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Archeological Evidence Suggests Library of Alexandria Never Went Digital

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The Ancient Library of Alexandria lost all its thousands of texts during an infamous fire nearly 2000 years ago because the institution never made the transition over to digital, archeologists say. Though this had always been a theory, newly uncovered evidence seems to prove that the Library’s failure to upgrade its system is the primary cause for the loss of its literature.

“Everyone sort of understood that not digitally backing up their archives was the main reason why the fire that destroyed the Library was so fatal,” said archeologist Dan Rhyback, head of the team that discovered this new evidence. “Now, we finally have something that shows why this fatal mistake occurred.”

That something is an ancient Comcast modem that seems to have fallen into disrepair. Miraculously the antique device can still be turned on, however it does not appear to transmit or receive any signal.

“When we plug it in,” said Rhyback as he demonstrated how to use the device, “we can see that the ‘Power’ light turns on automatically so it appears to be working. However if you look at this flashing ‘US/DS’ light, we can see that there is no strong connection with any internet provider.”

At first glance it may look like the device is working, but in fact the flashing ‘US/DS’ light indicates that the modem is malfunctioning in some way, and perhaps never worked properly at all.

“Nothing seems to give the device any signal,” said Rhyback. “We’ve tried unplugging it and plugging it back in, hitting the little ‘Reset’ button on the back, nothing.”

The archeologists also uncovered a small basement underneath the site where a phone was found on hold with Comcast tech support for the last 2000 years, which further supports the theory.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Boston Declares State of Emergency as City Runs out of Booze on St. Patrick’s Day

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The city of Boston ran out of alcohol just hours ago on St. Patrick’s Day morning leaving tens of thousands of celebrators furious and sober. Riots have broken out all across the city as Bostonians raid stores and homes in search of alcohol, pots of gold and resolution with their distant fathers.

“In truth the violence isn’t the real problem,” said mayor Dalton Dunley. “We usually see this sort of violence every year and in fact the number of deaths and injuries are usually way higher at this point due to alcohol poisoning. My main concern right now is that those numbers will drastically increase later in the day because of withdrawal. That’s why we’re in a state of emergency.”

President Obama has reportedly ordered FEMA to fly in hundreds of gallons of booze into the city but early estimates don’t think this will be enough.

“We wanna get trucks bringin’ it in,” said Mayor Dunley, “but most of the roads are still closed from all the snow. We tried boats, too, but that whole system’s down for now.”

Ordinarily the immense amount of alcohol that is consumed on St. Patrick’s Day is brought into Boston Harbor via cargo ships, however a group of drunk Bostonians snuck onto a few of these ships early this morning and dumped a lot of the booze into the harbor as an act of protest. Most of them were caught and jailed.

“Yeah we were protesting,” said Dennis McLeary, one of the harbor dumpers. “Joe was protesting that I couldn’t lift a whole barrel of booze, and I was protesting that I could. So we all snuck on and I totally did.”

“Dennis and his friends will be prosecuted when this crisis is over,” said Mayor Dunley. “Until then we will do everything to bring alcohol to the fine people of this city, even if it kills them.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Cancun Sinkhole Kills Hundreds of Future Congressmen

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Thousands of college students saw disaster during their spring break when a massive sinkhole opened up in Cancun, swallowing and killing a shocking number of intoxicated business and political science majors.

“I just can’t believe it happened, dude,” said survivor Joey Simmons, a senior at Harvard Business School. “I wasn’t there when it happened ‘cause I was makin’ out with some chick from Ithaca who was Portuguese or Filipino or one of those South America countries, but you could hear it happen. I remember she was like ‘did you hear that?’ and I was like ‘I didn’t say you could talk’ and we kept makin’ out.”

It’s still too early to tell, but some geologists claim that the area became unsettled when thousands of gallons of spilled alcohol mixed with birth control pills, creatine and reproductive fluids that had gathered underground from previous spring breaks. The resulting chemical concoction was a new, unidentified acid that literally dissolved the rocks, dirt and skeletons of forgotten tourists upon which the resort town rested.

“It’s the sort of thing that you see on the news and you’re like ‘OMG I feel so sorry for those people,’” said survivor Amanda Berringer. “But like now, we’re those people. It’s blowing my mind… this isn’t the sort of thing that’s supposed to happen in America.”

