Month: March 2015

Horoscope: Week of March 9th, 2015

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Your weekly horoscope for March 9th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You might feel like your friends have been avoiding you lately. This is because you smell weird and are way too into The Walking Dead.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Heartbreak can be tough, but you’ll be stronger for it. Either that or you’ll need surgery.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Your decision to make healthier choices isn’t panning out as quickly as you had hoped… maybe it’s time to cut your losses and go back to your usual slops.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): I don’t think he’s gonna call you back either.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You’ve been working really hard lately and it feels like your boss hasn’t noticed. That’s because he’s busy taking credit for your work and thinking about purchasing a second boat.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t forget to add salt.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You will come into a great amount of wealth later this week. Wait… no, I’m sorry, I read that wrong. It’s feces. You will come into a great amount of feces later this week.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You need to get that checked out by a doctor, okay? I really can’t help you.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Someone is about to enter your life and change it forever. Then someone else is going to leave your life and change it a lot but it’ll wear off. And then three more people will enter your life. One will change it forever, one will change it slightly at first but gradually more change will be noticeable, and one won’t affect you that much. And then all of them will die.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Remember that money you set aside for a rainy day? Well I’m looking at your job situation right now and boy is there a storm coming…

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Think of a number between 1 and 10. Was it 7? Don’t lie, you know it was 7.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You are at a crossroads right now. Unfortunately it’s not the kind with Ralph Macchio; you can’t play your guitar out of this one.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Visit A Movie Theater Successfully

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Before I begin, I would like to state that all of this is beneath me. I have not seen a film since after the movie “Jaws” was released because that was the point in which film was cemented as entertainment for the commoner, and I am not a commoner. Additionally, any man with half my strength, guile and fullness of hair could easily take on a shark such as the one depicted in that film.

With the rapid rise in ticket prices, however, film might become an entertainment source for the elite within a decade. It is because of this that I now turn my attention towards movie going.

 

1. Attire. There was a time when people wore full suits and ball gowns for an evening out to the movie theater, and that time died when hippies and slackers took over the industry. If you are to visit a movie theater in the most successful way possible, you must do so in the fashion that Thomas Edison intended when he single-handedly invented film as a means to blackmail other inventors who refused to take advantage of capitalism. If you are not in a full suit then you don’t deserve to be in public anyway.

 

2. Concessions. Don’t buy them. Candy, popcorn and soft drinks are for children. Starve if you must, it’s the theater’s fault for not serving any red meat or cognac.

 

3. Volume. It is essential to raise your voice while the film is playing. By giving your commentary on the events depicted in the film, you are letting everyone in your proximity know that your word matters more than the word of the filmmakers, which will always be true because filmmaking is a farcical profession for clowns and unshaven, glasses-wearing men. By speaking louder than Kevin Hart is shouting on screen, you have achieved vocal dominance within the theater and your fellow moviegoers will respect you for it.

 

This concludes this week’s portion of “How to Succeed.” There will be another post in one week. Until then, try to be better than what you are now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Bizarre Facts You Won’t Believe About Marvel Superheroes

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Marvel movies are consistently the highest grossing films every year, however few people still take the time to read the comics. Many of these characters have been around for 50 years or more and have taken some pretty strange turns in that time. Here are our 10 favorite bizarre facts about the characters of the Marvel universe.

 

1. Spider-Man’s only weakness is all pesticides.

2. Wolverine had his skeleton replaced with the strongest metal in existence and his blood replaced with diet soda.

3. Each member of the Fantastic Four has their own sidekick, which together form the Quiescent Cuatro.

4. Apparently Iron Man’s superpower is never calling you back even though he said he would and that he enjoyed being with you and just… ugh, he’s just such an asshole.

5. Dr. Doom received his doctorate in Contemporary French Poetry.

6. Captain America is a white supremacist.

7. Bruce Banner turned into The Incredible Hulk when his experiments to find a cure for erectile dysfunction went horribly wrong.

