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Increase of Mandatory Cameras on Police Uniforms Forcing Officers to Resort to Verbal Abuse

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With the recent, dramatic and unexplained increase in police brutality, many police forces are requiring their officers to wear cameras on their vests at all times so that cases of physical abuses of power can be recorded. Most of these cameras do not come equipped with microphones, however, resulting in a growing number of law enforcement officers to instead verbally abuse suspects with the same amount of brutality as physical force would have.

“I guess it started with him calling me names,” says Brian Watkins, a 30-year-old mechanic charged with verbally assaulting a police officer. “I was not speaking; I did not do anything to provoke him. And then out of the blue he starts calling me names. ‘Nerd,’ ‘freakazoid,’ ‘poop breath,’ things that really get to you.”

Watkins is not the only one. Other men have come forward with similar stories.

“I was just walking down the street, minding my own business,” says Dave Peterson. “Then I start hearing the racial slang. ‘Cracker,’ ‘whitey,’ things like that. I turned around and it was a police officer, but what shocked me most is that he was white. And I’m white. He was being racist against his own goddamn race. At one point he told me that it was a slow week and he had to abuse someone in someway and I was just there.”

Many city officials have begun drafting plans to have microphones attached to the vests of law enforcement officers as well, but most speculate that the truly racist and motivated members of any police force will take the time to learn American Sign Language if it means being able to abuse or talk down to someone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mom Can’t Work the TV

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Reports are coming in that area mother Susan Fink still does not know how to work the television set that has been in her family’s living room for over a decade. Susan’s family is getting pretty tired of having to teach the stay-at-home mom which buttons on the remote do certain things.

“She doesn’t understand that the cable and the television both have to be on,” says Susan’s son Jared. “It’s not a complicated process. There’s one button that turns on the whole system and she frequently forgets to use it.”

“Every time she wants to watch something, one of us has to stop what we’re doing and help,” says Susan’s daughter Amanda. “She’ll call me on the phone to ask what channel the Food Network is on. The guide is literally on the table next to her! She only watches that and the home improvement channel, how hard is it to memorize two numbers?”

Scientists and researchers have gathered to try and figure out why Susan has so much trouble with only this one household appliance and no others, but at this point most can only speculate.

“It could be some sort of internal brain damage,” said neurologist Dr. Dean Camper, an expert in abnormal brain functions. “I had a patient once who completely forgot about the letter ‘k,’ he would simply spea without it when he taled. Or another patient I had who was unable to recall anything from before he was born. We might be dealing with something similar to those cases.”

Susan herself was unavailable to comment, but she was available to follow this blog and reblog this post.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Talkative Workmate Completely Ruining Game of Thrones

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The newest episode of HBO’s hit series Game of Thrones aired last night, becoming the primary conversational subject around the office just like every Monday during the months that new episodes are released. Lately, however, this chatter has started to ruin the show for many longtime Game of Thrones fans in a local Milwaukee office.

Geoffrey Frederman from the human resources department started watching the series when the newest season aired last Sunday without seeing any of the previous four seasons, reports say. Geoffrey has of course become obsessed with the groundbreaking series, however his naïve take on the events depicted in the last two episodes is really starting to ruin things for everybody.

“Man, I didn’t know that attractive guy with the gold hand had three kids with that mean blond lady,” Geoffrey reportedly told several coworkers. “I guess he’s also a horrible person for not raising his kids. Why did they make all the blonds just the worst?”

Everyone in the office who watches the show has decided not to fill Geoffrey on the last four seasons because it would just take way too much time.

“I don’t want to explain why Peter Dinklage is a drunk fugitive or why ‘the hot one with the white hair’ has all these dragons flying about,” said Jan from accounting. “It’s the fifth year of this damn show, he should know this stuff by now.”

Other people in the office have sworn off of the show until they finish reading the books, but Geoffrey was not even aware that a book series existed until last week. Geoffrey has miraculously managed to avoid all spoilers for the entire series, which annoys everyone in the office more.

“Everyone knows what happened to Ned Stark,” continued Jan. “Everyone. People who have never even heard of Sean Bean knows what happened to Ned Stark. Goddammit.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Teen Survives Car Wreck, Lives to Tweet About It

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16-year-old Rhode Islander Caitlyn Summers nearly died yesterday on her way home from school when swerved off the road and hit a tree after being distracted by her phone.

“It’s really a miracle that she wasn’t injured any more than she was,” said first responder Dale Earle. “The car is completely totaled and somehow she walks away without a scratch.”

