Year: 2015

Nauseating Couple Already Planning Halloween Costumes

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Friends of Lynda Brost and Phil Linderman became disgusted over the weekend after the couple shared their plans for the “perfect Halloween costume” during a backyard get-together.

“It’s just so depressing whenever you see a couple reach this point,” said Karen Berman, one of Lynda’s longtime friends. “There’s a point in every relationship where both people just stop getting excited over those pointless romantic gestures. Unfortunately that point is past the one where everyone who isn’t in the relationship gets disgusted by them.”

“They’re definitely different, too,” said Karen’s boyfriend Donald. “They’ve been going out for two years and they’re still into that shit. Karen and I lost that after four months, just like any other ordinary couple. I don’t know why they just can’t be like everybody else.”

Lynda explained that she would dress as Katniss Everdeen from the popular Hunger Games franchise, and Phil would dress up as Hawkeye from the Avengers franchise. The gimmick is that both use bows and arrows as their choice weapon, so they wouldn’t have to vary their costumes too much. None of Lynda and Phil’s friends, however, understand why the two idolize characters from children’s movies.

“Where the hell are they planning on showing these costumes off, exactly?” asked Craig, one of Phil’s friends. “Are they going to the office dressed up like that? Are they going to crash some highschooler’s party? I mean… goddammit, I’m more just curious than anything.”

This feeling of nausea and frustration around the happy couple has reportedly lasted for several months now, with all of Lynda and Phil’s closest friends and relatives secretly hoping they’ll break up soon and be miserable like human beings are supposed to be.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of April 27th, 2015

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Your weekly horoscope for April 27th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): The winds of change are heading your way, so stay inside if you don’t want to be bombarded with flying coins.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): No one has ever left you for loving them too much. It’s the stalking that rubs people the wrong way.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Treat your body like a temple. I mean like the Temple of Doom in the second Indiana Jones movie because of how your body is so old, decrepit and filled with bugs.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You don’t need another person to define you! All you need is like seven cats that are all named after famous female poets.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Alright, that’s the third time he’s mistakenly called you by your sister’s name in bed. Definitely look into this.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t listen to what others say. Anyone can be beautiful, it just costs a lot more for someone like you.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Sticks and stones may break your bones, so avoid forests this week.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Being jealous didn’t work out for anyone. Except I guess for Thomas Edison and that Greek guy who boned his mom.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Don’t panic. It only counts as murder if it happened on dry land.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Don’t be surprised if you wake up Thursday morning to find a snake is in the middle of digesting your right leg.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): When you’ve finished recording, please hang up or press ‘1’ for more options.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): I know how badly you wanted to be a Phoebe, but the chart says you’re a Monica and the chart doesn’t lie. Move on.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Ways to Avoid Having Your Identity Stolen

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Having one’s identity stolen has become a common issue in the digital age. Many people have their identity or credit information stolen without their knowledge. Here are a few ways you can keep this from happening to you:

 

1. If you leave your computer unattended, make sure you log out of everything and set up some sort of trip wire and poison dart booby trap.

2. Trust no one. Someone you know might actually be a hacker using one of those masks from the Mission Impossible movies.

3. Don’t open any emails from people you don’t know, unless they’re offering you money just by clicking a link. That’s easy cash.

4. Most homeless people are secretly tech-savvy scam artists who can analyze your DNA from the money you give them. Never help the homeless.

5. You can simply purchase a firearm to keep you and your family safe from hackers.

6. Kill any bug or spider you see. They might actually be tiny robots being controlled by someone gathering intelligence on you.

7. Often ordinary people will have their lives taken over by shapeshifting witches. You can ward them away with bibles, holy water and Proactiv.

8. Eat lots of carrots. They improve your vision and increase your chances of spotting a hacker from a distance.

9. Sometimes scammers will give you an amazing but fake offer over the phone, such as a unique investment opportunity or a refund for your purchase of “The Pink Panther 2” on DVD. Remember, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

10. Never give out your social security number if you happen to be among the 4% of Americans who know their social security number.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Theme Restaurant Opens for Parents who Miss their Kids

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A new theme restaurant called “Yungins” has opened up in Illinois designed specifically for parents who miss their children while out on a date away from them. The interior of the restaurant is designed to mirror that of a home with toddlers, complete with paint and crayons smeared on the walls, plastic toys strewn about the establishment, and numerous refrigerators with scribbled drawings of animals and relatives attached with magnets acquired during vacations.

“It just gives you such a homey feeling,” said Beth Wellerman, a stay-at-home mom of three. “We always talk about going out and getting away from the kids but you really start to miss all this cluttered, pointless shit everywhere.”

The restaurant is also fashioned with hidden speakers that constantly play the sounds of children yelling, whining and crying in order to complete the ambiance.

“We want to give parents the feeling that they’re with their children, even when they’re not,” says restaurant owner and founder Melissa Grossman. “Most parents will say that they want a break from their kids, but our restaurant gives those parents an opportunity to face their mistakes head on.”