The surviving spring break-ers are now attempting to fill in the crater that was Cancun to make a giant nude-only swimming pool to try and salvage what’s left of their week-long party.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Guy at Airport Might Be Dennis Quaid

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Businessman Philip Durst swears he saw actor Dennis Quaid at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport while returning from a business trip yesterday morning. According to Durst, Quaid was waiting in the same terminal for the same flight before receiving a phone call and leaving.

“I was just sitting there and I swear he looked exactly like Dennis Quaid,” said Durst. “So similar that I don’t see how it couldn’t have been him.”

Durst tried to confirm this with the people sitting around him, but the few people he spoke with had never heard of the actor. Durst wanted to ask more people but had already used the 100 words that the TSA allows passengers to bring past security.

“In hindsight I guess I should’ve just approached the guy,” continued Durst. “I’m sure those Hollywood types get that a lot, though. Probably would’ve annoyed him.”

When Durst told his work friends today, however, they all seemed uninterested, reports say.

“I just think it’s weird,” Durst allegedly told his coworkers, “because I just watched the movie Vantage Point like a week ago. And there he was.”

The story was met with a shrug or dismissive, “oh, cool,” from everyone he told it to. This in contrast to when he posted about it on Facebook, where he received an unprecedented 14 likes for the story.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Unemployed College Graduate Completely Prepared for Zombie Apocalypse

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Recent college graduate Jason Wilboro claims to be fully prepared for a zombie apocalypse, having spent the two years since his graduation stocking up on supplies, taking survival courses and reading up on the subject instead of searching for gainful employment.

Jason began working as a cashier within a week after graduating, but was let go soon afterward for always leaving early, giving management a tough time and not showing up often enough. Jason considered looking for a new job after this, but decided instead that his time would be better spent gearing up for the end of the world.

“I could work my whole life away. Earn money, start a family, the whole deal. But just imagine what will happen when the whole world goes to shit. Zombies are probably the most likely scenario but it could really happen any way. And when it does, I’ll be the one holding all the cards.”

Jason has since abandoned the possibility of finding employment and eagerly awaits the beginning of the apocalypse.

“It’ll be tough being one of the only survivors,” Jason told us while cashing a check his mother mailed him. “If you’re not already prepared when it hits, if you’re not strong and independent enough like I am, you’re just as good as dead when it happens.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Neighbors’ Race Still a Mystery

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Calvin and Olivia Jones from Chicago have yet to determine the race of the family that moved in to the apartment next door, reports say. The debate has continued since the family moved in last November and appears to get farther from a consensus with each new piece of evidence.

Calvin and Olivia have tried everything they could think of to solve this mystery, including searching through the family’s garbage, attempting to figure out what language they shout in, and using smell to try and identify what sort of food they’re cooking.

“It’s just so vexing,” said Olivia, “to be living next to someone and not know where they’re from. I mean, race isn’t like a big deal or anything. I’m not saying that because I’d be more afraid if they were from a certain place, that’s not what I mean. It’s just really weird not knowing.”

“It’s not like the sort of thing you can just bring up with them, either,” said Calvin. “I think the best thing we can do at this point is to just wait for the next World Cup and determine what country they’re rooting for based on how much our walls start to shake from noise.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Microwave Breaks, Starves

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Anthony Gremble, a 26-year-old software engineer from Rhode Island, was found dead in his apartment this past Sunday. Anthony had apparently starved to death after his microwave broke and he couldn’t heat up any food.

“He was lying face-down in the kitchen, trying to figure out how fruit works from the looks of it,” said Officer Dave Chapel, the first to arrive on the scene. “Of course we didn’t officially know how it happened until the autopsy but anyone could guess. The time display on the microwave was blank and his freezer was full of uneaten frozen foods. The food was still good so I’ll probably be taking that home with me.”

Like most people his age, Anthony did not know how to prepare food beyond sticking something in the microwave for a few minutes. Anthony’s parents were reportedly charged with Unintentional Manslaughter this morning for never teaching their son how to properly feed himself.

“I just don’t understand how we can be at blame here,” said Anthony’s mother. “The truth is, I never learned to cook myself. We’re a microwave family. Always have been, always will be. I don’t know why my son didn’t just order takeout.”