Immediately following the incident, Caitlyn crawled out of the wreck, phone in hand, and began taking pictures to upload onto Instagram and Facebook instead of calling 911. Caitlyn then started posing next to the wreck and talking “selfies” to send to her Snapchat friends.

Caitlyn then started to tweet about her car accident. Reports say that other drivers passed by Caitlyn and stopped to ask if she needed assistance or to see if emergency services were on their way.

“Oh-em-gee get out of my face!” Caitlyn reportedly told one passerby. “I’m literally tweeting right now and you’re being all up in my shit like some perv.”

Eventually emergency services were dispatched. First responders came arrived at the scene to witness Caitlyn recording a Vine in which she attempted to reenact the crash. Paramedic Dale Earle says the hardest thing to do was tear the teenager away from her phone.

“We were checking to see if she might have been in shock, and amazing she seemed to react pretty normally while she was using her phone. It was when the device was taken away from her that she suddenly became catatonic.”

Caitlyn’s friend Meagan, who was in the passenger seat at the time of the accident, has been in a coma ever since.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Even Fucking Jeremy Getting Married Now

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Facebook has been flooded recently with posts announcing the engagements and wedding plans of numerous former friends and classmates from high school, but early reports are coming in that even fucking Jeremy Cooper is among them.

Jeremy, who was known around high school for his antics that included throwing pumpkins at speeding trucks, urinating in the gas tank of the principal’s car and eating a burger found off the side of a highway over a 30 dollar bet, has somehow landed a fiancée before you’ve even had your first serious real-world girlfriend.

Investigations were launched to see if Jeremy’s fiancée “Alyssa Kruger,” who you’ve never even heard of, is in fact an actual person and not someone Jeremy made up. Reports indicate, however, that not only is Alyssa real, she’s also college-educated and far more attractive than any of the three girls you’ve dated seriously.

No one has yet to understand what Alyssa sees in the guy who in high school was known for never being seen with a backpack and owning just three shirts that were all obtained at rock concerts, but many speculate it’s a Green Card marriage or she has some sort of personality disorder, because there’s no goddamn way this is really happening.

Jeremy, who in high school always seemed to smell like morning breath and was voted “Most Likely to Contract Rabies at Least Twice” when he graduated two years late, will likely be sending out wedding invitations sometime next month. Many of his Facebook friends have started taking bets on where the wedding will take place, maybe like the parking lot of the country’s largest Sam’s Club or the hole Jeb Bush was born in or something. Either way the marriage will probably only last like six months, right? It just can’t go a full year. There’s just no way.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Large Hadron Collider Still Unable to Find Billions it Would Need to Make a Profit

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Disappointment came after another unsuccessful week of searching for the billions of dollars it would take to turn a profit for CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, the biggest and most expensive particle accelerator ever constructed. The massive machine was built to search for theoretical particles that might help to explain the origin of the universe, as well as maybe some extra cash on the side to help put a dent in the massive bill it creates.

“The LHC cost about 6.4 billion US dollars for the initial construction,” said CERN spokesperson Valda Palkovski. “It costs about 1 billion dollars every year just to keep it running. Though it has produced some groundbreaking results, it’s still a shock to everyone at CERN that we haven’t found a single shred of monetary value.”

The LHC became fully operational in November of 2009 and since then has discovered things that only smart people understand, however there’s growing concern that something as valueless to Europe and the world as one US dollar has yet to be found in the miles-long research facility. To compensate, plans have been drafted to install small metal detectors to locate any change that the universe might have left leaving around.

“We’re still hopeful that some profit might come out of this project,” continued Palkovski. “It’s conceivable that if we power it up enough, we could tear the walls of our universe open and generate a passage to a parallel Earth that the US government could invade and plunder for oil, gold and other valuable objects. Until that day comes, we will continue trying.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Treehouse to Lift Ban on Admittance of Girls

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Fort Avendjers, a treehouse in Zachary’s backyard that his dad built, broke major ground this week by announcing it would eradicate its strict “no girls allowed” policy for this upcoming weekend.

“At this time all girls are allowed in the Fort as long as everyone is okay with it and they know the secret password,” Zachary announced at the conclusion of last weekend’s meeting.

Much of the weekend was spent debating the issue once Zachary and Tyler brought it up shortly after everyone finished playing superheroes this past Saturday. The debate was sparked when Zachary mentioned that Cindy Weir from across the street said she wanted to play, expressing a fondness in superheroes that Zachary had not expected to find in a girl.