Yungins’ complete menu consists solely of gourmet chicken tenders, grilled cheese and pizza. Only soda is served and an ice cream sundae for desert is mandatory.

“I’m not at all surprised by how well we’re doing,” continued Melissa. “And it’s such a fun, simple little concept, too. Really the only hard part is keepin’ all the perverts away.”

Yungins also welcomes adults who aren’t parents to stop inside and take a look at the nightmare they can spend the rest of their lives narrowly avoiding.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Increase of Mandatory Cameras on Police Uniforms Forcing Officers to Resort to Verbal Abuse

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With the recent, dramatic and unexplained increase in police brutality, many police forces are requiring their officers to wear cameras on their vests at all times so that cases of physical abuses of power can be recorded. Most of these cameras do not come equipped with microphones, however, resulting in a growing number of law enforcement officers to instead verbally abuse suspects with the same amount of brutality as physical force would have.

“I guess it started with him calling me names,” says Brian Watkins, a 30-year-old mechanic charged with verbally assaulting a police officer. “I was not speaking; I did not do anything to provoke him. And then out of the blue he starts calling me names. ‘Nerd,’ ‘freakazoid,’ ‘poop breath,’ things that really get to you.”

Watkins is not the only one. Other men have come forward with similar stories.

“I was just walking down the street, minding my own business,” says Dave Peterson. “Then I start hearing the racial slang. ‘Cracker,’ ‘whitey,’ things like that. I turned around and it was a police officer, but what shocked me most is that he was white. And I’m white. He was being racist against his own goddamn race. At one point he told me that it was a slow week and he had to abuse someone in someway and I was just there.”

Many city officials have begun drafting plans to have microphones attached to the vests of law enforcement officers as well, but most speculate that the truly racist and motivated members of any police force will take the time to learn American Sign Language if it means being able to abuse or talk down to someone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #08 – The Olson Twins; John Travolta; Ricky Gervais

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. “Full House” Revival to be Centered Around Neurotic, Damaged Olson Twins

The rumored revival of the hit 1990s sitcom Full House was officially confirmed yesterday, with the show apparently set around the tragic and embarrassing lives of the Olson twins. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson were on the show as toddlers, and upon becoming teenagers started on an infamous downward spiral laced with drugs, alcohol and hurtful jokes on late night comedy shows. The Olson’s played the same character on Full House so it’s unclear how they’ll explain that there’s really two of them. What do you think? Clone, evil twin or shape-shifting goblin?

 

2. John Travolta Admits Belief in Scientology was Just Acting

John Travolta broke his silence yesterday when he admitted that he never actually bought into Scientology, rather he had the entire entertainment world believing that he did in an effort to improve as an actor. This came as a shock to literally no one because cults are dumb. More actors, however, have come forward with similar claims leading many to suspect that Scientology is not a real belief or religion, rather a ridiculous fictional concept devised as a tool for actors to use to hone their skills and push the limits of believability. No word yet from Scientology Pope Julius Cavanaugh, of whom there are no pictures. He has of course been living in a sealed cave beneath the  “Hollywood”  sign for the last 87 years.

 

3. Ricky Gervais Admits that he Turns Into an Animal Every Night

Comedian Ricky Gervais made the shocking announcement that he is in fact a wereperson, or a human being who frequently and often involuntarily transforms into an animal. This information serves to explain the actor’s status as a renowned animal rights activist as well as his recent Twitter argument with hunter Rebecca Francis and her controversial photo in which she poses grinning next to a dead giraffe. Gervais admits he has spent many nights as a giraffe and hopes non-werepeople will soon make a change in their cruel, uncaring attitude towards the peaceful animals with whom they share the Earth.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Join us next Tuesday where we find out how many coins it takes to throw at Sean Penn before he completely loses it.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mom Can’t Work the TV

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Reports are coming in that area mother Susan Fink still does not know how to work the television set that has been in her family’s living room for over a decade. Susan’s family is getting pretty tired of having to teach the stay-at-home mom which buttons on the remote do certain things.

“She doesn’t understand that the cable and the television both have to be on,” says Susan’s son Jared. “It’s not a complicated process. There’s one button that turns on the whole system and she frequently forgets to use it.”

“Every time she wants to watch something, one of us has to stop what we’re doing and help,” says Susan’s daughter Amanda. “She’ll call me on the phone to ask what channel the Food Network is on. The guide is literally on the table next to her! She only watches that and the home improvement channel, how hard is it to memorize two numbers?”

Scientists and researchers have gathered to try and figure out why Susan has so much trouble with only this one household appliance and no others, but at this point most can only speculate.

“It could be some sort of internal brain damage,” said neurologist Dr. Dean Camper, an expert in abnormal brain functions. “I had a patient once who completely forgot about the letter ‘k,’ he would simply spea without it when he taled. Or another patient I had who was unable to recall anything from before he was born. We might be dealing with something similar to those cases.”

