Author: circuskiller

Blogger Only One Who Thinks 100th Post a Big Deal

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Internet blogger Stefan Takowski became ecstatic when he published his 100th blog post this morning. Despite Stefan’s blog being very unpopular and amateurish, the unemployed millennial thought it was an incredible feat. Most people who know Stefan believe this is from not having much of anything else going for him.

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t really know what he does all day,” said Stefan’s mother Susan. “As far as I know he just goofs around in the basement so I could see how he’d think this is a big deal. I’d prefer if he just got a job, though.”

The majority of Stefan’s blog followers were also unfazed by the news having only subscribed to it so that Stefan would subscribe to theirs.

“I don’t really read anything he posts,” said Claire Berkman, one of Stefan’s followers. “Sometimes I skim through them and I’m like… why did I subscribe to this again?”

Stefan hopes to find a way to market his blog in the future so that he can continue writing these updates of his on a full-time basis, claiming to have no viable skills with which to obtain any other sort of job. We here at Circus Killer hope for his sake that that isn’t true since the content of his blog is juvenile, pedantic and poorly written.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

New Study Shows Vaccines May Prevent Diseases, FOX News Says

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Earlier this week, a group of FOX News reporters affirmed that receiving vaccinations might in fact help to prevent the spread of deadly diseases such as measles and tuberculosis. This came as a shock to many FOX News viewers, who until then had constantly been told that the purpose of vaccinations was to cause autism.

“It’s just unbelievable,” said long-time FOX News watcher Cherry Gunderson. “It’s always been known that immigrants invented vaccines to give our children autism, but to think they’ve accidentally been curing us, too? It’s incredible.”

The report aired on FOX’s new and wildly successful show, “FOX TOX,” in which four reporters sit around for an hour reading news stories from other networks and talking about whether or not they believe in them, because that’s what reporting is now.

The reporters came to the conclusion that vaccines can prevent certain diseases upon discovering that this was a claim made by the CDC, which they all assumed stood for Christian Doctors for Christ. The reporters also made the claim that autism “isn’t really a bad thing, as long as your beliefs in autism don’t conflict with real American values.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Oscar Winners Led Off Stage to Have Bodies Recycled into Film

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Hollywood’s darkest night occurred yesterday when the best of the American movie industry offered itself to be sacrificed for the production of film.

The tradition began 87 years ago during the worst film shortage in history. Producers realized it would be cheaper and more efficient to make film out of human skin, so the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences devised a system to determine which stars and filmmakers have reached their prime so that they can make the ultimate sacrifice for the industry to continue.

Some Hollywood big shots are against this ritual, arguing that the film shortage ended shortly after this tradition began. Among them was Eddie Redmayne who won the Oscar last night for “Best Actor.” Redmayne had to be carried off of the stage screaming when he tried to speak out against the practice during his speech.

The underrepresentation of black people at the Oscars sparked debate when the nominees were announced, at which point the AMPAS claimed that lighter skin is “just easier to work with, as long as it’s a little tan.” This is why three Oscars were awarded to Alejandro González Iñárritu, whose skin will be used to make three films this year.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

9 Facts About Rabbits That Will Shock You

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Rabbits are God’s fuzziest creatures but are often shrouded in mystery. Despite what you think you may know about rabbits, there are a number of strange well-kept secrets about them that may surprise you. Here are 9 of the most unexpected and remarkable things you need to know about rabbits.

 

1. Rabbits are at the top of their food chain. The belief that they’re not is part of an elaborate conspiracy created to trick their prey into a false sense of security.

2. Bunnies can use their ears to pick up most FM and AM radio frequencies.

3. Rabbits were the first mammals in space. There were a total of 4 rabbit-only space missions before FASTA (the Furry Aeronautics and Space-Time Administration) was defunded.

4. Thomas Edison did not invent the light bulb. It was invented by a very smart bunny who never patented her design.

5. Rabbits can hear the thoughts of humans; they just don’t care enough to react.

6. Bunnies are responsible for some of our society’s most well-known dance movies, including the “hoppy stop,” the “sniffy shake” and the “hare twist.”

7. A total of six bunnies have been nominated for an Oscar, but only one of them has ever won. It was the “Best Actor” award in 1992, and was given to Buttons Washington for his starring role in “Forrest Rump.”

8. A rabbit’s bushy tail is called a “fluffpluffer” and can be used to attract mates, ward off enemies and construct large wooden three-masted sailing ships.

9. If you rub two rabbits together for more than 3 minutes, nothing will happen and you are a very strange person.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Bodybuilder Apparently Without Concept of Own Hideousness

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Bodybuilder Hansel Jacobi has no idea how revolting his body is, several friends and family members say. Jacobi’s loved ones have tried to tell him how repulsed they are at his cartoonishly inflated muscles, but Jacobi has refused to listen.

“I was having drinks with him last week,” says Jacobi’s friend Peter who doesn’t share his friend’s interest in bodybuilding and fitness training. “Or at least, we were trying to. We were over at our friend’s house and the big guy couldn’t even hold a beer bottle; his hand muscles were too big for him to make a fist. We had to spoon-feed him alcohol all night.”

“It’s just frightening,” said Jacobi’s sister, “to think about how those muscles must be a burden to him. The veins on his pecks are as thick as my thumb, and I know that because he never wears a shirt. They just don’t fit him.”

Anytime someone brings up with Jacobi how his image is cause for concern or embarrassment, Jacobi dismisses them.

