Entertainment

10 Bizarre Facts You Won’t Believe About Marvel Superheroes

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Marvel movies are consistently the highest grossing films every year, however few people still take the time to read the comics. Many of these characters have been around for 50 years or more and have taken some pretty strange turns in that time. Here are our 10 favorite bizarre facts about the characters of the Marvel universe.

 

1. Spider-Man’s only weakness is all pesticides.

2. Wolverine had his skeleton replaced with the strongest metal in existence and his blood replaced with diet soda.

3. Each member of the Fantastic Four has their own sidekick, which together form the Quiescent Cuatro.

4. Apparently Iron Man’s superpower is never calling you back even though he said he would and that he enjoyed being with you and just… ugh, he’s just such an asshole.

5. Dr. Doom received his doctorate in Contemporary French Poetry.

6. Captain America is a white supremacist.

7. Bruce Banner turned into The Incredible Hulk when his experiments to find a cure for erectile dysfunction went horribly wrong.

8. Gambit only helps out the X-Men when he regains control over his gambling addiction.

9. The Silver Surfer always finishes in second place.

10. Professor Xavier lost the use of his legs during a skiing accident.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

New Study Shows Vaccines May Prevent Diseases, FOX News Says

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Earlier this week, a group of FOX News reporters affirmed that receiving vaccinations might in fact help to prevent the spread of deadly diseases such as measles and tuberculosis. This came as a shock to many FOX News viewers, who until then had constantly been told that the purpose of vaccinations was to cause autism.

“It’s just unbelievable,” said long-time FOX News watcher Cherry Gunderson. “It’s always been known that immigrants invented vaccines to give our children autism, but to think they’ve accidentally been curing us, too? It’s incredible.”

The report aired on FOX’s new and wildly successful show, “FOX TOX,” in which four reporters sit around for an hour reading news stories from other networks and talking about whether or not they believe in them, because that’s what reporting is now.

The reporters came to the conclusion that vaccines can prevent certain diseases upon discovering that this was a claim made by the CDC, which they all assumed stood for Christian Doctors for Christ. The reporters also made the claim that autism “isn’t really a bad thing, as long as your beliefs in autism don’t conflict with real American values.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Oscar Winners Led Off Stage to Have Bodies Recycled into Film

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Hollywood’s darkest night occurred yesterday when the best of the American movie industry offered itself to be sacrificed for the production of film.

The tradition began 87 years ago during the worst film shortage in history. Producers realized it would be cheaper and more efficient to make film out of human skin, so the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences devised a system to determine which stars and filmmakers have reached their prime so that they can make the ultimate sacrifice for the industry to continue.

Some Hollywood big shots are against this ritual, arguing that the film shortage ended shortly after this tradition began. Among them was Eddie Redmayne who won the Oscar last night for “Best Actor.” Redmayne had to be carried off of the stage screaming when he tried to speak out against the practice during his speech.

The underrepresentation of black people at the Oscars sparked debate when the nominees were announced, at which point the AMPAS claimed that lighter skin is “just easier to work with, as long as it’s a little tan.” This is why three Oscars were awarded to Alejandro González Iñárritu, whose skin will be used to make three films this year.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Addictive Mobile Game Lets Users Sell Objects from their Homes to Continue Playing

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A new mobile game for iPhone and Android called “Kake Kruncher,” went viral in the last week due to its innovative new feature that allows players to trade household objects and furniture for the ability to progress to other levels.

“It’s an amazing concept and an excellent feature,” says blogger Andre Stausberg who spends his days reviewing iPhone apps. “What I love about it is that it lets players get rid of their possessions on their own terms. Most mobile games force you to pay a small fee to unlock other levels or modes, but those fees add up over time and usually end in debt and the repossession of property from stores or banks. It’s great to finally have a game that doesn’t waste your time and just gets right to the point.”

Kake Kruncher was developed by a company called “StackBab Media,” whose claim to fame is taking games that already exist, prettying them up, and then branding and marketing them more successfully than the original games.

Rumors are circulating that StackBab will be releasing an update shortly that will allow players to unlock the entire game by selling their homes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 7 Elements of a Perfect Super Bowl Party

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The Super Bowl is this Sunday, which means many Americans across the country will be hosting parties for friends, family members and neighbors. We at Circus Killer understand how stressful and nerve-wracking hosting your first Super Bowl party can be, especially if you’ve never quite followed the sport. If it sounds like you might be in this situation, check out this foolproof guide for hosting the perfect Super Bowl party.

 

Food: Snack foods are a must. Supermarkets will be jam-packed this weekend with other game day shoppers, so make sure you bring a switchblade or other concealable weapon to the store with you.