8. Gambit only helps out the X-Men when he regains control over his gambling addiction.

9. The Silver Surfer always finishes in second place.

10. Professor Xavier lost the use of his legs during a skiing accident.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Millennial’s Staunch Objection to Marijuana Refreshingly Retrogressive

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20-year-old Kevin Dubaccaus of Seattle, Washington, surprised his friends yesterday evening when he said he doesn’t condone the usage of marijuana.

“I just thought he was kidding at first,” said Kevin’s friend Caitlyn Baker, “but then he started reciting facts and statistics and all this health stuff and we were like… ‘whoa, he’s for real right now.’”

Kevin’s friends were fascinated by his opinion since Kevin is a forward-thinking person on all other social issues. In fact, Kevin’s friends welcomed his opposing viewpoint since everyone in Seattle generally has the same opinion about marijuana.

“It’s weird, but it’s cool,” said Kevin’s friend Anthony Tennisen. “Everyone here thinks about it the same way now. Which means that right now, Kevin is the progressive thinker. Like it totally blew my mind.”

These are just some of Kevin’s friends who are open to his opinion, however many of them simply don’t understand it. Kevin supports his opinion based on facts that some of his fellow college students are unable to comprehend.

“He was giving me all of these numbers and stuff,” said Jonathon Redmond who lives on Kevin’s floor. “I was like, ‘okay, dude, chill out, because all of these numbers have like these weird sorta colors on them and its all just like swirling around in my brain and making my soul hurt, ya know?’ And then he said that he didn’t know, and I was like ‘well who’s the dumb one now then?’”

Kevin tried coming out to his parents with his radically retrogressive views on the drug, however his father didn’t know how to pause the episode of “Scooby-Doo” he was watching and his mother was too fascinated with how her hands moved to take in what her son was saying.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Family Not Shaken by Father’s Attempts to Flirt with Waitress

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The Rosario family of San Fuego, California, was able to enjoy their evening eating out despite family patriarch Warner Rosario’s constant attempts to flirt with the restaurant staff, reports say. The family claims they have grown accustomed to this behavior and that last night’s incidents at “Squinggini’s Italian Grille” occur often.

The night began as expected when Warner spanked the seating hostess on the way to their table. Fortunately she felt nothing; her rear end had become numb while sitting and waiting for diners to arrive since Squinggini’s is such an unpopular place.

“After that we all kind of looked at each other as if to say, ‘oh, it’s gonna be one of those nights,’” said Warner’s 15-year-old son Gabriel. “We know how to handle him when he gets like this. Just ignore him and enjoy your meal.”

The waitress, Becky Miller, did not pick up on Warner’s flirtations for some time after she first showed up to take their orders.

“I guess it’s because he was so old, maybe? Or maybe just because he had his family with him,” said Becky. “I don’t know. Either way I didn’t realize it for a while. And when I did I was just sort of creeped out.”

Francine Rosario, Warner’s wife, apologized to Becky when the meal was over and left a generous tip.

“Nobody takes him seriously so we all sort of don’t care,” said Francine. “It’s just a pain because we have to over-tip every single time we go out.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #01 – Angelina Jolie; Pitbull; Ashton Kutcher

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Welcome to the first edition of Circus Killer News’  “Celeb Watch.”  We always have our eye on the latest celebrity gossip and will be bringing you the inside scoop of the private lives of celebrities every Tuesday.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. Angelina Jolie Adopts Nation of Uganda

Angelina Jolie’s legal acquisition of Uganda and its people were made official today becoming the latest milestone in the actress’s journey to ending all poverty. Jolie announced last May that adopting four children, frequent visits to third world nations and large charitable donations were simply not enough to satisfy her need to end poverty on a personal level, and that adopting the entire nation of Uganda was the next step to achieve this goal. Jolie is currently financing a massive bridge to connect her home in Beverly Hills with her new country for easier access to her 40 million children.

 

2. Pitbull Hires Private Detective to Find Long Lost Hair

Rumor has it that Pitbull, the American rapper, has allegedly hired a private investigator to find out what happened to his hair. Pitbull lost his hair in the early 1990s while touring in Chernobyl and has never been the same without it; many of his songs took a depressing turn directly afterwards. Emotionally he recovered within the last decade but it’s commonly known that the peachy roundness of his head has left an empty hole in his heart that can only be masked with 1960s driving glasses. Pitbull has not yet confirmed whether or not this private investigator story is legitimate, but I think we’re all hoping for a reunion at some point in the near future.