“What’s the matter? Afraid I’m gonna pulverize ya?” Jacobi once said to his mother when she asked if he needed help scratching his face. “Just remember I could beat the pulp out of anyone at any point if I wanted to.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Boston Employs Supervillains to Assist with Removal of Snow

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Boston, Massachusetts, has been in a state of emergency since last weekend’s snowfall with more on the way tonight. With a record-breaking 9 feet of snow on the ground, the city has had to call upon the world’s most devious supervillains to assist emergency services with clearing out the snow.

“I and my staff understand the dangers of trusting our city with these insane villains,” said mayor Dalton Dunley, “especially given how often most of them have threatened to destroy it. But desperate times call for desperate measures.”

The mayor called upon Dr. Diabolico this morning to use his Mega-Space Deathray to melt the snow down in order to create a manageable flooding problem. Other supervillains like The Black Magnus have been obliterating the snow with Super Energy Bombs and De-Atomization Beams.

Every supervillain currently working on Boston’s snow problem has been promised the power to rule over Boston for an entire day. This has some Bostonians worried.

“I think the mayor’s forgetting what some of these crooks have done in the past,” said local resident Julian Harris. “The Human Roach picked up my Chevy and threw it at Windex-Woman a few months ago before I had the thing paid off. I get that they’re trying to help, but these guys know one thing and one thing only, and that’s property damage.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nation Celebrates Vice President’s Day

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All across the country, Americans have taken off of work to celebrate Vice President’s Day, one of the nation’s biggest and most extravagant holidays.

Americans have been lining the streets of Washington D.C. all morning to catch the famous Vice President’s Day Parade in which floats and balloons honoring the nation’s most prominent VPs remind us all who are leaders would have been in the event of a tragedy.

This year’s most popular parade displays were the Al Gore balloon which excreted pollen for a variety of different trees and plants, followed by the Dick Cheney balloon that showered people in 36,000 gallons of crude oil.

At home, many Americans have been enjoying traditional Vice President’s Day games, including “Bobbing for Walter Mondale’s Dignity,” and “Pin-the-Hair-on-the-Martin-van-Buren.”

Of course, as with every year, the traditional “Sprio Agnew’s Unfiled Income Hunt” was held on the White House lawn, a game for which there are no winners.

Current Vice President Joe Biden used the Magical and Unrestricted Vice Presidential Wish that he gets today to remove a “PARTY HARD OR DIE” tattoo from his abdomen, tax free.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Six Dead in Sam’s Club Chocolate Avalanche

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Tragedy struck Haverford, Pennsylvania, when the chocolate isle of a Sam’s Club collapsed last Friday, trapping over a dozen customers who were shopping for Valentine’s Day.

The collapse occurred Friday afternoon, mostly trapping married men who waited to the last minute to pick up something for Valentine’s Day. Rescue efforts extended late into the night because most of the chocolate had become unboxed and unwrapped during the avalanche and needed to be tediously rewrapped and repackaged once removed from the pile.

Eleven people of the seventeen who were caught in the avalanche survived by eating their way out.

“It was the most horrifying experience of my life,” said Daniel Oldhardt, one of the survivors. “And then I remembered what I used to tell myself in middle school – just keep eating and everything will be alright.”

Evidence suggests that half of the deceased also tried to eat their way out but stopped themselves so as not to spoil their dinner. The other half appear to have felt it was safer not to because they were diabetic.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Tips for Surviving the Cold

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The United States is entering one of the worst cold snaps on record.  Many regions will experience temperatures in the negatives with wind gusts of up to 60 miles an hour.  If you’re worried about the cold weather as much as we are,  read these 12 tips for surviving this harsh weekend.

 

1. Your car heater might not be enough during your daily commute,  so bring some logs to generate small fires in your car.

2. Take a vacation to Florida and experience the tropical 45-degree weather.

3. Power may go out so be sure to charge your pacemaker.

4. Snow acts as an excellent insulator,  be sure to leave all your doors and windows open to collect as much of it as possible.

5. Extra clothing always helps so put on some pants when you get home.

6. Keep your sinks and bathtubs flowing with hot water.  This will prevent the pipes from freezing.

7. Electric blankets are a great source of heat and infertility.

8. If you get trapped out in the elements,  don’t be afraid to cut open your Tauntaun and hide its body until the cold passes.

9. Think about warm places like Syria and Iraq.

10. Hibernate.

11. Wear a bikini when you go out.  You might catch nature off guard.

12. Snuggle up with someone to keep warm.  If you’re single,  live alone and leave your home often,  write your address in the comments section below.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nation Strives to Remain Gutten-Free

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A social media campaign went viral earlier this week that urges people to boycott all movies starring actor Steve Guttenberg. Initially, the campaign was started by mistake when a popular online fitness brand tweeted “Down with Gutten,” which was autocorrected from “Down with Gluten.” The poster of the original tweet apologized and tweeted a correction, however the original tweet was retweeted and favorited so much that the “Gutten Free” online campaign was born.

Known colloquially as “the poor man’s Bill Murray,” Steve Guttenberg was a comedy actor in the 1980s who fell out of stardom when curly hair stopped being acceptable. He still acts today, but is too old for a leading role.

Since the campaign started, many movie watchers have completely cut Gutten out of their movies. Some fast-forward through parts of movies that are high on Gutten, while others have vowed to avoid Gutten-enriched movies altogether.

Early this afternoon, many film reviewers have come forward saying that the Gutten Free campaign isn’t based on anything factual, and that most people are just hopping onto the craze without understanding who Steven Guttenberg really is.

“The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with watching a little bit of Gutten every day,” says New York Times film reviewer David Costanelli. “Gutten isn’t ideal, of course, but it won’t kill you and isn’t inherently bad in any way.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.