“The police are looking in the wrong direction,” said Anthony’s father. “A lot of people knew our son relied heavily on his microwave. Anyone could’ve broken into his apartment and sabotaged the machine. You make a lot of enemies in the software engineering business. I just hope the police find whoever actually did this.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Millennial’s Staunch Objection to Marijuana Refreshingly Retrogressive

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20-year-old Kevin Dubaccaus of Seattle, Washington, surprised his friends yesterday evening when he said he doesn’t condone the usage of marijuana.

“I just thought he was kidding at first,” said Kevin’s friend Caitlyn Baker, “but then he started reciting facts and statistics and all this health stuff and we were like… ‘whoa, he’s for real right now.’”

Kevin’s friends were fascinated by his opinion since Kevin is a forward-thinking person on all other social issues. In fact, Kevin’s friends welcomed his opposing viewpoint since everyone in Seattle generally has the same opinion about marijuana.

“It’s weird, but it’s cool,” said Kevin’s friend Anthony Tennisen. “Everyone here thinks about it the same way now. Which means that right now, Kevin is the progressive thinker. Like it totally blew my mind.”

These are just some of Kevin’s friends who are open to his opinion, however many of them simply don’t understand it. Kevin supports his opinion based on facts that some of his fellow college students are unable to comprehend.

“He was giving me all of these numbers and stuff,” said Jonathon Redmond who lives on Kevin’s floor. “I was like, ‘okay, dude, chill out, because all of these numbers have like these weird sorta colors on them and its all just like swirling around in my brain and making my soul hurt, ya know?’ And then he said that he didn’t know, and I was like ‘well who’s the dumb one now then?’”

Kevin tried coming out to his parents with his radically retrogressive views on the drug, however his father didn’t know how to pause the episode of “Scooby-Doo” he was watching and his mother was too fascinated with how her hands moved to take in what her son was saying.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Family Not Shaken by Father’s Attempts to Flirt with Waitress

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The Rosario family of San Fuego, California, was able to enjoy their evening eating out despite family patriarch Warner Rosario’s constant attempts to flirt with the restaurant staff, reports say. The family claims they have grown accustomed to this behavior and that last night’s incidents at “Squinggini’s Italian Grille” occur often.

The night began as expected when Warner spanked the seating hostess on the way to their table. Fortunately she felt nothing; her rear end had become numb while sitting and waiting for diners to arrive since Squinggini’s is such an unpopular place.

“After that we all kind of looked at each other as if to say, ‘oh, it’s gonna be one of those nights,’” said Warner’s 15-year-old son Gabriel. “We know how to handle him when he gets like this. Just ignore him and enjoy your meal.”

The waitress, Becky Miller, did not pick up on Warner’s flirtations for some time after she first showed up to take their orders.

“I guess it’s because he was so old, maybe? Or maybe just because he had his family with him,” said Becky. “I don’t know. Either way I didn’t realize it for a while. And when I did I was just sort of creeped out.”

Francine Rosario, Warner’s wife, apologized to Becky when the meal was over and left a generous tip.

“Nobody takes him seriously so we all sort of don’t care,” said Francine. “It’s just a pain because we have to over-tip every single time we go out.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Mom Just Done with Winter

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Gayle Woodbury of Sundale, New Jersey, announced today that she is “just done with winter.” The announcement was officially made over Facebook, however friends and family report that Gayle had been leading up to it for some time.

“She would get home from work and the first thing to come out of her mouth was, ‘oh, gosh, it’s freezing out!’” says Gayle’s husband Paul Woodbury. “Most of the conversations we’ve had in the last few weeks have started with, ‘can you believe how cold it is?’”

Since the news has been officially posted on Facebook, Gayle has been supported by her friends and colleagues who have also come out as being done with winter.

“I’m so happy she’s finally admitted it,” said Gayle’s workmate June Agosticci. “I feel like all of us have known for a while but it’s not the sort of thing you can just bring up without the other person being comfortable with it.”

Gayle’s children are unfazed by the news since, according to them, Gayle makes the same statement every winter.

“She does this every year,” said Gayle’s daughter Hannah. “It’s not even like a big deal, she has to go from like her car to work to home and that’s it. I have to wait outside at the bus stop and sometimes they make us run outside during gym. So like, I get it, but I have it worse.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.