Month: October 2018

KILLER ADVICE: How Can I Stop People From Breaking Into My Car And Committing Crimes Inside Of It?

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You’re reading Killer Advice, a weekly advice column written by the staff of Circus Killer News. Our staff might be young and attractive, but the untold wisdom that we gained from eating crystals gives us the authority to tell you how to live your life.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Makayla Sinnis from Kingsdale, Florida. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
I drive a 2007 Toyota Prius, and for as long as I can remember, people keep breaking into it and using it as a place to commit crimes. Last week as I approached my car in the parking lot of where I do grass fed yoga, I noticed two old men doing heroin in the back seat. They picked the lock with their drug needle that they were sharing, and both of them were only wearing socks. Then there was a time when I was stuck in traffic on my way to work, and a group of rowdy teenagers who were skipping school climbed on top of my Prius, smashed open the sunroof, and crawled inside to drink alcohol and listen to profane music after pushing me out onto the highway. My car has been broken into and made into a crime scene at least three dozen times, and I can’t figure out why this is happening to me.”

 

Makayla, the truth is, you actually don’t have a problem here. The Toyota Prius is the worst selling car in America because of how lame it is. In order to increase sales, Toyota lobbied Congress to pass a federal law that states that no one can be convicted of any crime that takes place inside a Prius. Americans still don’t buy the worthless commie virgin-mobile, but there’s nothing illegal about breaking into one and committing crimes inside of it. Try driving literally any other car, and you won’t have this problem.

In case that isn’t an option, there are a few things that you can do to keep your car from getting broken into so often. You could try painting your car to resembling something that is not a Prius, such as a Ford F-150, a hippopotamus, the Second Amendment, or anything else that Americans believe is too sacred to mess around with. You could also try wrapping strips of barbed wire around your car, but this will likely attract perverts, which could potentially make matters far worse.

The only other thing we would recommend is to get some sort of custom car alarm that would scare off anyone who trips it. Instead of the usual beeping and honking, you could have your car blast hippopotamus mating sounds, which is a sight too glorious and sacred to behold. Other sounds that would scare people off include ghosts fighting, the echoey groan of an empty vending machine, and any foreign music. You could also have your car play the National Anthem, which would force anyone in earshot to immediately stop what they’re doing, even if they’re breaking into your car, and bow their head in prayer.

We hope this helps, Makayla, but if you ever tell anyone that we gave assistance to the owner of a Prius then we could lose our reporting license, so keep this to yourself.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Lizard Men Unsettled By State Of U.S. Politics

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Recent reports indicate that the secret society of lizard men who have been guiding American government and culture since the country’s inception have finally returned to Earth after being on vacation since 2015. The Reptilians left for their homeworld, Planet X, shortly before Donald Trump announced his candidacy for the presidency, and are shocked by how their project has deteriorated in the last three and a half years.

“Everything was going fine,” said Xylluriax, a lieutenant in the Nibiru Invasion Agency. “Honestly, it’s kind of impressive how humans are able to fuck things up so much in such a small amount of time.”

The NIA has been infiltrating the United States government and orchestrating world events to slowly eradicate humankind and replace it with a crossbreed of human and Reptilian creatures that will rule the Earth. It’s a highly delicate plan with no room for error, but after centuries, the lizard men needed a break.

“We put it all in the hands of Zandorrah,” continued Xylluriax, “who in the past had proven to be an excellent shapeshifter and slummus trankulator, but not a very likable person. Zandorrah had been impersonating a human for decades, and served as the U.S. Secretary of State under President Obama from 2009 to 2013.”

Zandorrah was meant to become President after Barrack Obama. Under Zandorrah’s rule, Americans were to be given free healthcare so that a mutation formula could be administered to the entire population through mandatory vaccinations. Zandorrah convinced the other Reptilians that he could accomplish this on his own, and that the rest of them deserved a relaxing break. Somehow, Zandorrah let the election slip away from him.

“Now we’re back,” said Xyllurian, “and all of our focus is on restoring Reptilian power and undoing all the damage done by the unevolved primates currently in control of Washington. Our plans should be up and running again after the 2020 election, but we’re making a strong push to get things back this November.”

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Insecure Coworker Ready For Halloween

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Office manager Wade Mikael of Bedhurst, Delaware, has reportedly spent the day demonstrating to his coworkers that he is already prepared for this year’s Halloween. Wade has been distracting his coworkers by sharing pictures of his decorations and costumes, and expressing his contemptible interest in the child’s holiday.

“I was sitting at my desk, trying to write my T.P.S. report,” says coworker Mandy Hoffe, “when Wade appeared with his iPhone and shows me so many goddamn photos of his house. I mean, yeah, it was impressive how many skeletons and spiders and cutouts he had up, but really, who gives a shit?”

Wade expressed to another coworker, Dawn Somner, that he had purchased eleven different Halloween costumes because he couldn’t decide what he wanted.

“If you’re that into Halloween,” says Dawn, “then you make one homemade costume each year, and that’s it. This is just sad.”

Some of Wade’s coworkers recall that Halloween was a big thing for him and his wife Alice for the last few years, but they split up over the summer. No one in the office is looking forward to Wade’s annual Halloween party at the end of the month.

“It’s going to be the most awkward party I’ve ever been to,” says Dawn. “Well, the most awkward party on land, anyway. I think most of us just aren’t going. There’s only so much sympathy that we as human beings can feign, you know?”

Wade bombarded Greg from accounting with photos of his decorations, stories of where he obtained them and how much they cost, and assurances that this year’s Halloween party is going to be the best one ever. This proved to be the height of the day’s awkwardness, as Wade is still unaware that his wife Alice is currently living with Greg, and that they’ve been lovers for almost a year.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.