Beverages: Getting wasted is about the only thing that makes overgrown men running into each other for an oblong ball fun to watch. We recommend procuring about 1 keg per person, however do NOT serve wine. Any seasoned football fan will tell you that wine is for Europeans, self-righteous housewives and Bar Mitzvahs.

Equipment: The big game is meaningless without a big TV. Avoid hosting a Super Bowl party if your television is 196 inches or smaller.

Superstition: Many football fans are superstitious, so don’t feel uncomfortable if a guest shows up wearing old, unwashed “lucky” underwear. You might also consider borrowing a friend’s pair of old, unwashed “lucky” underwear so that people know you’re serious about the game’s outcome.

Women: Women play an important role every Super Bowl in that they serve food, drinks, and watch children, so make sure you have a few of those lying around.

In-House Entertainment: Domestic abuse is as much an American institution as the Super Bowl itself, so make sure your party has at least one violently alcoholic sports fanatic so things get out of hand at some point. For an increased experience, you might want to invite two people of this profile who are rooting for different teams.

Activities: Sometimes people like to celebrate the Super Bowl by playing some backyard football before the game begins. If you’re so socially defunct that you need a guide to tell you how to host a party, chances are you’re not up to that kind of physical activity or social pressure. Try breaking an arm or a rib before Sunday so you have a valid excuse to get out of this sort of game.

 

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

AMC to Equip Theaters with Electric Helmets that Keep Moviegoers from Using Cell Phones

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AMC Theaters announced their plans this morning to install electronic helmets into the seats of every one of their theaters by the end of 2016. The purpose of these helmets is to emit a small electric shock to movie watchers whenever they think about checking their cell phones.

Each helmet contains a series of diodes that measure brainwave activity. The helmet is then hooked up to a small computer on the back of the seat and interprets these brainwaves as thoughts, then makes the decision to zap the moviegoer if those thoughts drift to things like friends and family.

AMC has been testing these helmets since the beginning of January and is working hard to “get rid of the kinks” before 2016, according to AMC spokeswoman Susan Gredenko.

“The purpose, ultimately, is to ensure that our customers are getting the full experience of the films they see,” Gredenko added. “Cell phones are a distraction to themselves and others, and we feel that this is the best way to get rid of that distraction.”

So far the helmets have been malfunctioning at an unacceptable rate. Test subjects have reportedly found it difficult to use their cell phones weeks after using the helmets, so the effects of the helmets appear to be long term. Additionally, the helmets provide a health risk to subjects with cardiac issues, however AMC looks at that positively.

“Another goal with this is to get old people out of our theaters,” said Gredenko. “Old people are our number one demographic, and that holds true for every other major movie theater. By putting old, feeble people at risk, we limit their attendance and hopefully bring a younger, thrill-seeking crowd.”

Other movie theaters have begun to draft similar projects, such as United Artist’s “Needle Machine” which injects viewers with adrenaline every 20 minutes, and Regal’s microwave chair arms that fry cell phones almost instantly.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Patriots Fans Spend Weekend Denying Things and Providing Unclear Answers in Support of Tom Brady

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Recently it was discovered that the footballs used by the Patriots to win the AFC championship were not inflated to regulation standards. Blame fell to quarterback Tom Brady, who during a press conference denied having an active part in the scandal. To honor their beloved sports hero, fans of the New England Patriots spent the weekend denying everything that they could.

Ryan O’Leary, of Boston, was one such man. Brian was pulled over for driving through a red light at a busy intersection. When asked why he did this, Ryan denied both seeing the light and knowing what it was for.

Another of these fans was Meagan McMurphy, also a Boston native, who denied knowing what handicap parking spaces are for and that parking meters needed quarters to work.

Other Patriots fans are copying their athletic idol by providing detailed descriptions of the state of their balls. Patrick Kirkpatrick, the head of a small distribution company in Boston, called a staff meeting early this morning to talk to his employees about proper ball maintenance.

“Make sure your balls are fully functional before handling them,” Kirkpatrick said. “If your balls aren’t up to standards then put them away and use a friend’s.”

Many children who look up to Tom Brady as a role model have begun taking after the quarterback as well. On average, a record low 11% of grade school students in Boston did not turn in any homework today, claiming to have not known that anything was due. This is a dramatic drop compared to the average of 26% of Boston grade school students who turn in homework regularly.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

5 Amazing Films That Were Snubbed Out of Oscar Nominations

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2014 was an amazing year for film, but many of the year’s best were not recognized by the Academy. Here are 5 movies you should see that were cheated out of Oscar nominations.

