches, fever, numbness in his extremities, lack of appetite, blindness, deafness, hallucinations, heart palpitations, abnormal hair growth, spontaneous combustion, homophobia and other debilitating symptoms. Colin’s dentist immediately notified the CDC after initial examination of Colin’s mouth, and he’s been in quarantine ever since.

While treatments for Colin’s various diseases are hastily being applied, many see the diversity of Colin’s mouth as something that should be celebrated in a nation fatally divided by matters of race, sex, gender, religion, and whether or not Mad Max: Fury Road deserved to be nominated for best picture.

“Colin’s mouth is a reflection of the melting pot that is this country,” said Dr. Jiminez. “If he dies in the next few hours, which is certainly possible, then he will surely die a hero.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Subway Performer Wishes Child at Other Table Would Shut The Fuck Up

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Debra Cheron, a street performer who frequently plays percussion instruments in the New York City subway, really wishes the screaming child a few tables over would just shut the fuck up.

“Everyone’s just trying to mind their own business and we have to sit here listening to this loud, ridiculous noise? It’s unacceptable,” says Debra. “You should know better than to bring your cacophonous twerp to a public space.”

Debra continued to bring up other instances that she views as “noise violations.”

“Why do I have to listen to your phone conversation just because we’re sharing a bench at the park? Don’t I deserve some peace and quiet?”

Debra spends most of her weekends in the subway with an assortment of pots, pans, plastic boxes and other household objects that she can use as drums, banging away into a microphone and speaker so she can earn money to pay for marijuana.

“Don’t do construction if there’s people walking around,” continued Debra. “You should have the decency to power down your jackhammer or drill or whatever when you see someone walking towards you.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

New Evidence Suggests Jesus Not Legal US Citizen

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Dr. Dales Harkin, a professor of Jesus studies at Christian American University of Christ, announced today that the famed Son of God might not actually be a legal United States citizen. Dr. Harkin suggests that because the US had not yet formed at the time that Christ was alive, it is unlikely that any American presence existed in the Middle East during Jesus’ lifetime, so He could not have applied for a citizenship.

“We as Christians like to think that Jesus celebrated the American way of life,” said Dr. Harkin, “but the perfect lifestyle that we all know and love here in America probably did not exist in Jesus’ day.”

Many Christians suggest that Jesus might have simply used his powers to time travel to the United States and acquired a citizenship then, however Dr. Harkin argues against this theory.

“If the Savior teleported here,” he said, “then He traveled to this country illegally. If He was born here and then went back in time, He couldn’t have been the Savior since biblical prophecy clearly states that the Savior has to be born in Bethlehem. Any way you slice it, He couldn’t have possibly been a legal citizen.”

Dr. Harkin’s declaration has been met with outrage across the country. Many Americans know they should be intolerant of foreigners, especially foreigners from the Middle East.

“We don’t know how to deal with this paradox right now,” said Dr. Harkin, “nor do we understand how Jesus came to be the only white person in the Middle East at that time. All we can do is pray and hope that God will send the next one to Bethlehem, PA.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News Blog Contributors Killed by Terrorists

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Tragedy struck world-renown news blog Circus Killer News when its three contributors were kidnapped by terrorists last May. CKN lead reporter and editor-in-chief Jacob S. Wydra took his only two employees to an On The Border when the restaurant was taken over by a white power militia group who saw the Mexican food establishment as a threat to American values. Jacob recounts the terrifying events.

“I took them out to lunch because I wanted to fire them both,” he says, “and a public place seemed like a good idea because I didn’t think they would make a scene about it. Then out of nowhere these four guys in army camouflage stormed in with assault rifles shouting at the employees, telling everyone to get down and forcing us all to sing ‘America the Beautiful.’”

The occupation lasted days, and several attempts were made to retake the restaurant.

“One of our writers, Brittany von Beuren, slept with each of the terrorists at least half a dozen times. Sometimes all of them at once, sometimes in front of everyone. But it didn’t matter, they were relentless. They only let us eat if the cooks prepared food in the form of burgers instead of tacos or burritos.”

The other staff writer, John Francais Callahan, switched sides early on.

“Not only did he join them,” says Jacob, “but he convinced them to hold an election and made him their leader. John then had them outsource some of the occupation to a cheaper On the Border in China.”

Eventually the militiamen discovered that Jacob, Brittany and John were press, and after weeks of captivity the terrorists kidnapped the three reporters and brought them back to the trailer park and paintball arena in which the terrorists lived.

For months the bloggers were forced to live with the terrorists, each serving a specific function needed in their society. John again took helm as their leader, teaching the militiamen everything he knew about economics, capitalism and synergy. Brittany married and divorced eleven separate times, and Jacob became a human punching bag. Everything fell apart, however, when the terrorists learned that Jacob was “kinda Jewish.”

In a fit of panic, the terrorists executed Brittany and John for knowing someone Jewish. Jacob narrowly escaped the chaos only because it was part of the plot.

“I don’t know how I made it out of there, honestly,” he said. “All I know is that I never actually fired Brittany or John, and that will haunt me for as long as I give a shit.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Relationships Ruined After Names of M. Night Shyamalan Fan Site Users are Leaked

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Sixth Sense Signs, the internet’s biggest M. Night Shyamalan fan site, had its users’ names leaked earlier this week shortly after being hacked. Users of the site report that the leak has taken a toll on their personal relationships.

“My wife and I are definitely fighting a lot more,” said SSS user Geoffrey Yuzna. “Sixth Sense Signs was a place for myself and other Shyamalfans to meet and talk about the movies with love. Now I’m faced with constant judgment from my wife and my peers who don’t understand that one man cannot be satisfied with the predictable plotlines of any other Hollywood filmmaker.”

Many individuals were shocked to discover that their friends and family members had such secretive poor taste in movies, while others view the leak as the final push they needed to burn bridges with those people.

“I always suspected that my girlfriend might have been one of these people,” said Chelsea Flannigan who recently broke up with her long-time partner and SSS site user. “She would say things like ‘The Devil isn’t that bad, or that people would’ve liked ‘The Last Airbender’ more if it wasn’t so hyped up. I mean, differences in opinion are fine, but belonging to a site like this? That’s an insult to me.”

No hacker group has yet come forward to claim responsibility for the leak, but users of the site were quick to believe that plants and trees might be accountable.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Forced to Wait 40 Goddamn Minutes for Haircut

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Local office worker Donald McMillan was tragically inconvenienced yesterday afternoon when he was forced to wait in a forty minute line just to get a goddamn haircut. Supercuts was the first of many stops that Donald had planned to make after work, but the unusually long wait time forced those plans to be changed.

“I didn’t even have time to stop at a supermarket to get dinner, so I had to resort to fast food,” said Donald. “I mean, I don’t mind fast food at all, but this is the second night in a row now, you know?”

An investigation is underway to determine the cause of the delay, but experts speculate that if Shauna and Gina hadn’t both called in sick, the wait time might have been shortened to fifteen, or even ten minutes.

“What really doesn’t add up about this case,” said renowned haircutologist Dr. Brooke Jenkinsen, “is that Shauna asked to take yesterday off two weeks ago and was denied. And Gina has been flakey ever since she learned that her husband died in Afghanistan. This is going to be a pretty lengthy investigation.”

No news yet on whether or not this scandal will affect Supercuts and its parent company Outstandinghaircuttersanddressers in any lasting way.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.