Zachary was then accused of liking Cindy Weir, a point which he vehemently denied and claimed that she just wanted to play and isn’t as “Cindy Weird” as everyone thinks she is. It was at this point that Tyler defended Zachary, saying that if girls were allowed in Fort Avendjers then they might be able to even out the teams for when they play superheroes while Brian Needleman is at Karate.

Eventually the movement was passed on a vote with the only opposed being James from down the street who was very upset about the idea, but has also been really crabby in general ever since his mom left a few months ago. Girls will still not be able to vote on Fort functions and must pass mandatory cooties screenings if they wish to enter, but this is still a massive step for what some of the boys refer to as “the coolest most awesome Fort that was ever built in the history of forever.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Apple’s New ‘iFlush’ to Begin Shipping in May

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Apple fans across the country are waiting with anticipation for the company’s “iFlush,” to begin selling at the end of next month. The iFlush is the first ever smart toilet that can interface wirelessly through a user’s iPhone or iPad, as well as physically through a user’s butt.

“Once synchronizing the iFlush to any hand-held Apple device,” said Apple spokesperson Navika Vasgupti, “the user can control their iFlush anywhere, anytime. As you can see, not only can I flush remotely, but I can also heat the seat, dispense cleaning fluid and plunge any leftover waste that might be clogging the plumbing.”

The iFlush was delayed multiple times due to an issue with its “auto-plunge” feature that shot clogged waste back up at users while they were using the device. Vasgupti assured during the Apple press conference, however, that this issue was corrected.

“Apple has revolutionized the bathroom experience,” said Vasgupti, “by adding a series of new features that are unlike any toilet you’ve ever seen. For a small extra fee, anyone can download any hundred of additional apps that can turn your iFlush into a gaming system, news outlet or home theater. You’ll never have to leave your toilet again.”

“But that’s not all,” Vasgupti continued. “The iFlush can also be synced to the iCloud. This gives users the ability to store all of their bowel movements so that they can be viewed at any time or shared with a friend.”

The price of the iFlush has yet to be announced, but many tech journalists predict a smart toilet like the iFlush will be in almost every home within the next 10 years.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Disgusting Teen Refuses to Floss

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Family and friends of Tennessee teenager Armand Watkins were distraught upon discovering that the 19-year-old Kmart box boy has never flossed in his life.

“I just don’t see the point,” Armand reportedly told his family last week. “Unless I’m eating popcorn or beef or something, I really don’t feel anything getting stuck between my teeth. And even then it falls out eventually, so what’s the point?”

Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam quarantined Armand after hearing about the teenager’s sickening habits, worried that they might spread to other parts of the state.

“We want to stop this problem before it becomes a major epidemic,” Governor Haslam told reporters during a press conference early this morning. “Not only will Armand’s breath become a major public health issue, but if we stand by and do nothing then Armand’s ideologies might spread faster than the foul odor within his mouth.”

The CDC has reportedly been trying to teach Armand how to floss and why it’s important, but so far he has been uncooperative.

Meanwhile, Armand’s family and friends can’t get over the fact that he has been neglecting his hygienic responsibilities for so long without them realizing.

“He seemed like everyone else,” said one of Armand’s high school friends. “He came to school like everyone else, joined clubs like everyone else, ate the things that everyone else ate. It shocks me to think that something like this could be happening right under my friend’s nose.”

“It is important that people know,” said Armand’s mother, “that our family does not condone this sort of behavior. We are as shocked as anyone that our son could be capable of something so heinous and we hope his actions don’t reflect poorly on his fellow white Tennesseans.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Black Cop Unsure Who to Hate

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Officer Travis McCormick, a black police officer from Kentucky, has reportedly had a difficult time figuring out whom to hate ever since police brutality and racial discrimination have become popular topics of media controversy.

“I used to be able to pull over speeders regardless of their race,” said McCormick. “Now I can’t pull over black drivers without feeling guilty or white drivers without being accused of racism.”

McCormick says that everything about his job and his life is starting to revolve around racial unrest, which puts the long-time officer in a general state of confusion.

“Often my fellow officers will joke around and ask me how my day was robbing convenient stores and stealing cars,” continued McCormick. “Then a few black people I meet while I’m in uniform will ask me how my day beating and strangling minorities is going. I don’t do either of those things, and I don’t know which one I find more offensive.”

McCormick has managed to find a positive to being stuck between two worlds, however.

“In my precinct all police officers are required to arrest no less than six black suspects a month. Any officer in this town is lucky to come across six criminals in a year, so usually I just place myself under arrest and then let myself go after letting myself sit in my squad car for a few hours. All the other officers think all black people look the same, so I haven’t been caught yet.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.