 

Title: Carts
Synopsis: This animated feature about Harry the Shopping Cart touched the hearts of families across the world. Harry is tired of being pushed around at his grocery store, and when an opportunity arises for Harry to move to a megastore he rolls around out of joy. But this new job isn’t what it seems… soon Harry finds himself missing his grocery store pals and after a few mistakes and misadventures he learns about the true power of friendship. This film set the record for most times the phrase “pushed around” was used.

 

Title: Civil Rights Movie
Synopsis: From the people who brought you Lincoln, 12 Years a Slave, The Butler, and Selma, comes this biopic of another Civil Rights activist whose life was greatly impacted by racism and discrimination at some point in America’s history before Obama was elected, but who ultimately overcomes these obstacles and helps to change America’s thinking on the topic of race. Through the story of one person’s life, “Civil Rights Movie” shines a light on the harsher reality of racism in America that we are only reminded of when it’s Oscar season or when the police are in the news.

 

Title: The Sister of the Christ
Synopsis: Zooey Deschanel stars in this dramatic retelling of Jesus’ twin sister Jebra Christ who has the same abilities as her brother but whose second X chromosome forbids her from being accepted among the ancient Jewish people. Jebra attempts to overcome sexual discrimination and take her rightful place as the co-savior of the human race while constantly having to avoid being stoned to death. This feminist masterpiece uncovers the truth behind the Christ family and tells us that we can achieve the respect of our ignorant peers, even if we have amazing breasts.

 

Title: Whispers of Freedom
Synopsis: An American soldier fighting for freedom in Afghanistan is the best soldier in his squad, but when we learn halfway through that his son died and his wife has cancer we start to realize that this soldier is just like the rest of us only he actually gets to shoot people. As he fights to protect our freedom and sovereignty America Ford rights of the liberty with Declaration united drone strike freedom for the troops one nation under God for the star-spangled sovereignty nation America. Amen.

 

Title: Windex Woman
Synopsis: Wilma Whittle was an average cleaning lady at a Best Western, but when she accidentally spills a bottle of radioactive Windex on herself, Wilma discovers she has the incredible ability to keep surfaces clean and free of most germs using only her bare hands. Wilma’s powers are soon put to the test when an evil force unmasks itself and a plot to create smudges on the surfaces of the Guatemalan ambassador’s hotel furniture emerges. Wilma will have to learn how to control her powers and accept the responsibility that the Fates of Cleanliness have given her.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Fox News Committed to Mentioning Race at Least 30 Times a Day

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An employee of the Fox Broadcasting company anonymously leaked that FOX News plans to bring up race at least 30 times each day for the next year.  The information did not come as a shock to most FOX News viewers since it was leaked via Twitter and FOX News’ primary demographic is too elderly to figure out social media.

This new plan has already been observed in several of FOX News’ recent stories.  “Fox & Friends,” for example, killed 26 minutes speculating how the pilot of the crashed AirAsia flight was probably Asian.  Additionally, President Barack Obama’s race was brought up every time a story about the President aired.

Some news analysts believe that this change is the result of Fox Network executives recognizing “race” as a media buzzword, while others suspect that executives at FOX are genuinely curious about racial subjects since they’ve seldom come across anyone that isn’t white.

On the most recent edition of  “The O’Reilly Factor,”  TV host and senility advocate Bill O’Reilly did a segment called  “Top 5 Ways to Recognize a Black Person,”  in which he expressed in detail his observations about racial boundaries and young people music.

A spokeswoman for FOX was asked to comment on the matter, but the company wouldn’t let her speak because she’s a woman.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

19 Television Channels and What They Represent

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There are a number of good television shows this fall, but it can be difficult to tell if a show is worth your time. Often, you can tell what a show is like based on what network it airs on. Here is a guide to some of the more popular television networks and what you can expect from them.

 

NBC – Cult classics that get inexplicably cancelled.

ABC – The Disney Channel for grown ups.

CBS – Shows about young people as seen through the eyes of old people.

FOX – For those who have never been outside the United States.

The CW – Where monsters go to become attractive people.

Comedy Central – The official stoner network.

FX – What Comedy Central tries to be.

The Food Network – People you don’t like talking about food you might like.

OWN – Probably not for your demographic.

Bravo – Formerly a hub for operas and classical performances, currently a hub for other gay things.

History Channel – Aliens, swamps, and World War II.

TLC – The Learning Channel.

Disney Channel – ABC for children.

MTV – Teen dramas, nothing to do with music.

MTV2 – Reruns of teen dramas, little to do with music.

FXX – What?

AMC – Hosts all the shows your coworkers won’t shut up about.

HBO – Pornography, but with good story.

24-Hour Smooth Jazz Channel – Consistently the best thing on television.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.