 

3. Ashton Kutcher to Finally Take a Shower

Lastly, Ashton Kutcher announced via Twitter this morning that he is finally going to take a shower. This will be the actor’s first shower in 9 years, according to the same tweet. Kutcher evidently decided not to bathe purely out of laziness, promising himself that he would just do it tomorrow every single day for years. He came out in early 2013 as a clinically diagnosed ablutophobe (one who fears bathing), and has been struggling with his fears ever since. Now it seems he is ready to face those fears and give showering a try.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Come back every Tuesday for the lastest on celebrity gossip!

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Mom Just Done with Winter

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Gayle Woodbury of Sundale, New Jersey, announced today that she is “just done with winter.” The announcement was officially made over Facebook, however friends and family report that Gayle had been leading up to it for some time.

“She would get home from work and the first thing to come out of her mouth was, ‘oh, gosh, it’s freezing out!’” says Gayle’s husband Paul Woodbury. “Most of the conversations we’ve had in the last few weeks have started with, ‘can you believe how cold it is?’”

Since the news has been officially posted on Facebook, Gayle has been supported by her friends and colleagues who have also come out as being done with winter.

“I’m so happy she’s finally admitted it,” said Gayle’s workmate June Agosticci. “I feel like all of us have known for a while but it’s not the sort of thing you can just bring up without the other person being comfortable with it.”

Gayle’s children are unfazed by the news since, according to them, Gayle makes the same statement every winter.

“She does this every year,” said Gayle’s daughter Hannah. “It’s not even like a big deal, she has to go from like her car to work to home and that’s it. I have to wait outside at the bus stop and sometimes they make us run outside during gym. So like, I get it, but I have it worse.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Drone Operators to be Replaced with Drones

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The US military announced this week that it has been funding a project that will replace Armed Attack Drone operators with “microdrones” that can be operated at an even safer distance from combat. The Microdrone Project has been underway for some time now and will likely be fully operational by the end of this year.

“One of our biggest concerns,” said US Army spokesperson Jack MacIntyre, “is the safety of our drone operators, and we feel that current safety precautions are simply not where they can be. Using microdrones, we can safely operate a drone operation facility hundreds of miles away from the facility itself.”

Each drone operating station can be operated by eight microdrones, each of which are in turn operated by one person. This teamwork is something that the military has been lacking since the start of the drone era, however the choice to move ahead with the Microdrone Project was a purely resource-conscious decision.

“Frankly, the military is in danger of outgrowing itself,” says Hershel Tolmpkin, a current private defense strategist and former military colonel. “The military has so much money and soldiers right now and not enough countries to invade. By adding more personnel and resources to the operation of one drone, they fix that issue.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of March 2nd, 2015

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Your weekly horoscope for March 2nd,  2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Be kind to a stranger this week, you’re overdue for a good scam.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Jupiter is currently passing through the house of Taurus, so don’t be surprised if you suddenly get super fat.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Love is in the air, but so are unregulated carbon emissions… you should consider moving out of the city.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): A chance will emerge some time this week for you to be a hero. Don’t let this stop you from sitting around on your ass like usual.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Not saying you’re going to die if you don’t order the soup this Thursday, but I really don’t trust that salad.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You may or may not be attacked by a giant sea lizard this week.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You’ll have a cold front moving in from the south later this week, about a 30% chance of precipitation on Monday.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Things will get heated at work this week, so bring like a fan or a cold towel or something.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Look, kid, I don’t know when you’re gonna get a job, alright? Just keep sending out resumes.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): That bread in your pantry will go bad this Tuesday. And yes, bread can go bad.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Your relationship might take a turn for the worse this week so start getting irrational now.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): This sign’s prediction is only available with a Circus Killer Gold Membership account. Pay the $8 monthly subscription fee for access to your astrological reading.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.