Susan herself was unavailable to comment, but she was available to follow this blog and reblog this post.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Talkative Workmate Completely Ruining Game of Thrones

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The newest episode of HBO’s hit series Game of Thrones aired last night, becoming the primary conversational subject around the office just like every Monday during the months that new episodes are released. Lately, however, this chatter has started to ruin the show for many longtime Game of Thrones fans in a local Milwaukee office.

Geoffrey Frederman from the human resources department started watching the series when the newest season aired last Sunday without seeing any of the previous four seasons, reports say. Geoffrey has of course become obsessed with the groundbreaking series, however his naïve take on the events depicted in the last two episodes is really starting to ruin things for everybody.

“Man, I didn’t know that attractive guy with the gold hand had three kids with that mean blond lady,” Geoffrey reportedly told several coworkers. “I guess he’s also a horrible person for not raising his kids. Why did they make all the blonds just the worst?”

Everyone in the office who watches the show has decided not to fill Geoffrey on the last four seasons because it would just take way too much time.

“I don’t want to explain why Peter Dinklage is a drunk fugitive or why ‘the hot one with the white hair’ has all these dragons flying about,” said Jan from accounting. “It’s the fifth year of this damn show, he should know this stuff by now.”

Other people in the office have sworn off of the show until they finish reading the books, but Geoffrey was not even aware that a book series existed until last week. Geoffrey has miraculously managed to avoid all spoilers for the entire series, which annoys everyone in the office more.

“Everyone knows what happened to Ned Stark,” continued Jan. “Everyone. People who have never even heard of Sean Bean knows what happened to Ned Stark. Goddammit.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of April 20th, 2015

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Your horoscope for the week of April 20th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve always done things with good intentions at heart. Make sure everyone hears that; maybe if there isn’t enough evidence the jury won’t convict you.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Be thankful for the things you have, like credit card debt and herpes.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Later this week it will feel like someone is trying to get close to you and you keep pushing them away, but what’s a nightclub without a few perverts who use their hands a bit too much?

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You need to start standing up for yourself. Not every store is motorized-scooter accessible.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Your life will be changed forever this weekend when you will be magically turned into a sea creature.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t move… it’s on your shoulder…

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Lately you’ve been feeling jealous of someone close to you. Why should she get to have your dream guy? Why is she allowed to have your dream house and your dream job and your dream life? Don’t you deserve them, too? Don’t you deserve her perfect life? Of course you do, but she’s taking it away from you. She’s taking away your chance at having a dream guy, and a dream house and perfect job and a perfect life. You need to start taking from her, Libra. You need to take all of those things from her. All of them…

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Do you really think you could spend the rest of your life with someone who listens to jazz? I say dump him.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): No, you don’t need another goddamn sweater for your dog.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You are a larger-than-life kind of person. Seriously consider dieting, it’s really starting to affect your health.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You will be pressured into doing something that you really don’t want to do, but you know in your heart that you’re a woman and your penis isn’t going to remove itself.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Watch out for Libra this week. She’s fucking crazy.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Eat Successfully (Part 3)

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My name is John Francais Callahan. I’ve participated in human trafficking on multiple yachts owned by three different Bush’s. I write to you, the weaker, lesser man, with a few rules to follow that could help you become better than whatever you’re trying to be now.

Recently I have been going over the subject of how to eat successfully. First, I instructed how a real man orders his food. Then I informed you how to properly engage in meal-worthy conversation. This week I conclude my eating tutorial with the final and least important part of the eating process.

 

3. Eating. Within five minutes of your food being set down on the table in front of you, send it back. Sending back your food is a power play that reminds everyone at the table that you are in charge and that both the serving staff and kitchen staff are beneath you. Occasionally there are times when sending your meal back once isn’t enough, so be prepared to do this multiple times. You know you are dining with powerful, knowledgeable men when everyone at the table sends their meal back four, five, even six times before anyone takes a bite.

I will not discuss the mechanics of eating because this is something you should have mastered by the time you were six, unless you are a natural success like myself who mastered eating by the time I was two weeks old. There are things to keep in mind while eating, however, which will make the difference between an ordinary man and a successful man.

Posture is important. Sit up straight throughout the entire course of the meal. An erect state always suggests power but it is also easier to keep your food down if there still happen to be pieces of buckshot in it. It is only acceptable to eat while reclining if you are dining with a Jew or a woman with whom you have already had intercourse, although ideally you would never see such a woman in public again.

Your arms should be down with your elbows at a 50º angle, your feet firmly planted on the ground, and your manhood encroaching into your right pant leg. Your eyes should always be fixed on the person with whom you are conversing at any given moment. At no point should you look at your meal except for the first cut into the meat you are eating to make sure it is as red as Donald Trump’s face before his creamer administers his whitening cream.

Additionally, never belch or hiccup. The only things that should leave a man’s body are excrement and diamonds you may have swallowed during one of Warren Buffett’s rare mineral tastings. Although napkins are designed to wipe excess food crumbs from your mouth and hands, no successful, self-respecting man should use one unless you plan on offering it to a female companion once she starts crying due to her femininity.

 

This concludes my instructions on how to eat successfully. I will continue this column with another tutorial next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.